A reader recently wrote, "I totally agree with your approach to dealing with big emotions outlined in your tantrum post and did most of what you are saying when my older son was an only child... The difficulty that I am having is finding ways to do this for my older son in the moment while he is having big emotions, while also taking care of the newborn, especially when I’m the only adult in the room. I find that the big emotions happen most often when the newborn is needing my attention. And, no surprise, the big emotions are bigger and more frequent now that the newborn is here! Please let me know (and I’m sure many other parents out there!) when / if you find good resources for this issue that fits in to your objectivist parenting philosophy."
First, for those of you that haven't already had the newborn, please consider waiting. All of my research has led me to conclude that children (and parents) do much better when children are spaced five or more years apart.
Next I would recommend reading, in order of importance, 1,2,3... The Toddler Years, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, Dear Parents: Caring for Infants with Respect, and Tears and Tantrums: What to Do When Babies and Children Cry.
And in the mean time, here are some ideas:
Prepare the three-year-old. Talk to him about what is going on, about all the things he might be feeling. Talk to him about how when the baby cries, he will feel a great deal of stress in his body, and that the stress will make him want to freak out about something too. Tell him you feel the same way. Nature has programmed us to freak out when babies cry so that we deal with it. (Babies who cry in such a way as to destroy all those around them until they are no longer crying were, surprise, more likely to survive and pass on their genes. So the theory goes.) Tell him that it is normal to want to run, jump, scream, yell, hit, throw, or even cry himself when he hears the baby cry.
Tell the three-year-old that this will be an uncomfortable experience, but you want to teach him how to deal with a crying baby, so that he can be an amazing dad one day. Tell him that crying babies are okay, that we must take deep breaths and move slowly and just be with them. Tell him the next time the baby cries, you want him to run straight to you so that you can teach him about crying babies. Then, when it happens, pick him up and take him to the baby. Invite him to put his hand on the baby's chest. Speak softly. "She's sad. It's okay to feel sad."
Practice with the three-year-old. Tell him to pretend the baby is crying. Make eye contact. Show him how to move slowly and softly. Show him how to go to the baby and just watch. "The baby can't tell us what is wrong, so we have to figure it out." Is it the diaper? (Maybe it can be his job to check.) Is it gas? (Teach him how to rub her belly.) Is it the light shining in her eyes? Is she hungry? Make this a game and practice it as many times as you can before a real episode happens.
Tell him that as he gets more used to the baby, he will able to take action when the baby cries, trying to help the baby instead of focusing on his own inner stress. But tell him that for now, when he is just getting used to his inner stress, if he needs to run to you for a hug the minute the baby is crying, that could help both him and you. Look in his eyes. "THIS FEELS SO UNCOMFORTABLE!!!!!" You can yell to him! Try to connect with him about the sheer discomfort of the sound of a crying baby.
But tell him if he can't handle it, if he is feeling something too big, he needs to tell you. Because often, the baby can wait. Tell him you won't want the baby to wait, because the baby's cries are soooooo stressful to you, and it will be hard for you to focus on his issue while the baby is crying, but that if he really, really needs you to, you will tell the baby to wait. He will test you on this, and in that case, you put your hand on the baby's chest and you say, "I hear you and I will be with you when I can." And then you focus on the older child. Perhaps you take the older child into a different room so you can really focus on his issue. Let him know that his needs matter. As soon that is dealt with, tend to the baby. He will feel much more secure knowing that if he ever has an emergency, you will be there for him. The goal is to help him feel so secure, that he does not need to use this and weaponize it against the baby. (This is also a good gage of how well you are doing at giving him enough attention. When he is not feeling like he is getting enough, he will want to punish the baby.)
And the of course always newscast. "Erin is crying. She needs me to find out what is wrong. Oh no. The crying is making Erik crazy too! Erik is only three! He needs help dealing with his big feelings! I want to be there to help him. I want to be there to help the baby too!"
And of course later, when everyone is feeling good, talk to the older child about how it feels for you, about how sad you are that he is not your only child anymore, about how hard it is to have two children that need you, about how much you want to do right by him and take care of him and give him all that he needs, about your fears that you won't be able to. I have always found children to be much more empathetic and less self-centered when they know I am having a hard time too. In this way I disagree with pretty much every parenting expert out there. They think children need Mountain Mom who is always calm and never has issues. I think that is presenting a false reality to children that they see through anyway. I think children do better with Real Moms who talk and express what is going on with them, who model how to deal with big, stressful feelings, and who let the kids know that all humans, no matter their age, are dealing with big, stressful feelings and we do better if we support one another during those times. This shouldn't be abused, of course as it is in alcoholic households, but three year olds love feeling competent enough to support their parents when they are having a tough time. I don't think it "stresses children out" if they are generally well cared for and have a secure attachment. On the contrary, I think it raises their self-esteem and makes them feel competent at life.
Showing posts with label i) Children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label i) Children. Show all posts
Friday, July 28, 2017
Unlimited Television? And Crack? Why I Am Not a "Radical Unschooler" When It Comes to Television and Other Drugs
A reader called me recently to discuss my approach to screen time. She found it fascinating that I am so strongly pro freedom, and yet strongly against unlimited screen time for my son.
How we do screen time: We don't own a television, but we do own computers, iphones, and an ipad. Occasionally, maybe once a week, we watch documentaries on our computers or the ipad. On the full moons we watch a fiction movie. We have educational games on the ipad that are played sporadically, maybe once a month.
This arrangement, for my family at this time, is quite simply not a problem. It's not a problem for me; it's not a problem for Tom, and it's not a problem for Anders. So first, I never really thought very much about the unlimited television question because there was just no problem that needed to be solved.
But my reader asked me to consider: Should Anders be watching more television? Is he being deprived of valuable life experiences? Have I poisoned him against television by reading to him chapters from Remotely Controlled and Living Outside the Box and explaining to him that television is a drug to be used with care? Have I deprived him of making his own conclusions about television by helping him draw the connection between his ability to pay attention to his math and the amount of television he watches? Isn't it controlling and therefore against my philosophy to say to Anders, "I notice you have been watching television for over an hour now, and I am wondering if you want to do something else?"
Great questions!
My first response is that I don't believe in biting my tongue and taking a deep breath when my son is doing something that makes me uncomfortable. Because my needs matter too. When Anders was two he liked to climb very high and, though he never fell or even seemed unsafe, I would sometimes get uncomfortable and ask him to come down. "Anders, I am sure you are safe up there, but the stress in my body is so intense right now, I can hardly handle it. I feel so much fear I might start crying. I am wondering if you would be willing to come down?" He always came down – because my needs matter to him. I think that's wonderful. I think this negotiation of needs is the dance of healthy human relationships.
Because here's the thing: Bite your tongue all you want, if your veins are coursing with stress hormones, those are going to affect the people around you. Idealize that away all you want, it's a fact of human nature. (Presented compellingly in the book Connected by Nicholas A. Christakis and James H. Fowler.) The fact that anxiety felt by one family member will eventually most likely be felt by all family members for one reason or another is also written about in Bowen's work on family systems theory. These facts should never be used as control mechanisms, but between respectful people who have a healthy relationship – I need to know when what I am doing is stressing you out because your stress is going to get passed around to every member of our household.
I love NVC, but I don't buy into the idea that, "We are not responsible for other people's feeling's at all." There's just no common sense there. It may be a good approach to offenses caused by strangers or to unhealthy relationships, but in close, healthy relationship, I think it is more true and more helpful to believe that, "It takes two to tango." In our family, we consider all problems we have relationship problems for both of us to solve together. You're insecure? Yes, you need to take responsibility and do what you can do to solve that problem, but because we are married, it's my problem too. You're wanting to numb out into a drug? That's definitely a problem you need to look into, but because I am your mother, that's a problem I will look into too. You needs matter to me; let's solve this together.
This was one of the most interesting things I learned in marriage. Before I met Tom I lived by myself and I had no problems with myself so ... there just wasn't a lot of drama there. Then Tom moved in and suddenly I close all the cupboards too loudly and my desk is too messy. Suddenly, I had problems. Or rather we had problems. It wasn't my job to placate Tom by training myself to be quieter and neater, and it wasn't Tom's job to accept me for who I am and deal with his feelings on his own; it was our job to be sensitive to one another, accept one another, and give each other gifts.
When I peruse the unlimited screen time approach to television and video games, I find a lot of it disrespectful to parents, to their needs and discomforts. I find that the abstract ideal of freedom is presented as more important than creating a relationship between the parent and child that works for both of them. There is no right answer here. There is no "should" when it comes to how I keep my desk. There is only what works for me and what doesn't and what works for other members of my household and what doesn't. In a household focused on healthy relationships, everyones needs matter, even their irrational ones.
But I don't think my discomfort around television and video games is irrational. There is a reason parents feel instinctively worried when they see their child watching television or playing video games, because no matter how hard you try to tell yourself it's okay, deep down, you know your kid is on drugs. Meth to be specific. Television and video games are in the same addictive category as meth.
"There are few things ever dreamed of, smoked, or injected that have as addictive an effect on our brains as technology. This is how our devices keep us captive and always coming back for more. The definitive Internet act of our times is a perfect metaphor for the promise of reward: We search. And we search. And we search some more, clicking that mouse like – well, like a rat in a cage seeking another "hit," looking for that elusive reward that will finally feel like enough.... Computer and video game designers intentionally manipulate the reward system to keep players hooked. The promise that the next level or big win could happen at any time is what makes a game so compelling. It's also what makes a game so hard to quit. One study found that playing a video game led to dopamine increases equivalent to amphetamine use – and it's this dopamine rush that makes both so addictive. (Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D. in The Willpower Instinct: How Self Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do to Get More of It.)
"Television is unique, the perfect medium to produce strong rewards for paying attention to something. So what is so powerful about this reward? Compared to the pace with which real life unfolds and is experienced by young children, television portrays life with the fast-forward button fully pressed. Rapidly changing images, scenery and events, and high-fidelity sounds are overly stimulating and, of course, extremely interesting. Once you are used to food with monosodium glutamate flavour enhancer, real food doesn't taste as interesting. Television is the flavour enhancer of the audiovisual world. Nothing in real life is comparable to this. Television overpays the young child to pay attention to it, and in so doing it seems to physically spoil and damage his attention circuits. In effect, television corrupts the reward system that enables us to pay attention to other things in life." (Dr. Aric Sigman, Remotely Controlled: How Television Is Damaging Our Lives).
Our ability to pay attention is our life. Our ability to focus and control what we pay attention to is consciousness. To do a drug that damages your ability to pay attention is risking your ability to be consciously alive. That is why there is a direct correlation between how much television children watch and ADHD, among other things.
"Children who watch television at ages one and three have a significantly increased risk of developing such attentional problems by the time they are seven. For every hour of television a child watches per day, there is a nine per cent increase in attentional damage. The scientists suggest that their findings may actually be an understatement of the risks to children. They speculate that even if there is some educational benefit to be had from the actual programmes watched, this benefit may have covered up the even greater damage to the child's attentional systems that would occur if they watched programmes that had little educational benefit for them." (Sigman)
"A 26 year study of the 'Association Between Child and Adolescent Television Viewing and Adult Health' was recently published in the medical journal The Lancet, involving 1,000 children born in 1972-73. It found that children who watched more than two hours of television a day between the ages of five and fifteen suffered serious health risks many years later, at the age of 26. The study concluded that 15 per cent of cases of raised blood cholesterol, 17 per cent of obesity, 17 per cent of smoking and 15 per cent of bad cardiovascular fitness were linked to the television viewing that took place years before when the adults were children. This link remained, irresponsive of other factors such as social background, body mass index at age five, parents' BMI, parental smoking and how physically active the children were by the age of 15." (Sigman)
"Within 30 seconds of turning on the television, our brain becomes neurologically less able to make judgements about what we see and hear on screen. Our brain treats incoming information uncritically ... Our brain's left hemisphere, which processes information logically and analytically tunes out while we are watching television." (Sigman)
"Television provides the best means of persuading you to buy into the right values... Nowadays television executives talk of 'raising public awareness of...' This used to be simply called propaganda... Long after people forget what they hear, they remember how they feel. So Bonneville creates those unforgettable feelings..." (Sigman)
"And a study of 22,079 American adults for the pharmaceutical industry quantified the link between television viewing and rates of depression, concluding, 'The incidence of depression is a monotonic increasing function of television viewing' It seems that a television nation becomes a Prozac nation." (Sigman)
So television and video games are dangerous drugs. But, the argument goes, happy people don't get hooked on drugs. Happy mice can have access to heroin water and will choose to not drink it.
Of course, but first of all, those were adult mice not baby mice choosing not to drink the heroin water, and second of all, allowing my child the freedom to do heroin is entirely different from allowing my child to do heroin after I have told him about the dangers and risks involved.
I read these posts by these moms who advocate unlimited screen time, and I just can't imagine that it is possible for a mom to watch her kid do heroin and think, "He'll decide for himself what he thinks of it. Maybe he'll love it all his life long, and that'll be great! So important for them to find their One True Passion!"
So I have to assume that these moms either have never done any research on this particular drug or are television or gaming addicts themselves and therefore comfortable with passing on the addiction. The old, "I'm an addict, and I turned out fine," argument is reprehensible to some, but I am actually okay with it, because evolutionarily speaking, they're right. Likewise, the Christians that beat their children for the last thousand years had six times the birth rate of the modern day Swedes who don't. Not saying we should beat our children, just saying that we shouldn't immediately knock what has clearly worked (evolutionarily speaking).
Like moderation. Moderation served our ancestors well. Drugs are a part of life. Teaching our kids to use responsibly is an important part of parenting. I tell Anders that we must make sure we use the dangerous drugs like spices, to spice up our lives. If occasionally we want to use them as medicines, to change our mood, that's okay. But when we want to use them as drugs, to numb out, we need to find someone we love to talk to about it, because those feelings and choices can lead to very risky places.
Note that I have read some evidence to suggest that anyone allowed to do a drug as much as they want will, after a certain amount of time (almost never more than ten years), give the drug up voluntarily. There is possibly a "life cycle" to most addictions, an eventual end to the desire to numb out. But again these studies were done on adults, not children. In children, if I recall correctly, studies generally show that their brains alter to accommodate their addictions, making them likely candidates for lifelong abusers of that drug. I have, however, read anecdotes from parents that refute this.
Some moms who write in support of unlimited screen time say that it is not the abuse of screen time that is the issue – the issue is why the child wants to numb out. To this, I can only say, "Exactly! But then why are you handing him heroin instead of figuring out what is going on in his life that is causing him to want to not exist?!"
In my experience children, even the very young, are fully capable of having these discussions and of judging and moderating their use of dangerous substances provided they are given the information they need to make wise choices and a relationship they value. I have never had to force Anders to stop watching something. I have only ever reminded him that we don't want to overdo it.
For the record, Anders has overdone it a few times. I remember once he watched five or so hours of television in one day. The next day when he sat down to do his math it took him eight times longer than it had the day before. It took him a week to get his ability to focus back. The experience was very educational.
But back to my house where we don't usually overly indulge in screen time. It's interesting to me that none of us care very much about television. It's not like we have to exert great amounts of self-control to abstain from something truly glorious. A documentary is a welcome addition to an afternoon for Anders when he is curious and wants to know more about something. Both he and I appreciate what my ipad has to offer when I want to socialize at a friend's house, and he has to wait for me. He enjoys full moons when he watches movies that he has heard other kids talking about. But otherwise, television doesn't really occur to him as something to do with his time. He plays and when he is bored with playing he comes to see what I am doing and joins me. It's the same with me. I cook, clean, do errands, and write and when I need a break, I read or exercise or join him. Television isn't really on my radar. I love that.
I was raised without television. Of all the parenting choices my parents made, that was the single most wonderful gift they gave me – the gift of time, the gift of reading, the gift of not knowing what giant corporations wanted me to think.
When I was in elementary school my friends were obsessed with Full House. They learned that they were supposed to be obnoxious to adults and hate their siblings. During those years I read the Little House Books and thought families were supposed to be kind to one another and sisters were supposed to be good friends.
When I was in junior high school my friends were obsessed with Saved By the Bell. They thought school was lame and people who liked school were nerds, and the most important thing was to be popular. I read the Anne of Green Gables series and thought being the smartest girl in school was the best thing to be. I had no idea what popularity was, or that I was supposed to desire it.
When I was in high school my friends were obsessed with Buffy. They continued to hate school and began to obsess over boys and sex. I loved everything I got to learn in school. I thought every subject was fascinating and couldn't understand why they hated it so much. I was into Jane Adams at the time and though I did care a great deal about boys, I was just not as obsessed as my friends.
When I was in college my friends watched Sex and the City and were obsessed with sex and expensive shoes. And I ... was obsessed with James Joyce and couldn't care less about shoes.
The unlimited screen time moms shake their heads at me, "Do you really think reading is a more important activity than watching television? That reading is a more valid life experience in some way? How dare you claim that you might know what is better for me!" They're right. I don't know what is better for you and your family. But I do know that television is a dangerous drug that makes humans numb, unable to focus, passive, mainstream, unsatisfied with their real lives, poor, obese, and divorced.
I also know that while reading, our critical mind is active. A book is generally one person sharing his worldview. It's like a conversation. With television, you are hypnotized while exposing yourself to someone who will do anything to get your attention and keep it. When you watch television, you are the product. Your attention is what is for sale. Companies are not interested in providing quality entertainment, so much as they are interested in getting your attention and keeping it by whatever means necessary. Then they sell your attention to their advertisers. That is the nature of the business.
A writer has to sell his books. The reader is the customer. If the books are not good, the writer will not have customers. Not so with television. You are not the customer. You are the product. His customer is the advertisers. And the television writer will write accordingly. The more product they can deliver, the higher their ad revenue. (The Attention Merchants by Tim Wu)
This is why, if you are going to watch something, movies are much preferable to television. With movies, the viewer is the customer. (Though product placement often fudges that line a little.)
I also know that reading is directly related to our ability to think at abstract levels. According to the research of Leda Cosmides our brains cannot abstract verbally past more than five levels of abstraction. To think more abstractly than that requires writing our thoughts down in order to follow them. Reading is directly related to our ability to think complexly.
We ignore and override so much valuable information our subconscious brains feed us. There is a reason we smile and feel warm and fuzzy when we see a child curled up with a book and a reason why we feel disgusted and turned off when we see a child all zombied out in front of a screen.
"Most of the stories are told to most of the children not by their parents, their school, or their church, but by a group of distant corporations that have something to sell." (Sigman)
There are 150 different products linked to Dora the Explorer. The average American child watches 40,000 commercials each year. When the parents of TV free households are surveyed and asked how often their children pressure them to buy brand-name or otherwise popular toys, games, or foods, 97% of them answered never, rarely, or not very much. (Sigman)
"If you think about it in imperialistic terms, cultures and minds can now be colonised remotely.... Formerly known as propaganda, soft power lies in the abiity to attract and persuade other cultures of the validity and desirability of your own.... CNN, HBO and Disney have succeeded where napalm failed. Perhaps Apocalypse Now – The Sequel is playing out on the streets of Hanoi as young Communists can be seen eating M&Ms while watching Eminem." (Sigman)
"'The difference between children who can picture a story or scene in their mind's eye and those who were raised in front of a TV screen are obvious and very profound," wrote Sue, a TV-free mother who is also a kindergarten teacher. "This difference is evident in their play, their artwork, their writing, the foods packed in their lunch boxes, their show-and-tell, and their conversation. TV permeates every facet of thier being. I think children raised with screen shave never experienced what it's like to dream, create, and imagine inside their own heads–independent of externally supplied (usually corporate) vision.'" (Living Outside the Box)
"In 1990, the American Family Research Council reported that the average American parent spent 38.5 minutes in meaningful conversation with his or her children each week. That's less than six minutes a day. Given that our TV viewing has spiraled steadily upward since then, chances are the situation today is no better... For children raised without television, however, circumstances are different. The parents who participated in my survey of TV-free families reported spending an average of 55 minutes per day in meaningful conversation with their children. That's 385 minutes per week...." (Living Outside the Box)
Another interesting thing I remember reading about television is that our brains cannot tell the difference between our television show "friends" and our real life friends. Because our brains are wired to pay more attention to higher status people than lower status people, we will feel a greater need to check in with our television show friends of high status than our real life friends of lower status.
I know that many parents rely on the television to be their babysitter and the thought of going without it is horrifying. It is for that reason that I began Anders's YouTube channel when he was young. I didn't want him to watch cartoons, but I did need some time off, so I created an hour long playlist of home videos on YouTube for him to watch. This worked like a charm, and I highly recommend it as a strategy for parents who want to avoid television. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLD5CYaUtWd6SjTovWryZtPz7pSTwdMj5K
I was not homeschooled or unschooled, but I was raised without television. Yet I am far less mainstream than the homeschooled and unschooled kids I knew growing up who were raised with television. Contrary to the stories some Unlimited TV Moms spread, I didn't pine away wishing I had television in my life or wishing I were more "normal," and I didn't turn into an adult who became a television addict, neither did my siblings. None of us actually watch a lot of television still today and all of us are happy about it. I am not advocating being TV free here – I don't know what would work in your family. But I would encourage parents to think twice about their choice to welcome screens, and especially unlimited screen time into their homes. Television is not in the same addiction category as sugar, it's more similar to METH, and should be treated as such. My research and life experience has led me to conclude that heavy television exposure is more damaging than sending children to school.
How we do screen time: We don't own a television, but we do own computers, iphones, and an ipad. Occasionally, maybe once a week, we watch documentaries on our computers or the ipad. On the full moons we watch a fiction movie. We have educational games on the ipad that are played sporadically, maybe once a month.
This arrangement, for my family at this time, is quite simply not a problem. It's not a problem for me; it's not a problem for Tom, and it's not a problem for Anders. So first, I never really thought very much about the unlimited television question because there was just no problem that needed to be solved.
But my reader asked me to consider: Should Anders be watching more television? Is he being deprived of valuable life experiences? Have I poisoned him against television by reading to him chapters from Remotely Controlled and Living Outside the Box and explaining to him that television is a drug to be used with care? Have I deprived him of making his own conclusions about television by helping him draw the connection between his ability to pay attention to his math and the amount of television he watches? Isn't it controlling and therefore against my philosophy to say to Anders, "I notice you have been watching television for over an hour now, and I am wondering if you want to do something else?"
Great questions!
My first response is that I don't believe in biting my tongue and taking a deep breath when my son is doing something that makes me uncomfortable. Because my needs matter too. When Anders was two he liked to climb very high and, though he never fell or even seemed unsafe, I would sometimes get uncomfortable and ask him to come down. "Anders, I am sure you are safe up there, but the stress in my body is so intense right now, I can hardly handle it. I feel so much fear I might start crying. I am wondering if you would be willing to come down?" He always came down – because my needs matter to him. I think that's wonderful. I think this negotiation of needs is the dance of healthy human relationships.
Because here's the thing: Bite your tongue all you want, if your veins are coursing with stress hormones, those are going to affect the people around you. Idealize that away all you want, it's a fact of human nature. (Presented compellingly in the book Connected by Nicholas A. Christakis and James H. Fowler.) The fact that anxiety felt by one family member will eventually most likely be felt by all family members for one reason or another is also written about in Bowen's work on family systems theory. These facts should never be used as control mechanisms, but between respectful people who have a healthy relationship – I need to know when what I am doing is stressing you out because your stress is going to get passed around to every member of our household.
I love NVC, but I don't buy into the idea that, "We are not responsible for other people's feeling's at all." There's just no common sense there. It may be a good approach to offenses caused by strangers or to unhealthy relationships, but in close, healthy relationship, I think it is more true and more helpful to believe that, "It takes two to tango." In our family, we consider all problems we have relationship problems for both of us to solve together. You're insecure? Yes, you need to take responsibility and do what you can do to solve that problem, but because we are married, it's my problem too. You're wanting to numb out into a drug? That's definitely a problem you need to look into, but because I am your mother, that's a problem I will look into too. You needs matter to me; let's solve this together.
This was one of the most interesting things I learned in marriage. Before I met Tom I lived by myself and I had no problems with myself so ... there just wasn't a lot of drama there. Then Tom moved in and suddenly I close all the cupboards too loudly and my desk is too messy. Suddenly, I had problems. Or rather we had problems. It wasn't my job to placate Tom by training myself to be quieter and neater, and it wasn't Tom's job to accept me for who I am and deal with his feelings on his own; it was our job to be sensitive to one another, accept one another, and give each other gifts.
When I peruse the unlimited screen time approach to television and video games, I find a lot of it disrespectful to parents, to their needs and discomforts. I find that the abstract ideal of freedom is presented as more important than creating a relationship between the parent and child that works for both of them. There is no right answer here. There is no "should" when it comes to how I keep my desk. There is only what works for me and what doesn't and what works for other members of my household and what doesn't. In a household focused on healthy relationships, everyones needs matter, even their irrational ones.
But I don't think my discomfort around television and video games is irrational. There is a reason parents feel instinctively worried when they see their child watching television or playing video games, because no matter how hard you try to tell yourself it's okay, deep down, you know your kid is on drugs. Meth to be specific. Television and video games are in the same addictive category as meth.
"There are few things ever dreamed of, smoked, or injected that have as addictive an effect on our brains as technology. This is how our devices keep us captive and always coming back for more. The definitive Internet act of our times is a perfect metaphor for the promise of reward: We search. And we search. And we search some more, clicking that mouse like – well, like a rat in a cage seeking another "hit," looking for that elusive reward that will finally feel like enough.... Computer and video game designers intentionally manipulate the reward system to keep players hooked. The promise that the next level or big win could happen at any time is what makes a game so compelling. It's also what makes a game so hard to quit. One study found that playing a video game led to dopamine increases equivalent to amphetamine use – and it's this dopamine rush that makes both so addictive. (Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D. in The Willpower Instinct: How Self Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do to Get More of It.)
"Television is unique, the perfect medium to produce strong rewards for paying attention to something. So what is so powerful about this reward? Compared to the pace with which real life unfolds and is experienced by young children, television portrays life with the fast-forward button fully pressed. Rapidly changing images, scenery and events, and high-fidelity sounds are overly stimulating and, of course, extremely interesting. Once you are used to food with monosodium glutamate flavour enhancer, real food doesn't taste as interesting. Television is the flavour enhancer of the audiovisual world. Nothing in real life is comparable to this. Television overpays the young child to pay attention to it, and in so doing it seems to physically spoil and damage his attention circuits. In effect, television corrupts the reward system that enables us to pay attention to other things in life." (Dr. Aric Sigman, Remotely Controlled: How Television Is Damaging Our Lives).
Our ability to pay attention is our life. Our ability to focus and control what we pay attention to is consciousness. To do a drug that damages your ability to pay attention is risking your ability to be consciously alive. That is why there is a direct correlation between how much television children watch and ADHD, among other things.
"Children who watch television at ages one and three have a significantly increased risk of developing such attentional problems by the time they are seven. For every hour of television a child watches per day, there is a nine per cent increase in attentional damage. The scientists suggest that their findings may actually be an understatement of the risks to children. They speculate that even if there is some educational benefit to be had from the actual programmes watched, this benefit may have covered up the even greater damage to the child's attentional systems that would occur if they watched programmes that had little educational benefit for them." (Sigman)
"A 26 year study of the 'Association Between Child and Adolescent Television Viewing and Adult Health' was recently published in the medical journal The Lancet, involving 1,000 children born in 1972-73. It found that children who watched more than two hours of television a day between the ages of five and fifteen suffered serious health risks many years later, at the age of 26. The study concluded that 15 per cent of cases of raised blood cholesterol, 17 per cent of obesity, 17 per cent of smoking and 15 per cent of bad cardiovascular fitness were linked to the television viewing that took place years before when the adults were children. This link remained, irresponsive of other factors such as social background, body mass index at age five, parents' BMI, parental smoking and how physically active the children were by the age of 15." (Sigman)
"Within 30 seconds of turning on the television, our brain becomes neurologically less able to make judgements about what we see and hear on screen. Our brain treats incoming information uncritically ... Our brain's left hemisphere, which processes information logically and analytically tunes out while we are watching television." (Sigman)
"Television provides the best means of persuading you to buy into the right values... Nowadays television executives talk of 'raising public awareness of...' This used to be simply called propaganda... Long after people forget what they hear, they remember how they feel. So Bonneville creates those unforgettable feelings..." (Sigman)
"And a study of 22,079 American adults for the pharmaceutical industry quantified the link between television viewing and rates of depression, concluding, 'The incidence of depression is a monotonic increasing function of television viewing' It seems that a television nation becomes a Prozac nation." (Sigman)
So television and video games are dangerous drugs. But, the argument goes, happy people don't get hooked on drugs. Happy mice can have access to heroin water and will choose to not drink it.
Of course, but first of all, those were adult mice not baby mice choosing not to drink the heroin water, and second of all, allowing my child the freedom to do heroin is entirely different from allowing my child to do heroin after I have told him about the dangers and risks involved.
I read these posts by these moms who advocate unlimited screen time, and I just can't imagine that it is possible for a mom to watch her kid do heroin and think, "He'll decide for himself what he thinks of it. Maybe he'll love it all his life long, and that'll be great! So important for them to find their One True Passion!"
So I have to assume that these moms either have never done any research on this particular drug or are television or gaming addicts themselves and therefore comfortable with passing on the addiction. The old, "I'm an addict, and I turned out fine," argument is reprehensible to some, but I am actually okay with it, because evolutionarily speaking, they're right. Likewise, the Christians that beat their children for the last thousand years had six times the birth rate of the modern day Swedes who don't. Not saying we should beat our children, just saying that we shouldn't immediately knock what has clearly worked (evolutionarily speaking).
Like moderation. Moderation served our ancestors well. Drugs are a part of life. Teaching our kids to use responsibly is an important part of parenting. I tell Anders that we must make sure we use the dangerous drugs like spices, to spice up our lives. If occasionally we want to use them as medicines, to change our mood, that's okay. But when we want to use them as drugs, to numb out, we need to find someone we love to talk to about it, because those feelings and choices can lead to very risky places.
Note that I have read some evidence to suggest that anyone allowed to do a drug as much as they want will, after a certain amount of time (almost never more than ten years), give the drug up voluntarily. There is possibly a "life cycle" to most addictions, an eventual end to the desire to numb out. But again these studies were done on adults, not children. In children, if I recall correctly, studies generally show that their brains alter to accommodate their addictions, making them likely candidates for lifelong abusers of that drug. I have, however, read anecdotes from parents that refute this.
Some moms who write in support of unlimited screen time say that it is not the abuse of screen time that is the issue – the issue is why the child wants to numb out. To this, I can only say, "Exactly! But then why are you handing him heroin instead of figuring out what is going on in his life that is causing him to want to not exist?!"
In my experience children, even the very young, are fully capable of having these discussions and of judging and moderating their use of dangerous substances provided they are given the information they need to make wise choices and a relationship they value. I have never had to force Anders to stop watching something. I have only ever reminded him that we don't want to overdo it.
For the record, Anders has overdone it a few times. I remember once he watched five or so hours of television in one day. The next day when he sat down to do his math it took him eight times longer than it had the day before. It took him a week to get his ability to focus back. The experience was very educational.
But back to my house where we don't usually overly indulge in screen time. It's interesting to me that none of us care very much about television. It's not like we have to exert great amounts of self-control to abstain from something truly glorious. A documentary is a welcome addition to an afternoon for Anders when he is curious and wants to know more about something. Both he and I appreciate what my ipad has to offer when I want to socialize at a friend's house, and he has to wait for me. He enjoys full moons when he watches movies that he has heard other kids talking about. But otherwise, television doesn't really occur to him as something to do with his time. He plays and when he is bored with playing he comes to see what I am doing and joins me. It's the same with me. I cook, clean, do errands, and write and when I need a break, I read or exercise or join him. Television isn't really on my radar. I love that.
I was raised without television. Of all the parenting choices my parents made, that was the single most wonderful gift they gave me – the gift of time, the gift of reading, the gift of not knowing what giant corporations wanted me to think.
When I was in elementary school my friends were obsessed with Full House. They learned that they were supposed to be obnoxious to adults and hate their siblings. During those years I read the Little House Books and thought families were supposed to be kind to one another and sisters were supposed to be good friends.
When I was in junior high school my friends were obsessed with Saved By the Bell. They thought school was lame and people who liked school were nerds, and the most important thing was to be popular. I read the Anne of Green Gables series and thought being the smartest girl in school was the best thing to be. I had no idea what popularity was, or that I was supposed to desire it.
When I was in high school my friends were obsessed with Buffy. They continued to hate school and began to obsess over boys and sex. I loved everything I got to learn in school. I thought every subject was fascinating and couldn't understand why they hated it so much. I was into Jane Adams at the time and though I did care a great deal about boys, I was just not as obsessed as my friends.
When I was in college my friends watched Sex and the City and were obsessed with sex and expensive shoes. And I ... was obsessed with James Joyce and couldn't care less about shoes.
The unlimited screen time moms shake their heads at me, "Do you really think reading is a more important activity than watching television? That reading is a more valid life experience in some way? How dare you claim that you might know what is better for me!" They're right. I don't know what is better for you and your family. But I do know that television is a dangerous drug that makes humans numb, unable to focus, passive, mainstream, unsatisfied with their real lives, poor, obese, and divorced.
I also know that while reading, our critical mind is active. A book is generally one person sharing his worldview. It's like a conversation. With television, you are hypnotized while exposing yourself to someone who will do anything to get your attention and keep it. When you watch television, you are the product. Your attention is what is for sale. Companies are not interested in providing quality entertainment, so much as they are interested in getting your attention and keeping it by whatever means necessary. Then they sell your attention to their advertisers. That is the nature of the business.
A writer has to sell his books. The reader is the customer. If the books are not good, the writer will not have customers. Not so with television. You are not the customer. You are the product. His customer is the advertisers. And the television writer will write accordingly. The more product they can deliver, the higher their ad revenue. (The Attention Merchants by Tim Wu)
This is why, if you are going to watch something, movies are much preferable to television. With movies, the viewer is the customer. (Though product placement often fudges that line a little.)
I also know that reading is directly related to our ability to think at abstract levels. According to the research of Leda Cosmides our brains cannot abstract verbally past more than five levels of abstraction. To think more abstractly than that requires writing our thoughts down in order to follow them. Reading is directly related to our ability to think complexly.
We ignore and override so much valuable information our subconscious brains feed us. There is a reason we smile and feel warm and fuzzy when we see a child curled up with a book and a reason why we feel disgusted and turned off when we see a child all zombied out in front of a screen.
"Most of the stories are told to most of the children not by their parents, their school, or their church, but by a group of distant corporations that have something to sell." (Sigman)
There are 150 different products linked to Dora the Explorer. The average American child watches 40,000 commercials each year. When the parents of TV free households are surveyed and asked how often their children pressure them to buy brand-name or otherwise popular toys, games, or foods, 97% of them answered never, rarely, or not very much. (Sigman)
"If you think about it in imperialistic terms, cultures and minds can now be colonised remotely.... Formerly known as propaganda, soft power lies in the abiity to attract and persuade other cultures of the validity and desirability of your own.... CNN, HBO and Disney have succeeded where napalm failed. Perhaps Apocalypse Now – The Sequel is playing out on the streets of Hanoi as young Communists can be seen eating M&Ms while watching Eminem." (Sigman)
"'The difference between children who can picture a story or scene in their mind's eye and those who were raised in front of a TV screen are obvious and very profound," wrote Sue, a TV-free mother who is also a kindergarten teacher. "This difference is evident in their play, their artwork, their writing, the foods packed in their lunch boxes, their show-and-tell, and their conversation. TV permeates every facet of thier being. I think children raised with screen shave never experienced what it's like to dream, create, and imagine inside their own heads–independent of externally supplied (usually corporate) vision.'" (Living Outside the Box)
"In 1990, the American Family Research Council reported that the average American parent spent 38.5 minutes in meaningful conversation with his or her children each week. That's less than six minutes a day. Given that our TV viewing has spiraled steadily upward since then, chances are the situation today is no better... For children raised without television, however, circumstances are different. The parents who participated in my survey of TV-free families reported spending an average of 55 minutes per day in meaningful conversation with their children. That's 385 minutes per week...." (Living Outside the Box)
Another interesting thing I remember reading about television is that our brains cannot tell the difference between our television show "friends" and our real life friends. Because our brains are wired to pay more attention to higher status people than lower status people, we will feel a greater need to check in with our television show friends of high status than our real life friends of lower status.
I know that many parents rely on the television to be their babysitter and the thought of going without it is horrifying. It is for that reason that I began Anders's YouTube channel when he was young. I didn't want him to watch cartoons, but I did need some time off, so I created an hour long playlist of home videos on YouTube for him to watch. This worked like a charm, and I highly recommend it as a strategy for parents who want to avoid television. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLD5CYaUtWd6SjTovWryZtPz7pSTwdMj5K
I was not homeschooled or unschooled, but I was raised without television. Yet I am far less mainstream than the homeschooled and unschooled kids I knew growing up who were raised with television. Contrary to the stories some Unlimited TV Moms spread, I didn't pine away wishing I had television in my life or wishing I were more "normal," and I didn't turn into an adult who became a television addict, neither did my siblings. None of us actually watch a lot of television still today and all of us are happy about it. I am not advocating being TV free here – I don't know what would work in your family. But I would encourage parents to think twice about their choice to welcome screens, and especially unlimited screen time into their homes. Television is not in the same addiction category as sugar, it's more similar to METH, and should be treated as such. My research and life experience has led me to conclude that heavy television exposure is more damaging than sending children to school.
Monday, March 6, 2017
Anders's Homeschool Curriculum age 5 1/3
At 5 1/3
Reading
We stopped doing the Kumon reading program in January. He had wanted to do their program, so I supported him, but I never liked it very much. After I read The Well-Trained Mind I was able to explain to him (and myself) exactly why I was not liking the program and why I thought he should stop doing it. Anders agreed to stop after he finished level 3A. Here is the post I wrote about that decision: http://roslynross.blogspot.com/2016/12/ideal-reading-programs-and-kumon-i-can.html.
Sometime in January we went back to doing Hooked on Phonics. We reviewed the kindergarten program for a few weeks, focusing on mastering sound combinations. Anders flew threw it and really enjoyed revisiting books that he had read when he was "young." Then we reviewed the first grade program up to where we had been when we switched last year. It was quite surprising to me how quickly it all came back to him. We have been doing a lot more repetition this time through, reading each little book several times until he has truly mastered it before moving on. We are now about two weeks shy of finishing the first grade program.
We currently read at night right before bed. We read something hard (new) for ten minutes, something easy (review) for five minutes, and then do flashcards for five minutes and some brain quest (we finished the kindergarten one during this time period). Then I read to him until he wants to go to sleep.
I finally found a series of kids' versions of the classics that I like. It's called the Classic Starts series. It is much less dumbed down than the other series of classics for kids that I have read – I have been happy with the vocabulary level. They are short. They are like a quick intro course that enables us to cover more books and decide which ones we really like and want to read the longer versions of. For example, we recently read Pinocchio, Oliver Twist, Treasure Island, Robinson Crusoe and The Story of King Arthur and His Knights in the Classic Starts series. The only one we want to read a longer version of is King Arthur.
We also recently read (the original versions of) Little Men, Swedish Folk Tales, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. All were hits with Anders, of course. The one I liked the most was Swedish Folk Tales. We have read many different books of fairy tales at this point and Swedish Folk Tales is the only one I have ever liked values-wise.
Another thing we have learned – several times, we keep accidentally repeating this experiment due to random circumstances: If Anders watches more than about ninety minutes of television (documentaries) in a single day, he will find doing his work extremely difficult the next day. It's cumulative too. If he watches no television for a few weeks and then has a television intensive day due to traveling, he will only struggle a little the next day whereas if he watches a bunch of television several days in a row, he will get progressively worse at his work each day until he is struggling to the point that we decide to forgo any more television until his brain is better.
What is different about his brain is his ability to focus. If Anders hasn't watched any television in a week, he can sit down and do five pages of math in one sitting. If Anders has had an overdose of screen time, he will do a half a page, stare into space, get distracted with something else, focus long enough to finish the page, and then decide he doesn't feel like doing his work today.
Math
At the beginning of this time period Anders needed something to change with his math. He would say that he wanted to keep doing his math program, but for about two weeks he would never make time to do it. I couldn't blame him – there is so much exciting stuff going on at the farm all the time! I asked him if we could just put the program on pause as I didn't want to pay for it if we weren't going to do it.
That made him very upset, and he started doing the program again. After a few weeks I felt like I had to threaten him with cancelation of the program constantly otherwise he would not make the time to do it. That wasn't working for me.
I told him I was very confused about what to do. His words were saying he wanted to do the program, but not his actions. He told me to just make him do his Kumon, like the kids I used to be a nanny for. Thus began a very interesting discussion that lasted a few days: We try to have no force in our family, but is force okay if the other person gives you permission because they have a goal, but need help with their self-control? Anders thought so. He has helped me from time to time to limit my chocolate consumption, and I was always appreciative.
In the end I decided to experiment and see. I thought Anders might be curious about what it is like to be forced to do something and, when you are five, there is value even in negative experiences, provided they are not traumatizing. I didn't think it would be traumatizing, so we decided that the next day I would be "Anders's nanny instead of his mom."
So, the next morning I didn't let him leave his chair until his math was done, as I had done with many children before him. It was fascinating and depressing. He pulled the math out of his head with a slowness that I had never seen in him before. I have always marveled at how fast and bright he is, but that day he seemed slow and stupid. When his work was finally done, it was ugly, lots of erasing, scribbles, rips, and doodles. His behavior and the work he produced was virtually identical to the kids for whom I had been a nanny. All this time I thought he was so bright, but as it turns out he was bright because he was doing what he wanted to be doing. Shocker.
When his math was done for the day, I asked him what he thought about being forced, and he said, "It was fine. Will you do that again tomorrow?" I was feeling very conflicted. But the experience helped me realize what the problem was or, rather, what Anders needed.
The next day I told him I didn't want to force him. I told him that what I thought he might be interested in was something called self-control.
I said (something along these lines):
"You used to do math for the experience of doing the math. You were learning something new, and it was fun. Learning new things is fun. But after you were done with the learning, it became time to master the math problems and have them so memorized in your brain that you never have to think about them again. That is your new task. And you are experiencing it right now as a boring task, because you haven't learned how to switch brains.
"In a way, we have two brains in our head. Our Long Term Goal Brain and our Right Now Brain. Most of the time, when you are five, your Right Now Brain is the boss. But as you get older, your Long Term Goal Brain starts to grow, and it wants to be the boss sometimes.
"Our Right Now Brains just wants to be experiencing the world, not memorizing things. In fact, it hates memorizing things. It hates it so much that every math problem is painful, and when doing work is painful, the work itself becomes ugly. Look at this work you turned in yesterday!
"If you can learn how to command your attention, by strengthening your focus muscle, your Right Now Brain will be quiet for a minute and your Goal Brain will take over. When your Goal Brain is in charge, doing your math will be easy; you will be fast; your work will be beautiful; and you will feel powerful and competent. For that reason it will be fun again. It is fun to feel powerful and competent.
"You get to decide what brain is the boss. It's called commanding your attention, deciding what to focus on, and then having a strong enough focus muscle to stay focused. Yesterday, when you did your work, you were in your Right Now Brain. That's why the work felt boring and miserable.
"Today, I don't want you to think about doing math. This work isn't about math. This is about your ability to be the boss of your attention. Not me. If I am the boss of your attention you won't get stronger. If you are the boss of your attention you will get stronger and stronger every day. See if you can give all your attention power to your Goal Brain, and just get this done. You will know you are succeeding when time disappears, and you find yourself just whipping out numbers."
This was exactly what Anders needed to hear. His goal became, not to do math pages, but to see if he could command his attention and strengthen his focus muscle. He started with just one page at a time. But he could feel the difference. When he was in his Goal Brain he felt powerful and capable and the math was easy to do and time flew by. When he lost his focus, there were suddenly lots of mistakes on the page, and he felt powerless and miserable. (Or at least, that is what he told me. It's entirely possible he was just repeating to me what I had said.)
It took about a week for him to get his focus up to five pages straight. The new game of "Can I Focus My Brain?" was so interesting for him that he started hopping out of bed in the morning and saying, "Give me my pages!" Then he would sit down and whip them out, five beautiful pages with no errors and nice handwriting. Many times there would be a section, around page two or three in which there would be three problems or so that were scribbled out, and I would say, "Look, I can see you lost your focus here, and I can see here you got it back here."
At the end of this time period: Anders continues to race through his math every day, impressing himself with his speed and memorization abilities and blowing me away with his persistence and determination. He is almost done with the long, hard unit of 3A.
After he is done with his Kumon pages we do one page in his logic workbook. Sometimes he thinks it is so much fun that he ends up doing ten pages.
Business Skills
It occurs to me that this should be its own section, as it is a major part of Anders's curriculum. Right now, we play Money Bags every day. In the past we have also played Monopoly. We recently read (again) all the Tuttle Twins Books, Who Is Bill Gates, Who Was Steve Jobs, Buy My Hats, Lemonade in Winter, Escape the Rat Race, Flicka, Ricka, Dicka Go to Market, Alexander, Who Used To Be Rich Last Sunday, and Fisherman's Catch. In the past we read: Who Was Milton Hershey, Who is Richard Bronson, Diddle Daddle Ducking, Pelle's New Suit, and How and Economy Grows and Why It Doesn't.
Anders also goes to work with his dad once a week or so for two to six hours. Tom also takes Anders on special "business dates," in which they meet an important lawyer or car dealer.
I talk about gold, silver, dollars, and cordobas with Anders and we have been to a coin store where Anders bought himself some pieces of silver. For the solstice this year, Anders decided to forgo getting sweets in his stocking so he could have another silver coin.
Games
Anders's favorite game is still memory, though he loves any game anyone wants to play, especially games that involve running like hide and seek and tag.
Social Skills
Anders thinks that calling people names is the funniest thing ever, so funny that he shrieks. What is funny to me is what he thinks is funny to call people: a hammer, a nail, a window, a block of cement, rice, beans, milk, an ant, a chicken, a dog, a pig. I assume his brain is learning metaphors.
We had a family visit us at the farm for a week. They had a five year old boy who was our guest. They boys butted heads a lot at first, but after a few days they learned how to get along and became quite good friends with almost no squabbles.
I don't really have anything else interesting to note. Anders seems quite competent, outgoing, friendly, bossy at times and kind at times, and struggles with things other five-year-olds struggle with.
Fantasy
Anders pretends: that he is on his way to an airport and might be late, that he is riding on Air Force One with the president, that he is a Jedi and has to protect his property from thieves, that he owns a farm, and that he has invented a new weapon that makes him super powerful. He has an endless fantasy life and is always playing games and talking to himself. He can entertain himself for hours at a time. On our recent long travel day from the farm to Los Angeles, he never asked for the iPad, he was too involved in the world around him and the game he was playing with his Legos.
The other mom that was visiting marveled at Anders's ability to entertain himself.
Eating & Nutrition
We read The Adventures of Andrew Price and I still talk to Anders regularly about why I make the food choices I do. I also told him that our taste buds are largely habit based, liking anything they have tasted twenty times. I asked him if he would start tasting various healthy foods and he happily complied. He generally announces that he loves something new after only the second or third taste. Many times he likes things the first time.
There is no force here. If he says he doesn't want to taste something I say, "Okay, maybe next time." or I argue with him, "But Anders, carrots have vitamin A in them which is so good for your eyes!" Generally any argument works and Anders decides to taste whatever it is I was offering.
Because Anders has been raised on real food (as opposed to processed food), if he eats too much processed food he will throw it up. I was reminded of this recently when he was served goldfish at a friend's house (and vomited them up the minute he got home).
Interests
One day I saw two fire trucks. Anders saw them at the same time and said, "Look mom! A ladder truck and a pump truck." I looked at the trucks and noticed that yes, one did have a ladder on it, and the other, well, let's be honest, they all just look like firetrucks to me.
Anders is interested in Star Wars because other boys are. He is also very interested in war, weapons, money, and Donald Trump. He continues to be interested in being stronger and finding a partner.
Average day at the farm:
6:00am Wake, do Kumon
6:30am Have breakfast as fast as possible, run off to play
8:00am-12:00pm Work with German or Erick or Elieser, weeding, trimming trees, stacking fire wood, digging swales, or do cooking project with Emelia
12:00pm lunch
12:30pm Play with friends, swim, run around, play Legos
5:00pm dinner
5:30pm get ready for bed, admire the stars
6:00pm get in bead, do Hooked on Phonics, play games with Mom, read
7:30pm sleep
Reading
We stopped doing the Kumon reading program in January. He had wanted to do their program, so I supported him, but I never liked it very much. After I read The Well-Trained Mind I was able to explain to him (and myself) exactly why I was not liking the program and why I thought he should stop doing it. Anders agreed to stop after he finished level 3A. Here is the post I wrote about that decision: http://roslynross.blogspot.com/2016/12/ideal-reading-programs-and-kumon-i-can.html.
Sometime in January we went back to doing Hooked on Phonics. We reviewed the kindergarten program for a few weeks, focusing on mastering sound combinations. Anders flew threw it and really enjoyed revisiting books that he had read when he was "young." Then we reviewed the first grade program up to where we had been when we switched last year. It was quite surprising to me how quickly it all came back to him. We have been doing a lot more repetition this time through, reading each little book several times until he has truly mastered it before moving on. We are now about two weeks shy of finishing the first grade program.
We currently read at night right before bed. We read something hard (new) for ten minutes, something easy (review) for five minutes, and then do flashcards for five minutes and some brain quest (we finished the kindergarten one during this time period). Then I read to him until he wants to go to sleep.
I finally found a series of kids' versions of the classics that I like. It's called the Classic Starts series. It is much less dumbed down than the other series of classics for kids that I have read – I have been happy with the vocabulary level. They are short. They are like a quick intro course that enables us to cover more books and decide which ones we really like and want to read the longer versions of. For example, we recently read Pinocchio, Oliver Twist, Treasure Island, Robinson Crusoe and The Story of King Arthur and His Knights in the Classic Starts series. The only one we want to read a longer version of is King Arthur.
We also recently read (the original versions of) Little Men, Swedish Folk Tales, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. All were hits with Anders, of course. The one I liked the most was Swedish Folk Tales. We have read many different books of fairy tales at this point and Swedish Folk Tales is the only one I have ever liked values-wise.
Another thing we have learned – several times, we keep accidentally repeating this experiment due to random circumstances: If Anders watches more than about ninety minutes of television (documentaries) in a single day, he will find doing his work extremely difficult the next day. It's cumulative too. If he watches no television for a few weeks and then has a television intensive day due to traveling, he will only struggle a little the next day whereas if he watches a bunch of television several days in a row, he will get progressively worse at his work each day until he is struggling to the point that we decide to forgo any more television until his brain is better.
What is different about his brain is his ability to focus. If Anders hasn't watched any television in a week, he can sit down and do five pages of math in one sitting. If Anders has had an overdose of screen time, he will do a half a page, stare into space, get distracted with something else, focus long enough to finish the page, and then decide he doesn't feel like doing his work today.
Math
At the beginning of this time period Anders needed something to change with his math. He would say that he wanted to keep doing his math program, but for about two weeks he would never make time to do it. I couldn't blame him – there is so much exciting stuff going on at the farm all the time! I asked him if we could just put the program on pause as I didn't want to pay for it if we weren't going to do it.
That made him very upset, and he started doing the program again. After a few weeks I felt like I had to threaten him with cancelation of the program constantly otherwise he would not make the time to do it. That wasn't working for me.
I told him I was very confused about what to do. His words were saying he wanted to do the program, but not his actions. He told me to just make him do his Kumon, like the kids I used to be a nanny for. Thus began a very interesting discussion that lasted a few days: We try to have no force in our family, but is force okay if the other person gives you permission because they have a goal, but need help with their self-control? Anders thought so. He has helped me from time to time to limit my chocolate consumption, and I was always appreciative.
In the end I decided to experiment and see. I thought Anders might be curious about what it is like to be forced to do something and, when you are five, there is value even in negative experiences, provided they are not traumatizing. I didn't think it would be traumatizing, so we decided that the next day I would be "Anders's nanny instead of his mom."
So, the next morning I didn't let him leave his chair until his math was done, as I had done with many children before him. It was fascinating and depressing. He pulled the math out of his head with a slowness that I had never seen in him before. I have always marveled at how fast and bright he is, but that day he seemed slow and stupid. When his work was finally done, it was ugly, lots of erasing, scribbles, rips, and doodles. His behavior and the work he produced was virtually identical to the kids for whom I had been a nanny. All this time I thought he was so bright, but as it turns out he was bright because he was doing what he wanted to be doing. Shocker.
When his math was done for the day, I asked him what he thought about being forced, and he said, "It was fine. Will you do that again tomorrow?" I was feeling very conflicted. But the experience helped me realize what the problem was or, rather, what Anders needed.
The next day I told him I didn't want to force him. I told him that what I thought he might be interested in was something called self-control.
I said (something along these lines):
"You used to do math for the experience of doing the math. You were learning something new, and it was fun. Learning new things is fun. But after you were done with the learning, it became time to master the math problems and have them so memorized in your brain that you never have to think about them again. That is your new task. And you are experiencing it right now as a boring task, because you haven't learned how to switch brains.
"In a way, we have two brains in our head. Our Long Term Goal Brain and our Right Now Brain. Most of the time, when you are five, your Right Now Brain is the boss. But as you get older, your Long Term Goal Brain starts to grow, and it wants to be the boss sometimes.
"Our Right Now Brains just wants to be experiencing the world, not memorizing things. In fact, it hates memorizing things. It hates it so much that every math problem is painful, and when doing work is painful, the work itself becomes ugly. Look at this work you turned in yesterday!
"If you can learn how to command your attention, by strengthening your focus muscle, your Right Now Brain will be quiet for a minute and your Goal Brain will take over. When your Goal Brain is in charge, doing your math will be easy; you will be fast; your work will be beautiful; and you will feel powerful and competent. For that reason it will be fun again. It is fun to feel powerful and competent.
"You get to decide what brain is the boss. It's called commanding your attention, deciding what to focus on, and then having a strong enough focus muscle to stay focused. Yesterday, when you did your work, you were in your Right Now Brain. That's why the work felt boring and miserable.
"Today, I don't want you to think about doing math. This work isn't about math. This is about your ability to be the boss of your attention. Not me. If I am the boss of your attention you won't get stronger. If you are the boss of your attention you will get stronger and stronger every day. See if you can give all your attention power to your Goal Brain, and just get this done. You will know you are succeeding when time disappears, and you find yourself just whipping out numbers."
This was exactly what Anders needed to hear. His goal became, not to do math pages, but to see if he could command his attention and strengthen his focus muscle. He started with just one page at a time. But he could feel the difference. When he was in his Goal Brain he felt powerful and capable and the math was easy to do and time flew by. When he lost his focus, there were suddenly lots of mistakes on the page, and he felt powerless and miserable. (Or at least, that is what he told me. It's entirely possible he was just repeating to me what I had said.)
It took about a week for him to get his focus up to five pages straight. The new game of "Can I Focus My Brain?" was so interesting for him that he started hopping out of bed in the morning and saying, "Give me my pages!" Then he would sit down and whip them out, five beautiful pages with no errors and nice handwriting. Many times there would be a section, around page two or three in which there would be three problems or so that were scribbled out, and I would say, "Look, I can see you lost your focus here, and I can see here you got it back here."
At the end of this time period: Anders continues to race through his math every day, impressing himself with his speed and memorization abilities and blowing me away with his persistence and determination. He is almost done with the long, hard unit of 3A.
After he is done with his Kumon pages we do one page in his logic workbook. Sometimes he thinks it is so much fun that he ends up doing ten pages.
Business Skills
It occurs to me that this should be its own section, as it is a major part of Anders's curriculum. Right now, we play Money Bags every day. In the past we have also played Monopoly. We recently read (again) all the Tuttle Twins Books, Who Is Bill Gates, Who Was Steve Jobs, Buy My Hats, Lemonade in Winter, Escape the Rat Race, Flicka, Ricka, Dicka Go to Market, Alexander, Who Used To Be Rich Last Sunday, and Fisherman's Catch. In the past we read: Who Was Milton Hershey, Who is Richard Bronson, Diddle Daddle Ducking, Pelle's New Suit, and How and Economy Grows and Why It Doesn't.
Anders also goes to work with his dad once a week or so for two to six hours. Tom also takes Anders on special "business dates," in which they meet an important lawyer or car dealer.
I talk about gold, silver, dollars, and cordobas with Anders and we have been to a coin store where Anders bought himself some pieces of silver. For the solstice this year, Anders decided to forgo getting sweets in his stocking so he could have another silver coin.
Games
Anders's favorite game is still memory, though he loves any game anyone wants to play, especially games that involve running like hide and seek and tag.
Social Skills
Anders thinks that calling people names is the funniest thing ever, so funny that he shrieks. What is funny to me is what he thinks is funny to call people: a hammer, a nail, a window, a block of cement, rice, beans, milk, an ant, a chicken, a dog, a pig. I assume his brain is learning metaphors.
We had a family visit us at the farm for a week. They had a five year old boy who was our guest. They boys butted heads a lot at first, but after a few days they learned how to get along and became quite good friends with almost no squabbles.
I don't really have anything else interesting to note. Anders seems quite competent, outgoing, friendly, bossy at times and kind at times, and struggles with things other five-year-olds struggle with.
Fantasy
Anders pretends: that he is on his way to an airport and might be late, that he is riding on Air Force One with the president, that he is a Jedi and has to protect his property from thieves, that he owns a farm, and that he has invented a new weapon that makes him super powerful. He has an endless fantasy life and is always playing games and talking to himself. He can entertain himself for hours at a time. On our recent long travel day from the farm to Los Angeles, he never asked for the iPad, he was too involved in the world around him and the game he was playing with his Legos.
The other mom that was visiting marveled at Anders's ability to entertain himself.
Eating & Nutrition
We read The Adventures of Andrew Price and I still talk to Anders regularly about why I make the food choices I do. I also told him that our taste buds are largely habit based, liking anything they have tasted twenty times. I asked him if he would start tasting various healthy foods and he happily complied. He generally announces that he loves something new after only the second or third taste. Many times he likes things the first time.
There is no force here. If he says he doesn't want to taste something I say, "Okay, maybe next time." or I argue with him, "But Anders, carrots have vitamin A in them which is so good for your eyes!" Generally any argument works and Anders decides to taste whatever it is I was offering.
Because Anders has been raised on real food (as opposed to processed food), if he eats too much processed food he will throw it up. I was reminded of this recently when he was served goldfish at a friend's house (and vomited them up the minute he got home).
Interests
One day I saw two fire trucks. Anders saw them at the same time and said, "Look mom! A ladder truck and a pump truck." I looked at the trucks and noticed that yes, one did have a ladder on it, and the other, well, let's be honest, they all just look like firetrucks to me.
Anders is interested in Star Wars because other boys are. He is also very interested in war, weapons, money, and Donald Trump. He continues to be interested in being stronger and finding a partner.
Average day at the farm:
6:00am Wake, do Kumon
6:30am Have breakfast as fast as possible, run off to play
8:00am-12:00pm Work with German or Erick or Elieser, weeding, trimming trees, stacking fire wood, digging swales, or do cooking project with Emelia
12:00pm lunch
12:30pm Play with friends, swim, run around, play Legos
5:00pm dinner
5:30pm get ready for bed, admire the stars
6:00pm get in bead, do Hooked on Phonics, play games with Mom, read
7:30pm sleep
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
What Maids, Cooks, Drivers, Gardeners Have to do with Raising Children
*I just updated the Nicaraguan gulch post with this paragraph, but I thought it also deserved its own post.
I ran into an Argentinian couple the other day. They met in New York and lived there until the birth of their first child. They found raising children in NYC to be unbearable, so they moved to Nicaragua. Not Argentina. Not elsewhere in the US. Why? Because they wanted more children. And in Nicaragua (unlike the US or Argentina) they could afford it and enjoy it. Because to truly enjoy raising your children you need help, they told me. In Nicaragua they could afford the maid, cook and driver that make raising children so much more enjoyable.
This hit home for me because I worked for some of the wealthiest families in Los Angeles--they had full time maids, cooks, and nannies--but raising children in those lonely houses was still unbearable.
I envisioned how a city gulch (a place where one could enjoy raising her children) could work, but it required too much capital to get it going. So I chose the farm gulch, where raising Anders is every bit as idyllic as I imagined it would be. It's not perfect, but if there were 120 voluntaryists here it would be as close to perfect as my ideal life could possibly be.
It's hard for egalitarian Americans to understand the value of having help. The fact is: All parents would be significantly happier with maids, cooks, drivers, gardeners, personal secretaries, and the like. Raising children is not a two person job. Yes, I would rather the help be grandparents, bachelor uncles, spinster aunts, strange cousins, and single friends but that was not an option for me. So I chose the paid staff. What I don't consider a viable choice is the two parents doing it alone. It's just too miserable and hard.
Every parenting book talks about the time crunch, and how you have to lower your cleanliness standards, lower your organizational standards, lower your cooking standards, lower your expectations of your own behavior: That is the only way the two-parent household can cope with parenting. This is nuts.
When raising children our behavioral standards and cooking (nutrition) standards should be of the highest quality in our lives. Or at least that's what I wanted for my parenting experience. So, like the Argentinians, I live in Nicaragua.
"It was a very simple decision for us," the Argentinian woman told me, "if we still lived in New York, my younger two children would never have been born."
I concur!
That being said, let me state the problem in a different way so that other solutions become apparent: A child is a 98 hour a week responsibility, not including nights, cooking, and cleaning. 98 hours is a hard load to carry. This load would be easier divided up among three people. Interestingly enough, here in Nicaragua I have a cook, a maid, and me here to care for one child. This is easy and an enjoyable way to do things. But with this arrangement, I could handle a lot more kids, up to six I would say. Now, I can't pop out five more kids because I spend about five months of the year in Los Angeles (or Santa Barbara or Whistler or wherever we decide to go). Those months are grueling. But, what if, in Los Angeles, three sets of parents decide to live together and share a cook and a maid? Now, not only do I have a cook and a maid in Los Angeles, I have companionship at home and so does my son! Now parenting is more enjoyable.
The same can be done in other places. I think parents would be wise to form groups of 4-5 couples. The couples decide to raise their children together. Perhaps they buy one big house or apartments all next door or they live in a neighborhood and make one big backyard instead of five backyards. Better yet maybe there could be a house with four different wings and then a shared play space for the children and cooking space in the center. This is very similar to the extended families that reared children for so many centuries. The kids are happy because they have people to play with. The women are happy because they have people to cook and clean with. The kids can connect with more than just their moms (they have other adults around). Better yet if the guys work within walking distance or at home so the working world can be part of their lives as well. But now we are getting into the "City Gulch" idea I wrote about before:
http://roslynross.blogspot.com/2013/01/my-ideal-unschool-community-here-and-now.html
I am not saying that the two parent household isn't doable. Children have been raised in two person households (and one parent) for almost a century. I am saying that it is not enjoyable. Sure, everyone loves their kids. But man is it hard! So hard, that most people, as soon as they leave their extended family situation, will opt for having just 1 kid. The birthrate in all affluent societies is always negative. Immigrants live with their extended families and have a lot of kids. Then they adapt to the Western way of doing things, switch to a two parent household, and voila, negative birth rate for them too.
The solution in some societies has been more and more compartmentalization of life and government involvement in the family. "Oh no, we have a negative birth rate! Let's get them to have more kids by paying for child care and school!" The problem is: This doesn't fix the problem. It makes parenting doable but not enjoyable. Children raised by other people become alienated from their parents. Children removed from the world require parents to be removed from the world or to be separated from their children. Instead, people interested in solving the negative birth rate problem need to think: Under what set of circumstances is raising children enjoyable. If it is enjoyable people will do it more.
The solution I propose is:
1. Invite children back into the world
2. Keep families together
3. Get rid of the nuclear family as a child-rearing model
Lastly, if you want to go all conspiracy theorist, consider that the government does not benefit from happy families that are wonderfully bonded and love each other. Governments do not like multigenerational extended families because they are their own little worlds--and if they get big and strong they may end up wanting to be their own government.... Governments benefit from raising the kids. They get to decide what values are imparted onto them. They make the kids into "Americans" instead of proud member of "Clan Garrett." The loyalty is to them, not the family. The family bonds, severed in childhood, keep the government in power. Moreover, the harder and more miserable parenting is, the more willing people are to hang their children to the government to be raised (free school! free daycare! let's be like Sweden!)
Not saying there is a conspiracy going on. Just saying people make decisions based on what benefits them. Those in power are not benefited by competing powers.
I ran into an Argentinian couple the other day. They met in New York and lived there until the birth of their first child. They found raising children in NYC to be unbearable, so they moved to Nicaragua. Not Argentina. Not elsewhere in the US. Why? Because they wanted more children. And in Nicaragua (unlike the US or Argentina) they could afford it and enjoy it. Because to truly enjoy raising your children you need help, they told me. In Nicaragua they could afford the maid, cook and driver that make raising children so much more enjoyable.
This hit home for me because I worked for some of the wealthiest families in Los Angeles--they had full time maids, cooks, and nannies--but raising children in those lonely houses was still unbearable.
I envisioned how a city gulch (a place where one could enjoy raising her children) could work, but it required too much capital to get it going. So I chose the farm gulch, where raising Anders is every bit as idyllic as I imagined it would be. It's not perfect, but if there were 120 voluntaryists here it would be as close to perfect as my ideal life could possibly be.
It's hard for egalitarian Americans to understand the value of having help. The fact is: All parents would be significantly happier with maids, cooks, drivers, gardeners, personal secretaries, and the like. Raising children is not a two person job. Yes, I would rather the help be grandparents, bachelor uncles, spinster aunts, strange cousins, and single friends but that was not an option for me. So I chose the paid staff. What I don't consider a viable choice is the two parents doing it alone. It's just too miserable and hard.
Every parenting book talks about the time crunch, and how you have to lower your cleanliness standards, lower your organizational standards, lower your cooking standards, lower your expectations of your own behavior: That is the only way the two-parent household can cope with parenting. This is nuts.
When raising children our behavioral standards and cooking (nutrition) standards should be of the highest quality in our lives. Or at least that's what I wanted for my parenting experience. So, like the Argentinians, I live in Nicaragua.
"It was a very simple decision for us," the Argentinian woman told me, "if we still lived in New York, my younger two children would never have been born."
I concur!
That being said, let me state the problem in a different way so that other solutions become apparent: A child is a 98 hour a week responsibility, not including nights, cooking, and cleaning. 98 hours is a hard load to carry. This load would be easier divided up among three people. Interestingly enough, here in Nicaragua I have a cook, a maid, and me here to care for one child. This is easy and an enjoyable way to do things. But with this arrangement, I could handle a lot more kids, up to six I would say. Now, I can't pop out five more kids because I spend about five months of the year in Los Angeles (or Santa Barbara or Whistler or wherever we decide to go). Those months are grueling. But, what if, in Los Angeles, three sets of parents decide to live together and share a cook and a maid? Now, not only do I have a cook and a maid in Los Angeles, I have companionship at home and so does my son! Now parenting is more enjoyable.
The same can be done in other places. I think parents would be wise to form groups of 4-5 couples. The couples decide to raise their children together. Perhaps they buy one big house or apartments all next door or they live in a neighborhood and make one big backyard instead of five backyards. Better yet maybe there could be a house with four different wings and then a shared play space for the children and cooking space in the center. This is very similar to the extended families that reared children for so many centuries. The kids are happy because they have people to play with. The women are happy because they have people to cook and clean with. The kids can connect with more than just their moms (they have other adults around). Better yet if the guys work within walking distance or at home so the working world can be part of their lives as well. But now we are getting into the "City Gulch" idea I wrote about before:
http://roslynross.blogspot.com/2013/01/my-ideal-unschool-community-here-and-now.html
I am not saying that the two parent household isn't doable. Children have been raised in two person households (and one parent) for almost a century. I am saying that it is not enjoyable. Sure, everyone loves their kids. But man is it hard! So hard, that most people, as soon as they leave their extended family situation, will opt for having just 1 kid. The birthrate in all affluent societies is always negative. Immigrants live with their extended families and have a lot of kids. Then they adapt to the Western way of doing things, switch to a two parent household, and voila, negative birth rate for them too.
The solution in some societies has been more and more compartmentalization of life and government involvement in the family. "Oh no, we have a negative birth rate! Let's get them to have more kids by paying for child care and school!" The problem is: This doesn't fix the problem. It makes parenting doable but not enjoyable. Children raised by other people become alienated from their parents. Children removed from the world require parents to be removed from the world or to be separated from their children. Instead, people interested in solving the negative birth rate problem need to think: Under what set of circumstances is raising children enjoyable. If it is enjoyable people will do it more.
The solution I propose is:
1. Invite children back into the world
2. Keep families together
3. Get rid of the nuclear family as a child-rearing model
Lastly, if you want to go all conspiracy theorist, consider that the government does not benefit from happy families that are wonderfully bonded and love each other. Governments do not like multigenerational extended families because they are their own little worlds--and if they get big and strong they may end up wanting to be their own government.... Governments benefit from raising the kids. They get to decide what values are imparted onto them. They make the kids into "Americans" instead of proud member of "Clan Garrett." The loyalty is to them, not the family. The family bonds, severed in childhood, keep the government in power. Moreover, the harder and more miserable parenting is, the more willing people are to hang their children to the government to be raised (free school! free daycare! let's be like Sweden!)
Not saying there is a conspiracy going on. Just saying people make decisions based on what benefits them. Those in power are not benefited by competing powers.
Another way to think about it though is that multigenerational families is akin to tribalism. And tribalist societies (collectivist societies) suck. The Christian church went to a great deal of effort to dismantle the extended family--and it is possibly their success at that that led to the creation of the West, of individualism, of the invention of the scientific method and everything we enjoy today that has been invented because of it! So ... we need to find a balance of individualism and collectivism. Pure individualism is too lonely. But Collectivism is too corrupt and uninventive.
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Things I Got Right and Wrong: The First Five Years
Before I had Anders, I had worked with kids for over a decade and had read hundreds of books on raising children. I had developed many hypotheses that I didn't get to fully put into practice until I had my own family. (And perhaps, if you have read the same books I have read, you have similar expectations.)
Here are the things I got wrong and right in my little n=1 study.
As Henrik grows I will update this list. If it says x2 it means I had the same results the second time around as well.
PREGNANCY
-By eating a high fat, med protein, low sugar diet I won't get morning sickness: RIGHT x3. (But pregnancy was still horrible.)
-By having my baby at home, where my subconscious brain feels safe, I will have a complication-free birth: RIGHT x3
-By having my baby at home, I will have a peaceful birth: WRONG. Birth is horrific (in my opinion). It doesn't matter where you do it.
-A water birth will make birth suck a little less: WRONG. Birth is horrific on land or in water.
-By having my baby at home, and by studying birth psychology (hynobirthing, reading Baby Catcher), I will have a fast birth: RIGHT (3.5 hours for Anders, 6 hours for Henrik (water slowed it down), 30 minutes from start to finish for Soren (walking sped it up)
BABY
-By not using artificial light in the first two weeks, I will have a newborn that effortlessly learns night and day. RIGHT x3
-By eating a WAPF + bland/nursing friendly diet I will have a baby that does not spit up. RIGHTx3
-By eating a WAPF diet and breastfeeding for two years, I will have a baby that never gets cradle cap, eye infections, or other illnesses. RIGHTx3
-I don't need to hire a lactation consultant as breast feeding is natural and easy. WRONG (I had actually always planned on having a lactation consultant as everything I had read told me that if I wanted to be successful at breastfeeding, that was the way to go, but then my mother put in her two cents and, well, I took her advice. Terrible mistake. Anders didn't get enough food for his first week. With Henrik I had a lactation consultant come to make sure we were doing it right. We weren't. I was trying to do lay-down nursing before Henrik was developmentally ready. With Soren I did not need one.)
-By following Dr. Mendelsohn's advice in How to Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of Your Doctor, I will avoid needless (all) trips to the doctor and the emergency room. RIGHT (after his well-baby, Anders went to the doctor only twice before he was five, once to retrieve something he put up his nose and once for diagnosis of impetigo rash. Henrik went to the doctor once for a bad cold he had at nine months. Soren has never been.)
-By following Baby-Led Weaning I will have a baby that does not choke on food. RIGHTx3 (Though ... most babies don't choke on food so....)
-By putting my baby in cloth diapers, I will have a baby that never gets diaper rash. RIGHT, however, I used disposable diapers for Henrik and Soren. Henrik got a diaper rash once while we were traveling and I used an unnatural brand. Soren never had diaper rash.
-By following RIE techniques I will have a self-confident baby. RIGHTx3
-By following RIE techniques my baby will develop good communication and cooperation skills at a very young age. RIGHTx3
-By not buying entertaining toys (only passive toys) my baby will be able to entertain himself for long periods of time. RIGHTx3
-I don't need to be "consistent;" babies are smart enough to understand that we do things this way one time and that way the next time. Explaining these things to babies makes them better decision makers. RIGHTx3 *Now that I have three kids, I find routines and consistency to be life-savers in terms of the chaos of parenting.
TODDLER
-By feeding my child whatever I am eating, I will have a child with an expansive palate, who enjoys flavorful food, including fish, sushi, and spicy foods. INCONCLUSIVE All three of my kids are annoyingly picky. But all three also love things other kids don't. Anders and Henrik love liver. Soren won't eat it. Henrik and Soren love caviar. Anders doesn't. All three eat fish. Only Anders eats shellfish. All three love sushi. Anders loves spicy food. All three hate (most) Nicaraguan food.
-By never having an opinion about whether or what my son eats when meals are presented to him, I will raise a "good eater." WRONG (Soren is a good eater. The other two don't eat enough in my opinion.)
-By raising my son with RIE techniques he will be a safe climber and never get a hard hit to his head or break a bone. RIGHTx3 (Due to failing to follow RIE techniques for a while when Henrik was young, he actually became super dangerous from 10-12 months before I realized what we were doing wrong.)
-By raising my child in reality--and therefore never giving him floaties or help that will give him an artificial relationship with the water--he will teach himself to swim at a young age, and be safe around pools and other bodies of water RIGHTx2 (this means I sat in a chair near the pool while he crawled over and explored the water, not that I let him play near the pool while I went and made dinner. I spent a lot of time on the steps with my toddlers. They did get overexcited and throw themselves into the water once or twice, but I let them go under for just a second before fishing them out and they don't do that again. By 18 months they have been safe around pools. Both Anders and Henrik taught themselves to swim at 3.
-By inviting my son into the bathroom with me, discussing what is interesting about poop and pee, and allowing my son to spend time naked, I will have a child that is a) not afraid of toilets b) not afraid of pooping c) potty trains himself with ease. RIGHTx3 (At the age of 18 months Henrik started showing interest in using the toilet. I bought him a little toddler potty and five minutes after I set it down in the bathroom and took off his clothes he pooped in it. However, a child cannot be potty independent until they can pull their own pants down and back up. This happens around 2 1/2 to 3, so I make zero effort to do any real potty training before then, as in, it's all just for fun until then. But once they are ready, I have been blown away three times by how easy and relaxed it has been.)
-There is no super-defiant "no" phase for respectfully raise children. RIGHTx3
-Because I don't chase after him or control him, because it is "our" goal to not lose one another, I will have a toddler that never runs away in stores or parks or other places. RIGHTx3
-By giving him information about safety around cars but not being controlling about it, my toddler will make safe choices in parking lots and around cars. RIGHTx3
-If I use NVC, the woods good and bad will never be necessary. WRONG (concepts exist because we experience them, not because the words create them. It's important to be cognizant of what we are trying to express, but good and bad are fine, useful concepts.)
-If I create a respectful relationship with my son, he will give to me when I ask, for example, we will not struggle over him getting into his carseat. RIGHTx3 (Anders was forced into his carseat against his will only once in his life. Neither Henrik nor Soren have ever been forced into their carseats. *I think another key to my success in this area is giving the kids ample time to play in the car.
-By raising my child respectfully, he will not throw tantrums. RIGHTx3
-By never hitting my son, I will have a child that never hits. WRONG
-By focusing on creating a secure attachment and respecting his needs, I will have a child who never protests when I drop him off somewhere or have a sitter come. RIGHTx3 (I never once dropped either of my babies off and let them cry, or hired a baby sitter and let him cry. It it always their choice ... and yet they always choose to give me time off if I ask for it.)
-By inviting my son to life with me, I will have a child quite advanced for his age in the study of real life. RIGHTx3 (Note this is where RIE and I part ways. RIE does not invite children to life with their parent, but rather puts them into daycare.) Note what Anders could do when he was two: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uenJsBFd5wU.
PRESCHOOL
-By eating a WAPF diet, we won't get colds. WRONG. (Though none of them have been serious. None my kids have ever been on antibiotics.)
-By eating gourmet, adult food from a young age, I will have a child that does not like the classic kid foods like pasta, pizza, hot dogs, and french fries. WRONG
-By eating adult food from a young age and having absolute authority about what goes in and what does not go in to his mouth, I will have a child who is an "adventurous eater," willing to try new things. RIGHT MOSTLY (If Soren is full he will not taste the desert.)
Here are the things I got wrong and right in my little n=1 study.
As Henrik grows I will update this list. If it says x2 it means I had the same results the second time around as well.
PREGNANCY
-By eating a high fat, med protein, low sugar diet I won't get morning sickness: RIGHT x3. (But pregnancy was still horrible.)
-By having my baby at home, where my subconscious brain feels safe, I will have a complication-free birth: RIGHT x3
-By having my baby at home, I will have a peaceful birth: WRONG. Birth is horrific (in my opinion). It doesn't matter where you do it.
-A water birth will make birth suck a little less: WRONG. Birth is horrific on land or in water.
-By having my baby at home, and by studying birth psychology (hynobirthing, reading Baby Catcher), I will have a fast birth: RIGHT (3.5 hours for Anders, 6 hours for Henrik (water slowed it down), 30 minutes from start to finish for Soren (walking sped it up)
BABY
-By not using artificial light in the first two weeks, I will have a newborn that effortlessly learns night and day. RIGHT x3
-By eating a WAPF + bland/nursing friendly diet I will have a baby that does not spit up. RIGHTx3
-By eating a WAPF diet and breastfeeding for two years, I will have a baby that never gets cradle cap, eye infections, or other illnesses. RIGHTx3
-I don't need to hire a lactation consultant as breast feeding is natural and easy. WRONG (I had actually always planned on having a lactation consultant as everything I had read told me that if I wanted to be successful at breastfeeding, that was the way to go, but then my mother put in her two cents and, well, I took her advice. Terrible mistake. Anders didn't get enough food for his first week. With Henrik I had a lactation consultant come to make sure we were doing it right. We weren't. I was trying to do lay-down nursing before Henrik was developmentally ready. With Soren I did not need one.)
-By following Dr. Mendelsohn's advice in How to Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of Your Doctor, I will avoid needless (all) trips to the doctor and the emergency room. RIGHT (after his well-baby, Anders went to the doctor only twice before he was five, once to retrieve something he put up his nose and once for diagnosis of impetigo rash. Henrik went to the doctor once for a bad cold he had at nine months. Soren has never been.)
-By following Baby-Led Weaning I will have a baby that does not choke on food. RIGHTx3 (Though ... most babies don't choke on food so....)
-By putting my baby in cloth diapers, I will have a baby that never gets diaper rash. RIGHT, however, I used disposable diapers for Henrik and Soren. Henrik got a diaper rash once while we were traveling and I used an unnatural brand. Soren never had diaper rash.
-By following RIE techniques I will have a self-confident baby. RIGHTx3
-By following RIE techniques my baby will develop good communication and cooperation skills at a very young age. RIGHTx3
-By not buying entertaining toys (only passive toys) my baby will be able to entertain himself for long periods of time. RIGHTx3
-I don't need to be "consistent;" babies are smart enough to understand that we do things this way one time and that way the next time. Explaining these things to babies makes them better decision makers. RIGHTx3 *Now that I have three kids, I find routines and consistency to be life-savers in terms of the chaos of parenting.
TODDLER
-By feeding my child whatever I am eating, I will have a child with an expansive palate, who enjoys flavorful food, including fish, sushi, and spicy foods. INCONCLUSIVE All three of my kids are annoyingly picky. But all three also love things other kids don't. Anders and Henrik love liver. Soren won't eat it. Henrik and Soren love caviar. Anders doesn't. All three eat fish. Only Anders eats shellfish. All three love sushi. Anders loves spicy food. All three hate (most) Nicaraguan food.
-By never having an opinion about whether or what my son eats when meals are presented to him, I will raise a "good eater." WRONG (Soren is a good eater. The other two don't eat enough in my opinion.)
-By raising my son with RIE techniques he will be a safe climber and never get a hard hit to his head or break a bone. RIGHTx3 (Due to failing to follow RIE techniques for a while when Henrik was young, he actually became super dangerous from 10-12 months before I realized what we were doing wrong.)
-By raising my child in reality--and therefore never giving him floaties or help that will give him an artificial relationship with the water--he will teach himself to swim at a young age, and be safe around pools and other bodies of water RIGHTx2 (this means I sat in a chair near the pool while he crawled over and explored the water, not that I let him play near the pool while I went and made dinner. I spent a lot of time on the steps with my toddlers. They did get overexcited and throw themselves into the water once or twice, but I let them go under for just a second before fishing them out and they don't do that again. By 18 months they have been safe around pools. Both Anders and Henrik taught themselves to swim at 3.
-By inviting my son into the bathroom with me, discussing what is interesting about poop and pee, and allowing my son to spend time naked, I will have a child that is a) not afraid of toilets b) not afraid of pooping c) potty trains himself with ease. RIGHTx3 (At the age of 18 months Henrik started showing interest in using the toilet. I bought him a little toddler potty and five minutes after I set it down in the bathroom and took off his clothes he pooped in it. However, a child cannot be potty independent until they can pull their own pants down and back up. This happens around 2 1/2 to 3, so I make zero effort to do any real potty training before then, as in, it's all just for fun until then. But once they are ready, I have been blown away three times by how easy and relaxed it has been.)
-There is no super-defiant "no" phase for respectfully raise children. RIGHTx3
-Because I don't chase after him or control him, because it is "our" goal to not lose one another, I will have a toddler that never runs away in stores or parks or other places. RIGHTx3
-By giving him information about safety around cars but not being controlling about it, my toddler will make safe choices in parking lots and around cars. RIGHTx3
-If I use NVC, the woods good and bad will never be necessary. WRONG (concepts exist because we experience them, not because the words create them. It's important to be cognizant of what we are trying to express, but good and bad are fine, useful concepts.)
-If I create a respectful relationship with my son, he will give to me when I ask, for example, we will not struggle over him getting into his carseat. RIGHTx3 (Anders was forced into his carseat against his will only once in his life. Neither Henrik nor Soren have ever been forced into their carseats. *I think another key to my success in this area is giving the kids ample time to play in the car.
-By raising my child respectfully, he will not throw tantrums. RIGHTx3
-By never hitting my son, I will have a child that never hits. WRONG
-By focusing on creating a secure attachment and respecting his needs, I will have a child who never protests when I drop him off somewhere or have a sitter come. RIGHTx3 (I never once dropped either of my babies off and let them cry, or hired a baby sitter and let him cry. It it always their choice ... and yet they always choose to give me time off if I ask for it.)
-By inviting my son to life with me, I will have a child quite advanced for his age in the study of real life. RIGHTx3 (Note this is where RIE and I part ways. RIE does not invite children to life with their parent, but rather puts them into daycare.) Note what Anders could do when he was two: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uenJsBFd5wU.
PRESCHOOL
-By eating a WAPF diet, we won't get colds. WRONG. (Though none of them have been serious. None my kids have ever been on antibiotics.)
-By eating gourmet, adult food from a young age, I will have a child that does not like the classic kid foods like pasta, pizza, hot dogs, and french fries. WRONG
-By eating adult food from a young age and having absolute authority about what goes in and what does not go in to his mouth, I will have a child who is an "adventurous eater," willing to try new things. RIGHT MOSTLY (If Soren is full he will not taste the desert.)
-Children allowed to freely choose will choose to wipe their noses. WRONG I am fully onboard with coercive nose-wiping now.
-Children allowed to freely choose, will choose to bathe. MOSTLY RIGHT x3 (I do suggest they bathe. The idea doesn't occur to them on their own.)
-Children allowed to freely choose, will choose to wash their hair with shampoo. WRONG I still don't know how I feel about shampoo.
-Children allowed to freely choose will choose to clothe themselves around the age of 5. RIGHT x3
-By making him largely responsible for his own safe choices, my son will make safe choices. RIGHT x3
-If I use NVC with my son, his pretend games will have NVC. WRONG (Ish, he uses more non-NVC communication in his games than he does NVC, but he does use a little NVC.)
-If I am not violent and threatening, my son won't play games in which he uses threats and pretend violence. WRONG
-By focusing on creating a secure attachment, my child will not exhibit the nervousness, eye-twitches, and stuttering that are common at this age. RIGHT x3
-By teaching my son that his needs matter, and taking them seriously, I will have a child that does not whine--not because he is told not to whine, but because it would never occur to him to whine. RIGHT x3
-By treating my son with respect and empowering him to make his own choices, I will raise a child who is not obsessed with power (like dinosaurs, police, anything that represents being big and powerful to a child). WRONG (My conclusion here is that small, powerless people know they are small and powerless, even if you treat them otherwise.)
-If I raise my child in reality, my child will not get nightmares. INCONCLUSIVE Anders and Soren never got nightmares. Henrik is a sleep walker plagued by nightmares. Henrik has also gravitated towards fiction in a way that Anders and Soren never did.
-If I raise my child in reality (no night lights) and spend time with him looking at the stars, my child will not be afraid of the dark. RIGHT x3
-Because we don't watch other types of television, my son will enjoy documentaries. RIGHT x3
-If I homeschool my child, he will confidently converse with and make friends with people older and younger than he is, including teenagers and adults as well. RIGHT x3
-If I homeschool my child and we are television free, he will happily play with girls in addition to boys. RIGHT x3
-If I homeschool my child and we are television free, he will not care about the current popular toys or clothes. RIGHT x3
-By opting out of preschool and bringing my son to life with me, I will get along with him better, have more in common with him, and like him more than other parents with children the same age. RIGHT x3 (This is completely subjective of course.)
-By not entertaining Anders from the beginning, I will have a child that is able to entertain himself. RIGHT x3
-By never dropping Anders off anywhere against his will or hiring a babysitter and leaving him against his will, I will have a child who is not clingy, happy to go to camps and have babysitters, and who is an excellent judge of those caring for him. RIGHT x3
OVERALL
-It is not necessary to read to a child before he is three years old in order to have a child who loves to read and can read at a young age. RIGHT x2
-Raised with information and freedom, young children will choose to eat healthy foods in addition to unhealthy foods. RIGHT x3
-Raised to see their bodies as their responsibility young children will take good care of their bodies. WRONG Teeth-brushing and health eating must be strongly encouraged or required.
-Children can be exposed to reality (including death and violence shown documentaries) and it will not make them anxious if they have competent parents and a secure attachment. RIGHT x2
-Children raised in reality are focused on their futures from a young age. RIGHT x2
-If brought to life with their parents rather than put in a room with other people their age, young children will act more mature than their peers. RIGHT (Though the most noticeable difference is in how they speak.)
-By doing the above, parenting will be easier, less stressful, and more fun. WRONG. Despite the success of most of my hypotheses, parenting in this way is not easy and is completely exhausting. And being so different from the mainstream is stressful.
-By doing the above, parenting will be easier, less stressful, and more fun if I live on a farm. RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT SOOOOOOO RIGHT
-By doing the above, parenting will be easier, less stressful, and more fun if I live in an office complex like the one I describe here: http://roslynross.blogspot.com/2013/01/my-ideal-unschool-community-here-and-now.html I WAS NOT ABLE TO TEST THIS ONE
OTHER THINGS I LEARNED
-Diet makes a big difference. When Anders has a lot of junk food, he can become quite emotional and obnoxious.
-Cavities that don't hurt don't (usually) don't need to be filled. Honest dentists do exist.
-Topical medications can cure impetigo if you are dedicated; internal antibiotics are not necessary despite the doctor dramatically insisting.
-Despite efforts to not prop Anders and other efforts to encourage core development, he still did not retain his ability to squat nor does he bend from the hips. I am currently unclear on why this is.
-Four-year-olds are competent to follow a complicated route to a store a mile away from home without help (if they have traveled it before).
-Four-year-olds are competent to purchase items on their own.
-Even the youngest of children are competent with sharp knives, provided they are supervised (at first) and taught proper chopping techniques.
-Homeschooled children can be quite advanced academically compared to their pre-schooled peers, despite spending very little time each day doing school work.
-I am also surprised by just how influential I am, how many instances Anders simply defers to whatever I think is best. It's hard to explain because Anders is a very opinionated and strong willed little guy, yet ... he's also very compromising and reasonable and easy to get along with.
THINGS I DON'T KNOW YET
-By eating a WAPF diet and having him take cod liver oil every day, I will have a child who has a broader palate than he would have had otherwise i.e. a child who does not need braces despite the fact that both his parents wore them. (This wont be entirely conclusive with Anders as I did not start eating the WAPF diet until right after he was born. WAPF says you have to eat their diet for two years prior to conceiving to have a child who does not need braces.)
*I am sure there will be a lot more surprises! I just don't know what they are yet...
-Children allowed to freely choose, will choose to bathe. MOSTLY RIGHT x3 (I do suggest they bathe. The idea doesn't occur to them on their own.)
-Children allowed to freely choose, will choose to wash their hair with shampoo. WRONG I still don't know how I feel about shampoo.
-Children allowed to freely choose will choose to clothe themselves around the age of 5. RIGHT x3
-By making him largely responsible for his own safe choices, my son will make safe choices. RIGHT x3
-If I use NVC with my son, his pretend games will have NVC. WRONG (Ish, he uses more non-NVC communication in his games than he does NVC, but he does use a little NVC.)
-If I am not violent and threatening, my son won't play games in which he uses threats and pretend violence. WRONG
-By focusing on creating a secure attachment, my child will not exhibit the nervousness, eye-twitches, and stuttering that are common at this age. RIGHT x3
-By teaching my son that his needs matter, and taking them seriously, I will have a child that does not whine--not because he is told not to whine, but because it would never occur to him to whine. RIGHT x3
-By treating my son with respect and empowering him to make his own choices, I will raise a child who is not obsessed with power (like dinosaurs, police, anything that represents being big and powerful to a child). WRONG (My conclusion here is that small, powerless people know they are small and powerless, even if you treat them otherwise.)
-If I raise my child in reality, my child will not get nightmares. INCONCLUSIVE Anders and Soren never got nightmares. Henrik is a sleep walker plagued by nightmares. Henrik has also gravitated towards fiction in a way that Anders and Soren never did.
-If I raise my child in reality (no night lights) and spend time with him looking at the stars, my child will not be afraid of the dark. RIGHT x3
-Because we don't watch other types of television, my son will enjoy documentaries. RIGHT x3
-If I homeschool my child, he will confidently converse with and make friends with people older and younger than he is, including teenagers and adults as well. RIGHT x3
-If I homeschool my child and we are television free, he will happily play with girls in addition to boys. RIGHT x3
-If I homeschool my child and we are television free, he will not care about the current popular toys or clothes. RIGHT x3
-By opting out of preschool and bringing my son to life with me, I will get along with him better, have more in common with him, and like him more than other parents with children the same age. RIGHT x3 (This is completely subjective of course.)
-By not entertaining Anders from the beginning, I will have a child that is able to entertain himself. RIGHT x3
-By never dropping Anders off anywhere against his will or hiring a babysitter and leaving him against his will, I will have a child who is not clingy, happy to go to camps and have babysitters, and who is an excellent judge of those caring for him. RIGHT x3
OVERALL
-It is not necessary to read to a child before he is three years old in order to have a child who loves to read and can read at a young age. RIGHT x2
-Raised with information and freedom, young children will choose to eat healthy foods in addition to unhealthy foods. RIGHT x3
-Raised to see their bodies as their responsibility young children will take good care of their bodies. WRONG Teeth-brushing and health eating must be strongly encouraged or required.
-Children can be exposed to reality (including death and violence shown documentaries) and it will not make them anxious if they have competent parents and a secure attachment. RIGHT x2
-Children raised in reality are focused on their futures from a young age. RIGHT x2
-If brought to life with their parents rather than put in a room with other people their age, young children will act more mature than their peers. RIGHT (Though the most noticeable difference is in how they speak.)
-By doing the above, parenting will be easier, less stressful, and more fun. WRONG. Despite the success of most of my hypotheses, parenting in this way is not easy and is completely exhausting. And being so different from the mainstream is stressful.
-By doing the above, parenting will be easier, less stressful, and more fun if I live on a farm. RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT SOOOOOOO RIGHT
-By doing the above, parenting will be easier, less stressful, and more fun if I live in an office complex like the one I describe here: http://roslynross.blogspot.com/2013/01/my-ideal-unschool-community-here-and-now.html I WAS NOT ABLE TO TEST THIS ONE
OTHER THINGS I LEARNED
-Diet makes a big difference. When Anders has a lot of junk food, he can become quite emotional and obnoxious.
-Cavities that don't hurt don't (usually) don't need to be filled. Honest dentists do exist.
-Topical medications can cure impetigo if you are dedicated; internal antibiotics are not necessary despite the doctor dramatically insisting.
-Despite efforts to not prop Anders and other efforts to encourage core development, he still did not retain his ability to squat nor does he bend from the hips. I am currently unclear on why this is.
-Four-year-olds are competent to follow a complicated route to a store a mile away from home without help (if they have traveled it before).
-Four-year-olds are competent to purchase items on their own.
-Even the youngest of children are competent with sharp knives, provided they are supervised (at first) and taught proper chopping techniques.
-Homeschooled children can be quite advanced academically compared to their pre-schooled peers, despite spending very little time each day doing school work.
-I am also surprised by just how influential I am, how many instances Anders simply defers to whatever I think is best. It's hard to explain because Anders is a very opinionated and strong willed little guy, yet ... he's also very compromising and reasonable and easy to get along with.
THINGS I DON'T KNOW YET
-By eating a WAPF diet and having him take cod liver oil every day, I will have a child who has a broader palate than he would have had otherwise i.e. a child who does not need braces despite the fact that both his parents wore them. (This wont be entirely conclusive with Anders as I did not start eating the WAPF diet until right after he was born. WAPF says you have to eat their diet for two years prior to conceiving to have a child who does not need braces.)
*I am sure there will be a lot more surprises! I just don't know what they are yet...
Monday, November 7, 2016
Anders's Homeschool Curriculum age 5
At 5
Reading
We stopped doing the 100 Easy Lessons program at lesson 90 (so close to the end!) because when we went to the Kumon center (for math) in June, Anders insisted on starting their reading program and doing two different reading programs proved to be more work than he wanted to do every day.
Though we don't do 100 Easy Lessons anymore, Anders still insists that it is his favorite program. I continue to be unimpressed by the Kumon reading program. Their math program is great, but their reading program is more interested in kids memorizing words than in kids learning to sound things out. And they also have a social agenda going on that I don't appreciate. But Anders wants to do it, so for now, that's what we are doing.
We have not had a lot of time to read before bed lately. Anders has so much he wants to do outside during the day that he races out in the morning and only comes in at dark, passing out in seconds. Despite this, we did recently finish Little Men, Escape the Rat Race: Learn How Money Works and Become a Rich Kid, and we are half way through Beowulf, which Anders really likes.
Note: I don't buy the dumbed-down, children's versions of classic books. A big reason I read classic literature to Anders is to expose him to vocabulary to which he wouldn't otherwise be exposed. The dumbed down versions of classic books, the "kids versions," don't add anything to Anders's vocabulary.
Moreover, the kids versions all sound the same. Reading different authors and time periods requires listening to very different voices and ways of communicating; it's like learning to speak different languages. Anders is at a crucial age in which he can absorb these voices and languages without resistance. With enough exposure, his brain will remain open to them and later he won't find books by Dickens or Shakespeare overly foreign or intimidating. (Or at least, that is my hypothesis.)
Math
On his most recent visit to the Kumon center, Anders worked for an hour and fifteen minutes without stopping, doing over 100 pages of work. He made it to level 3A in Kumon math. 3A is adding 1, 2, and 3. It is the hardest level for young kids and generally takes six months to a year to pass. (Kumon doesn't pass a kid to the next level until they are flawless and fast at their current level.)
I am a big fan of the Kumon math program, but also the Montessori math program (Kumon for the repetition and required excellence, Montessori for concretizing mathematical concepts). This is why I looked into Montessori summer programs and found one in Santa Barbara that Anders was excited to attended. He stayed after the camp for an hour three times a week for a private math lesson. He liked these lessons so much that he requested to do them every day! His Montessori teacher reported to me that when she got him he was very advanced in math, right on par with her students who are about a year ahead of public school students. By the end of her six weeks with him, she said he had done the entire upcoming school year and was now two years ahead of public school students.
In one hour, three times a week for six weeks, a kid can do the work of an entire school year. I think this is the most surprising thing to me about homeschooling: It takes so little time.
Anders's favorite games these days are: the Montessori Pythagorus Board, the Montessori Stamp Game, and Memory. But we have not been playing games all that much as Anders has been so busy working on the farm.
Anders's Work
What is Anders so busy doing on the farm all day? Well... it all started when the kids dug the hole for the fountain one week. I was so blown away by their work, that I offered them more work, but Anders declined. He didn't want to work on my projects anymore, he wanted to work on his own, he said.
Anders negotiated with me and Tom for land. Despite his initial attempt to use the argument, "You guys have so much land, and I don't have any, so it's fair," we eventually reached an agreement, and about 1/8 of an acre--from the jocote tree to his treehouse--was deemed his.
So, Anders and his friends (whom he was referring to as his workers) spent weeks digging holes underneath and around the tree house. Then off to the nursery they went and took three dozen plants. The gardener, German, went with them to make sure everything was planted properly and now near his tree house Anders has "a farm" that includes many flower plants, an aloe vera, and some young teak and mahogany trees.
Next Anders, German, and the local kids spent a few days digging a trench that extended from the jocote tree to Anders's tree house. They put rocks in their trench and Anders announced, "This is the fence to my property." For a while he had everyone asking permission before they set foot on his land. Several of the children tired of this game and stopped coming over every day.
When there was nothing more to plant, Anders and German worked hard cutting down shrubby guacimo trees to allow in enough light for the young rainforest trees they planted to flourish. Anders is now really good with a machete: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LEfDg40sxA&list=PLD5CYaUtWd6SjTovWryZtPz7pSTwdMj5K&index=206
I am not sure when Anders will tired of this game. For now, he says it is very important to get his current acre successful, so that he can have a second acre of land.
Social Skills
Anders continues to be confident, outgoing, authoritative, and bossy. He is often compassionate. He is a ridiculously good negotiator.
Anders is very interested in girls right now as he wants to find a partner/wife. He often makes art projects and saves them "to give to his partner" when he finds her.
Anders continued to lie about his age until about a month ago. He stopped telling people he was 13 or 19 around July as he found no one believed him. He started telling people he was 6. This confused a great many people. After September the excitement about his birthday took over, and he started telling people he would be 5 on October 20.
Anders values being a person who sticks to his deals, but he is currently not quite truly capable. Which is, developmentally speaking, totally fine. He has incredible perseverance to accomplish his goals--as long as they are intrinsically motivated.
Anders tells a lot of tall tales. Often they are benign lies that are things he wishes were true. "No it wasn't me that did that, it was Moises." I might say, "I think you wish that was the truth." Often he agrees that he wishes that were the truth. Other times he becomes offended and says he is not lying. Again, developmentally speaking, lying is not a big deal at this age. I want him to understand the concept of truth, but I don't want to make it a moral thing. I tell him truth is helpful, and truthful information enables us to make better decisions, but I don't make a big deal out of it. Though I never laugh, it is extremely difficult as his tall tales are immensely entertaining.
Anders's changing phone skills: When he was younger and he was done with a call, he would just hang up. Then, as he learned the social customs associated with telephones, he would interrupt whatever the person was saying, and say, "Bye!" and hang up. In the last year he began allowing people to finish their sentences before saying, "Okay bye!" and hanging up. Recently he has started waiting until they finish their sentence sand saying, "Well, I'm done talking now. Are you done?"
Eating
Anders's favorite food these days is jocote leaves. They taste like spinach, and the kids like to climb the tree and snack on them. I am having a hard time convincing them that they need to be washed first.
Anders commented to me the other day that the men who work at our farm chew with their mouths open. Though we read the book Manly Manners, it's not like I have ever told him to close his mouth while he eats (though, come to think of it, he does).
Personal Care
Anders showers every night before bed as always. He currently takes great care in washing his body, shampooing his hair, brushing his own teeth and water-picking. His motivation for this self-care evolution is that his future partner will want a man who is nice and clean.
Interests
Anders's main interest at the moment is dinosaurs, space, and airplanes.
He loves building with his legos. Currently he builds airplanes and methane factories.
He loves all arts and crafts projects, and especially loves my pens and markers. He does not like his much larger collection of Crayola markers, colored pencils, and crayons. He says my markers (sharpies, nice art markers, painting-pens) make much richer colors. He also prefers the thick, nice paper that I like to use to the standard printer paper that I buy him.
Anders has watched almost no documentaries lately. He is just too busy all day. Tom brought three new Families of the World DVD's from the library in LA for us to watch, and we had to really make time to watch them.
Notes
About six weeks ago, Anders got so busy with his farm project that he stopped doing his Kumon entirely for about ten days, after which we had a conversation something like this:
Me: Anders, I notice that you haven't done your Kumon work in over a week! Do you want to keep doing the program or should we stop doing it?
Anders: I want to do it, I just don't have time right now.
Me: That's fine. Maybe we can do it again later. It's just important for me to know because it costs money every month, and if you are not going to do it, I need to cancel it, so that we are not spending $260 a month on a program you are not doing.
Anders: No! Don't cancel it! I want to do it!
Me: You may want to do it, but you are not doing it. How about I wait until the end of the month to cancel it? If you start doing it again, I won't cancel it, but if you still aren't doing it, then I can cancel it. Is that good?
Anders: It's great! But I'm going to do it!
Me: Okay. (Totally non-committed, not having an opinion one way or the other.)
But the next day he did four days worth of pages (which I did not suggest, that was all him) and the following day he did two days worth of pages, and after that he has stuck to doing his daily pages.
Average day in Santa Barbara:
7am wake, dress, eat
730am walk to camp
8:00am camp
2:30pm math tutor
3:00pm swim in hotel pool, play
5:00pm dinner and Kumon
6:30pm get ready for bed, read
6:45pm I start reading, and by the end of the first page Anders is asleep.
Average day at the farm:
5:30am wake, get dressed, rush outside to work with German
7:00am breakfast
7:10am back to work with German
11:30am lunch, Anders runs to the dining room when the lunch bell is rung; we talk about what we are up to; he eats very fast and rushes back out
11:45am back to work with German
2:00pm swimming
3:00pm Legos
4:00pm dinner and Kumon
5:00pm get ready for bed
6:00pm Anders gets into bed with paper and a pen and plans his day for the next day
6:30pm I start reading and by the end of the first page Anders is asleep.
Reading
We stopped doing the 100 Easy Lessons program at lesson 90 (so close to the end!) because when we went to the Kumon center (for math) in June, Anders insisted on starting their reading program and doing two different reading programs proved to be more work than he wanted to do every day.
Though we don't do 100 Easy Lessons anymore, Anders still insists that it is his favorite program. I continue to be unimpressed by the Kumon reading program. Their math program is great, but their reading program is more interested in kids memorizing words than in kids learning to sound things out. And they also have a social agenda going on that I don't appreciate. But Anders wants to do it, so for now, that's what we are doing.
We have not had a lot of time to read before bed lately. Anders has so much he wants to do outside during the day that he races out in the morning and only comes in at dark, passing out in seconds. Despite this, we did recently finish Little Men, Escape the Rat Race: Learn How Money Works and Become a Rich Kid, and we are half way through Beowulf, which Anders really likes.
Note: I don't buy the dumbed-down, children's versions of classic books. A big reason I read classic literature to Anders is to expose him to vocabulary to which he wouldn't otherwise be exposed. The dumbed down versions of classic books, the "kids versions," don't add anything to Anders's vocabulary.
Moreover, the kids versions all sound the same. Reading different authors and time periods requires listening to very different voices and ways of communicating; it's like learning to speak different languages. Anders is at a crucial age in which he can absorb these voices and languages without resistance. With enough exposure, his brain will remain open to them and later he won't find books by Dickens or Shakespeare overly foreign or intimidating. (Or at least, that is my hypothesis.)
Math
On his most recent visit to the Kumon center, Anders worked for an hour and fifteen minutes without stopping, doing over 100 pages of work. He made it to level 3A in Kumon math. 3A is adding 1, 2, and 3. It is the hardest level for young kids and generally takes six months to a year to pass. (Kumon doesn't pass a kid to the next level until they are flawless and fast at their current level.)
I am a big fan of the Kumon math program, but also the Montessori math program (Kumon for the repetition and required excellence, Montessori for concretizing mathematical concepts). This is why I looked into Montessori summer programs and found one in Santa Barbara that Anders was excited to attended. He stayed after the camp for an hour three times a week for a private math lesson. He liked these lessons so much that he requested to do them every day! His Montessori teacher reported to me that when she got him he was very advanced in math, right on par with her students who are about a year ahead of public school students. By the end of her six weeks with him, she said he had done the entire upcoming school year and was now two years ahead of public school students.
In one hour, three times a week for six weeks, a kid can do the work of an entire school year. I think this is the most surprising thing to me about homeschooling: It takes so little time.
Anders's favorite games these days are: the Montessori Pythagorus Board, the Montessori Stamp Game, and Memory. But we have not been playing games all that much as Anders has been so busy working on the farm.
Anders's Work
What is Anders so busy doing on the farm all day? Well... it all started when the kids dug the hole for the fountain one week. I was so blown away by their work, that I offered them more work, but Anders declined. He didn't want to work on my projects anymore, he wanted to work on his own, he said.
Anders negotiated with me and Tom for land. Despite his initial attempt to use the argument, "You guys have so much land, and I don't have any, so it's fair," we eventually reached an agreement, and about 1/8 of an acre--from the jocote tree to his treehouse--was deemed his.
So, Anders and his friends (whom he was referring to as his workers) spent weeks digging holes underneath and around the tree house. Then off to the nursery they went and took three dozen plants. The gardener, German, went with them to make sure everything was planted properly and now near his tree house Anders has "a farm" that includes many flower plants, an aloe vera, and some young teak and mahogany trees.
Next Anders, German, and the local kids spent a few days digging a trench that extended from the jocote tree to Anders's tree house. They put rocks in their trench and Anders announced, "This is the fence to my property." For a while he had everyone asking permission before they set foot on his land. Several of the children tired of this game and stopped coming over every day.
When there was nothing more to plant, Anders and German worked hard cutting down shrubby guacimo trees to allow in enough light for the young rainforest trees they planted to flourish. Anders is now really good with a machete: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LEfDg40sxA&list=PLD5CYaUtWd6SjTovWryZtPz7pSTwdMj5K&index=206
I am not sure when Anders will tired of this game. For now, he says it is very important to get his current acre successful, so that he can have a second acre of land.
Social Skills
Anders continues to be confident, outgoing, authoritative, and bossy. He is often compassionate. He is a ridiculously good negotiator.
Anders is very interested in girls right now as he wants to find a partner/wife. He often makes art projects and saves them "to give to his partner" when he finds her.
Anders continued to lie about his age until about a month ago. He stopped telling people he was 13 or 19 around July as he found no one believed him. He started telling people he was 6. This confused a great many people. After September the excitement about his birthday took over, and he started telling people he would be 5 on October 20.
Anders values being a person who sticks to his deals, but he is currently not quite truly capable. Which is, developmentally speaking, totally fine. He has incredible perseverance to accomplish his goals--as long as they are intrinsically motivated.
Anders tells a lot of tall tales. Often they are benign lies that are things he wishes were true. "No it wasn't me that did that, it was Moises." I might say, "I think you wish that was the truth." Often he agrees that he wishes that were the truth. Other times he becomes offended and says he is not lying. Again, developmentally speaking, lying is not a big deal at this age. I want him to understand the concept of truth, but I don't want to make it a moral thing. I tell him truth is helpful, and truthful information enables us to make better decisions, but I don't make a big deal out of it. Though I never laugh, it is extremely difficult as his tall tales are immensely entertaining.
Anders's changing phone skills: When he was younger and he was done with a call, he would just hang up. Then, as he learned the social customs associated with telephones, he would interrupt whatever the person was saying, and say, "Bye!" and hang up. In the last year he began allowing people to finish their sentences before saying, "Okay bye!" and hanging up. Recently he has started waiting until they finish their sentence sand saying, "Well, I'm done talking now. Are you done?"
Eating
Anders's favorite food these days is jocote leaves. They taste like spinach, and the kids like to climb the tree and snack on them. I am having a hard time convincing them that they need to be washed first.
Anders commented to me the other day that the men who work at our farm chew with their mouths open. Though we read the book Manly Manners, it's not like I have ever told him to close his mouth while he eats (though, come to think of it, he does).
Personal Care
Anders showers every night before bed as always. He currently takes great care in washing his body, shampooing his hair, brushing his own teeth and water-picking. His motivation for this self-care evolution is that his future partner will want a man who is nice and clean.
Interests
Anders's main interest at the moment is dinosaurs, space, and airplanes.
He loves building with his legos. Currently he builds airplanes and methane factories.
He loves all arts and crafts projects, and especially loves my pens and markers. He does not like his much larger collection of Crayola markers, colored pencils, and crayons. He says my markers (sharpies, nice art markers, painting-pens) make much richer colors. He also prefers the thick, nice paper that I like to use to the standard printer paper that I buy him.
Anders has watched almost no documentaries lately. He is just too busy all day. Tom brought three new Families of the World DVD's from the library in LA for us to watch, and we had to really make time to watch them.
Notes
About six weeks ago, Anders got so busy with his farm project that he stopped doing his Kumon entirely for about ten days, after which we had a conversation something like this:
Me: Anders, I notice that you haven't done your Kumon work in over a week! Do you want to keep doing the program or should we stop doing it?
Anders: I want to do it, I just don't have time right now.
Me: That's fine. Maybe we can do it again later. It's just important for me to know because it costs money every month, and if you are not going to do it, I need to cancel it, so that we are not spending $260 a month on a program you are not doing.
Anders: No! Don't cancel it! I want to do it!
Me: You may want to do it, but you are not doing it. How about I wait until the end of the month to cancel it? If you start doing it again, I won't cancel it, but if you still aren't doing it, then I can cancel it. Is that good?
Anders: It's great! But I'm going to do it!
Me: Okay. (Totally non-committed, not having an opinion one way or the other.)
But the next day he did four days worth of pages (which I did not suggest, that was all him) and the following day he did two days worth of pages, and after that he has stuck to doing his daily pages.
Average day in Santa Barbara:
7am wake, dress, eat
730am walk to camp
8:00am camp
2:30pm math tutor
3:00pm swim in hotel pool, play
5:00pm dinner and Kumon
6:30pm get ready for bed, read
6:45pm I start reading, and by the end of the first page Anders is asleep.
Average day at the farm:
5:30am wake, get dressed, rush outside to work with German
7:00am breakfast
7:10am back to work with German
11:30am lunch, Anders runs to the dining room when the lunch bell is rung; we talk about what we are up to; he eats very fast and rushes back out
11:45am back to work with German
2:00pm swimming
3:00pm Legos
4:00pm dinner and Kumon
5:00pm get ready for bed
6:00pm Anders gets into bed with paper and a pen and plans his day for the next day
6:30pm I start reading and by the end of the first page Anders is asleep.
Anders's Homeschool Curriculum age 4 2/3
At 4 2/3
Reading
We stopped doing the Hooked on Phonics program (somewhere in the second half of first grade) and now we do solely the 100 Easy Lessons program. We have made it to lesson 80. Each lesson includes practicing a series of words and then reading a story that has those words in it. After lesson 70 or so, Anders started reading the story first. That way he would know which words he didn't know and needed to practice. Then we would go back and do the lesson, practicing just those words that he didn't know in the story and skipping the rest that he (rightly) found to be needless repetition. I continue to be impressed with his ability to direct his own learning and make whatever program we are doing work for him.
Though we no longer do any of the Hooked on Phonics lessons, Anders still likes to read the little books to himself.
In the last few months, we have read a lot of fairy tales. I am quite disturbed by them. Almost all of them seem to teach a "poor person" philosophy: Success in life is based on luck and magic; good people are people who do what they are told and never try to better their lives or are altruistic to a masochistic degree; good people are rewarded for their goodness by some benevolent, magical power. The only other path to success in life presented in Grimm's Complete Fairy Tales, is to be cunning, and trick other people out of their money. No one in these stories finds success in life because of consistent, dedicated hard work and moral behavior toward others.
I cannot recommend these stories for anyone's children.
A little research, of course, revealed that fairy tales ARE poor people stories! According to Ken Mondschein, Phd, who wrote the long introduction at the front of my 652 page Grimm's Complete Fairy Tales:
"Fairy tales are, after all, a form of folk tale. They were works of low culture – very unlike the stories of valiant knights and holy saints that the rich paid poets to compose in the Middle Ages.... For centuries, fairy tales were usually considered outside the bounds of refined taste. ... The Grimms intended their work to be the psychic bricks and mortar of a new Germany. This was a product of their time. ... The Grimms portrayed themselves as recording the authentic German spirit and culture, which they believed was not in the hands of the literary and sophisticated elites, but was instead unconsciously manifested through the words and deeds of the common people."
Despite my dislike of the values taught in fairy tales, they are part of our "cultural knowledge." References are made constantly to the them, especially in children's games, so knowing the stories is important. I would rather Anders's references to the fairy tales be the stories than the Disney movies based on the stories that teach the same terrible life philosophy but in a far more manipulative way.
So, I did decide to read the fairy tales to Anders, but with a lot of care and conversation, as if I were reading him statist propaganda. We talked about what values each story was selling, and what the hero would have done if he thought like a successful person.
After the fairy tales we read a book of Norse myths, which I liked a lot more. The gods in the Norse myths are very proactive at achieving their goals. I also enjoyed using the picture of Yggdrasil to start talking to Anders about how our brains work. (Yggdrasil is the best concretized picture of human consciousness I have come across.)
After the Norse myths we read a book of Greek myths that included a kids version of The Odyssey. It is insane to me that today an intellectual education includes having read The Odyssey. Like the fairy tales, this is not a work of high literature. This is the trashy super hero comic of its day. In ancient Greece, the intellectual class considered the Iliad and Odyssey stories for common people. Uncommon people read philosophy to their children.
Math
Anders is still very into his Kumon program. When we were in LA, he stopped by the Kumon center and took tests and did work for 45 minutes straight. He has made it to level 4A in the Kumon math program. This means he is still counting to 100, and not yet doing addition--though he can definitely add. We have a Montessori adding game that we play, and Anders can add 1, 2, and 3 to even big numbers pretty effortlessly. (Big numbers mean numbers like 55 or 117, numbers less than 120.)
Anders loves the games Go Fish, Monopoly Junior, and Set Junior. All of these I think help with math. He still shows very little interest in doing puzzles.
Social Skills
Anders continues to impress me with his social skills. At his spring break camps you would have had no idea that this kid was being homeschooled on a farm in the jungle. He made friends easily with everyone and shocked me with his ability to line up and follow orders.
He still has no problem playing with girls. He chooses his next reading book based on whether the plot sounds interesting, not the gender of the main character. This is interesting to me as four-year-old boys I was a nanny for would never have let me read them things like Anne of Green Gables or The Secret Garden.
According to his camp counselor, Anders introduced himself to the other campers as Tree Thomas Anders Ragnar Wolf Balto Garrett. He also told them he is 13 and from Europe.
One behavioral change I noticed after Anders attended camp for four weeks was that he began to constantly report, throughout the day, on whether he was a good boy or a bad boy and on whether I was a good mom or a bad mom.
Anders likes to walk into restaurants with which he is familiar all by himself. He tells me I can come in five minutes. He gets the table and asks for waters. Sometimes he even orders. Only then am I welcome to show up. He likes playing "ladies and gentleman" at the restaurant, and putting his napkin on his lap, but thinks ladies should pull out chairs for gentleman and not the other way around.
When Anders has a babysitter come he opens the door and tells the babysitter what the plan is for the day. He sees himself as the boss in that relationship. If he does not enjoy being with a babysitter, he tells me when I get home, and I never hire her again. Interestingly, though I always tell him he can call me if there are any issues, he never has. He just waits until I get home and tells me he didn't really like the sitter. When I asked him why he did this, he told me that he wanted me to have my time off.
The most common form of play in Nicaragua involves some scenario in which the kids run around shooting each other. If they ever pretend to shoot an adult, the adult generally pretends to die a very dramatic death. So before we went to the US for spring break, I warned him people in the US are obsessed with kids not pretending to shoot at them. He experimented with pretty much the first adult with whom he came into contact in the US. He pretended to shoot her; she got very upset. Having discovered that what I had warned him about was, in fact, true, Anders didn't attempt to shoot anyone again the entire time we were in LA. The minute we got back to Nicaragua he started shooting people right and left. I always thought the "consistency!" parenting myth was bunk, and now I am sure it is. Children are fully capable of learning all the different if-then situations adults are.
Another example of this: Anders knows if someone in the US pats his head or pinches his cheek, he can tell them not to touch him, and they will apologize immediately. He knows this does not work in Nicaragua and asking adults not to touch him will make them laugh and touch him more. Likewise, when you get hurt in LA, everyone comforts you. In Nicaragua if you get hurt, the other kids laugh at you.
Anders asked me why this was, and I explained that I am not sure, but I believe that the people we hang out with in Nicaragua (the workers on our farm and other farmers and their children) are lower class and the people we hang out with in LA are middle class and upper class. My understanding is that lower class people are toughened up. Pain is something you laugh at. Upper class kids are trained to be sensitive and empathetic. I always tell him it is good to know both ways, so when in Rome, you know what the custom is. Then I asked him what he wants the custom to be in his family, and he said that he likes to be comforted.
One final example of children's ability to compartmentalize correct social behaviors for varying situations is with "bad" words. I use the words: ass, shit, damnit, fuck, asshole, and jerk. And though I make an effort not to swear around people who are bothered by it, I don't give a damn the rest of the time because I don't really buy into the idea that some words are "bad." Anders knows these swear words, and though he rarely uses them, when he does, he uses the them correctly.
Before our recent trip to Los Angeles, I explained to Anders that some people think of certain words as "bad" and will get upset with him for using them. I told him what the bad words were and just like that he stopped using them for the entire trip to LA. Unlike the shooting example, he did not feel the need to test my veracity.
Because bad words are not "bad" to Anders, when he wants to say something really mean to someone, he calls them silly, or a silly bunny, or a foo foo. When he says these words, he has such a sneer on his face, it is clear he is trying to be mean. Insults are so much more about tone and the expression than the actual word!
One last note: "Ass" is frequently used in the book The Wind and the Willows and "cock" is used in all books before the 1900's. These are relatively new "bad" words.
Fantasy
Anders spends a lot of time pretending that he is writing a book.
He also plays with Legos a lot. One time I overhead him playing a game with his Legos in which bad guys knocked down fences and stole cows.
He never plays games in which he has magical powers or is a superhero. When he wants to pretend he is very powerful, he pretends he is very rich or "the government" or a really good fighter.
Eating
Anders continues to be very easy to feed. He went on a mustard kick for a while, putting mustard on everything at every meal for about two months. About once a week he requests "something junky" which is generally juice, chips, or cookies.
We continue to talk about nutrition and health whenever it comes up. Anders enjoys the story I tell him about his body fighting a war on his teeth and how eating sugar gives weapons to the bacteria trying to attack his teeth and make holes in them, whereas eating kefir arms the good bacteria and eating sardines and milk make his teeth stronger and harder to attack.
Personal Care Skills
There is no bath at the farm, so Anders showers. Sometimes he stays in the shower for thirty minutes, sometimes thirty seconds. Either way he showers every night before bed. Sometimes I ask him to shower (so that he smells good when we cuddle!) but everyone who says children raised without coercion won't bathe is just ... afraid of all the wrong things.
Interests
Anders became very interested in whales, dolphins, and orcas recently and has watched about six documentaries on them. He knows more about them than I do and uses words like "archeoplast" that I have to Google in order to understand what he is talking about.
He is also very interested in rich people and poor people, bosses and employees, Nicaraguans and Americans, farms and construction, and cars and advertising. Which is to say, he is interested in the world to which he has been exposed.
His favorite activity (in my opinion) is going through my stuff. He goes through item by item and wants to know what everything is for, and then he plays a game with it.
He loves to pretend to cook and makes a lot of "meals" out of things he picks from all over the farm.
He has completely taken over paying the workers. I hand him a stack of envelopes with eighteen different names written on them, and he takes it from there.
Anders still enjoys Ted Ed videos, especially those about the human body. He also likes animal and space documentaries, and any show about construction. His full moon fiction movies have included: Sleeping Beauty, Winnie-the-Pooh, Zootopia, Ratatouille, and Anne of Green Gables.
Other Notes
Anders knows all the days of the week, and in the right order. No idea how he learned this.
When he grows up, Anders plans to take over his father's company, Garrett Associates. He is quite firm in this. He was interested in being a writer like me, a fireman, and a rock scientist until he found out how much money his father made comparatively.
It fascinates me how he seems to design his own preschool program--painting, drawing, mazes, gluing, cutting, sculpting. He finds something interesting while going through my stuff (scissors!) and develops an obsession with them for a month or so. Recently it has been cutting and glueing. Before that it was painting and mazes. Before that it was sculpting things out of this clay-like mud he found. I never said, "Let's sculpt things out of clay!" or "Let's cut and paste!" He just finds these things and starts doing them.
Anders's Average day at the farm:
7:00am wake, cuddle, talk about our day, get dressed
7:30am have breakfast, say "hi" to workers, give instructions
8:00am-12:00pm Yesnir and Jesslyn come over; they all watch the workers and check out progress on the building. They build toys out of scrap wood, run around, swim, play in tree house, dig in the mud, sculpt things, pick something from a tree and eat it, crack coyol nuts
12:00pm lunch, Anders and I check in
12:30pm Anders heads back to playing with his friends, or perhaps he is bored with them and joins German for a few hours of chopping away the jungle or planting something. Anders has gotten quite skilled with a machete.
3:00pm the kids sit down and ask for their workbooks
4:00pm they swim
5:00pm we have dinner
5:30pm the kids play tag or hide and seek
6:00pm get ready for bed, read, cuddle, talk
8:00pm go to sleep
Anders's Average day attending camp in the city:
7:00am wake, rush through breakfast and dressing
7:30am leave the hotel, walk or drive to camp
8:00am-2:00pm Camp
2:00pm walk or drive home
2:30pm decompress with quiet, alone play
3:30pm do an errand, swim in hotel pool
4:30pm kumon
5:00pm dinner
6:00pm get ready for bed, read, cuddle, talk
8:00pm go to sleep
Reading
We stopped doing the Hooked on Phonics program (somewhere in the second half of first grade) and now we do solely the 100 Easy Lessons program. We have made it to lesson 80. Each lesson includes practicing a series of words and then reading a story that has those words in it. After lesson 70 or so, Anders started reading the story first. That way he would know which words he didn't know and needed to practice. Then we would go back and do the lesson, practicing just those words that he didn't know in the story and skipping the rest that he (rightly) found to be needless repetition. I continue to be impressed with his ability to direct his own learning and make whatever program we are doing work for him.
Though we no longer do any of the Hooked on Phonics lessons, Anders still likes to read the little books to himself.
In the last few months, we have read a lot of fairy tales. I am quite disturbed by them. Almost all of them seem to teach a "poor person" philosophy: Success in life is based on luck and magic; good people are people who do what they are told and never try to better their lives or are altruistic to a masochistic degree; good people are rewarded for their goodness by some benevolent, magical power. The only other path to success in life presented in Grimm's Complete Fairy Tales, is to be cunning, and trick other people out of their money. No one in these stories finds success in life because of consistent, dedicated hard work and moral behavior toward others.
I cannot recommend these stories for anyone's children.
A little research, of course, revealed that fairy tales ARE poor people stories! According to Ken Mondschein, Phd, who wrote the long introduction at the front of my 652 page Grimm's Complete Fairy Tales:
"Fairy tales are, after all, a form of folk tale. They were works of low culture – very unlike the stories of valiant knights and holy saints that the rich paid poets to compose in the Middle Ages.... For centuries, fairy tales were usually considered outside the bounds of refined taste. ... The Grimms intended their work to be the psychic bricks and mortar of a new Germany. This was a product of their time. ... The Grimms portrayed themselves as recording the authentic German spirit and culture, which they believed was not in the hands of the literary and sophisticated elites, but was instead unconsciously manifested through the words and deeds of the common people."
Despite my dislike of the values taught in fairy tales, they are part of our "cultural knowledge." References are made constantly to the them, especially in children's games, so knowing the stories is important. I would rather Anders's references to the fairy tales be the stories than the Disney movies based on the stories that teach the same terrible life philosophy but in a far more manipulative way.
So, I did decide to read the fairy tales to Anders, but with a lot of care and conversation, as if I were reading him statist propaganda. We talked about what values each story was selling, and what the hero would have done if he thought like a successful person.
After the fairy tales we read a book of Norse myths, which I liked a lot more. The gods in the Norse myths are very proactive at achieving their goals. I also enjoyed using the picture of Yggdrasil to start talking to Anders about how our brains work. (Yggdrasil is the best concretized picture of human consciousness I have come across.)
After the Norse myths we read a book of Greek myths that included a kids version of The Odyssey. It is insane to me that today an intellectual education includes having read The Odyssey. Like the fairy tales, this is not a work of high literature. This is the trashy super hero comic of its day. In ancient Greece, the intellectual class considered the Iliad and Odyssey stories for common people. Uncommon people read philosophy to their children.
Anders is still very into his Kumon program. When we were in LA, he stopped by the Kumon center and took tests and did work for 45 minutes straight. He has made it to level 4A in the Kumon math program. This means he is still counting to 100, and not yet doing addition--though he can definitely add. We have a Montessori adding game that we play, and Anders can add 1, 2, and 3 to even big numbers pretty effortlessly. (Big numbers mean numbers like 55 or 117, numbers less than 120.)
Anders loves the games Go Fish, Monopoly Junior, and Set Junior. All of these I think help with math. He still shows very little interest in doing puzzles.
Social Skills
Anders continues to impress me with his social skills. At his spring break camps you would have had no idea that this kid was being homeschooled on a farm in the jungle. He made friends easily with everyone and shocked me with his ability to line up and follow orders.
He still has no problem playing with girls. He chooses his next reading book based on whether the plot sounds interesting, not the gender of the main character. This is interesting to me as four-year-old boys I was a nanny for would never have let me read them things like Anne of Green Gables or The Secret Garden.
According to his camp counselor, Anders introduced himself to the other campers as Tree Thomas Anders Ragnar Wolf Balto Garrett. He also told them he is 13 and from Europe.
One behavioral change I noticed after Anders attended camp for four weeks was that he began to constantly report, throughout the day, on whether he was a good boy or a bad boy and on whether I was a good mom or a bad mom.
Anders likes to walk into restaurants with which he is familiar all by himself. He tells me I can come in five minutes. He gets the table and asks for waters. Sometimes he even orders. Only then am I welcome to show up. He likes playing "ladies and gentleman" at the restaurant, and putting his napkin on his lap, but thinks ladies should pull out chairs for gentleman and not the other way around.
When Anders has a babysitter come he opens the door and tells the babysitter what the plan is for the day. He sees himself as the boss in that relationship. If he does not enjoy being with a babysitter, he tells me when I get home, and I never hire her again. Interestingly, though I always tell him he can call me if there are any issues, he never has. He just waits until I get home and tells me he didn't really like the sitter. When I asked him why he did this, he told me that he wanted me to have my time off.
The most common form of play in Nicaragua involves some scenario in which the kids run around shooting each other. If they ever pretend to shoot an adult, the adult generally pretends to die a very dramatic death. So before we went to the US for spring break, I warned him people in the US are obsessed with kids not pretending to shoot at them. He experimented with pretty much the first adult with whom he came into contact in the US. He pretended to shoot her; she got very upset. Having discovered that what I had warned him about was, in fact, true, Anders didn't attempt to shoot anyone again the entire time we were in LA. The minute we got back to Nicaragua he started shooting people right and left. I always thought the "consistency!" parenting myth was bunk, and now I am sure it is. Children are fully capable of learning all the different if-then situations adults are.
Another example of this: Anders knows if someone in the US pats his head or pinches his cheek, he can tell them not to touch him, and they will apologize immediately. He knows this does not work in Nicaragua and asking adults not to touch him will make them laugh and touch him more. Likewise, when you get hurt in LA, everyone comforts you. In Nicaragua if you get hurt, the other kids laugh at you.
Anders asked me why this was, and I explained that I am not sure, but I believe that the people we hang out with in Nicaragua (the workers on our farm and other farmers and their children) are lower class and the people we hang out with in LA are middle class and upper class. My understanding is that lower class people are toughened up. Pain is something you laugh at. Upper class kids are trained to be sensitive and empathetic. I always tell him it is good to know both ways, so when in Rome, you know what the custom is. Then I asked him what he wants the custom to be in his family, and he said that he likes to be comforted.
One final example of children's ability to compartmentalize correct social behaviors for varying situations is with "bad" words. I use the words: ass, shit, damnit, fuck, asshole, and jerk. And though I make an effort not to swear around people who are bothered by it, I don't give a damn the rest of the time because I don't really buy into the idea that some words are "bad." Anders knows these swear words, and though he rarely uses them, when he does, he uses the them correctly.
Before our recent trip to Los Angeles, I explained to Anders that some people think of certain words as "bad" and will get upset with him for using them. I told him what the bad words were and just like that he stopped using them for the entire trip to LA. Unlike the shooting example, he did not feel the need to test my veracity.
Because bad words are not "bad" to Anders, when he wants to say something really mean to someone, he calls them silly, or a silly bunny, or a foo foo. When he says these words, he has such a sneer on his face, it is clear he is trying to be mean. Insults are so much more about tone and the expression than the actual word!
One last note: "Ass" is frequently used in the book The Wind and the Willows and "cock" is used in all books before the 1900's. These are relatively new "bad" words.
Fantasy
Anders spends a lot of time pretending that he is writing a book.
He also plays with Legos a lot. One time I overhead him playing a game with his Legos in which bad guys knocked down fences and stole cows.
He never plays games in which he has magical powers or is a superhero. When he wants to pretend he is very powerful, he pretends he is very rich or "the government" or a really good fighter.
Eating
Anders continues to be very easy to feed. He went on a mustard kick for a while, putting mustard on everything at every meal for about two months. About once a week he requests "something junky" which is generally juice, chips, or cookies.
We continue to talk about nutrition and health whenever it comes up. Anders enjoys the story I tell him about his body fighting a war on his teeth and how eating sugar gives weapons to the bacteria trying to attack his teeth and make holes in them, whereas eating kefir arms the good bacteria and eating sardines and milk make his teeth stronger and harder to attack.
Personal Care Skills
There is no bath at the farm, so Anders showers. Sometimes he stays in the shower for thirty minutes, sometimes thirty seconds. Either way he showers every night before bed. Sometimes I ask him to shower (so that he smells good when we cuddle!) but everyone who says children raised without coercion won't bathe is just ... afraid of all the wrong things.
Interests
Anders became very interested in whales, dolphins, and orcas recently and has watched about six documentaries on them. He knows more about them than I do and uses words like "archeoplast" that I have to Google in order to understand what he is talking about.
He is also very interested in rich people and poor people, bosses and employees, Nicaraguans and Americans, farms and construction, and cars and advertising. Which is to say, he is interested in the world to which he has been exposed.
His favorite activity (in my opinion) is going through my stuff. He goes through item by item and wants to know what everything is for, and then he plays a game with it.
He loves to pretend to cook and makes a lot of "meals" out of things he picks from all over the farm.
He has completely taken over paying the workers. I hand him a stack of envelopes with eighteen different names written on them, and he takes it from there.
Anders still enjoys Ted Ed videos, especially those about the human body. He also likes animal and space documentaries, and any show about construction. His full moon fiction movies have included: Sleeping Beauty, Winnie-the-Pooh, Zootopia, Ratatouille, and Anne of Green Gables.
Other Notes
Anders knows all the days of the week, and in the right order. No idea how he learned this.
When he grows up, Anders plans to take over his father's company, Garrett Associates. He is quite firm in this. He was interested in being a writer like me, a fireman, and a rock scientist until he found out how much money his father made comparatively.
It fascinates me how he seems to design his own preschool program--painting, drawing, mazes, gluing, cutting, sculpting. He finds something interesting while going through my stuff (scissors!) and develops an obsession with them for a month or so. Recently it has been cutting and glueing. Before that it was painting and mazes. Before that it was sculpting things out of this clay-like mud he found. I never said, "Let's sculpt things out of clay!" or "Let's cut and paste!" He just finds these things and starts doing them.
Anders's Average day at the farm:
7:00am wake, cuddle, talk about our day, get dressed
7:30am have breakfast, say "hi" to workers, give instructions
8:00am-12:00pm Yesnir and Jesslyn come over; they all watch the workers and check out progress on the building. They build toys out of scrap wood, run around, swim, play in tree house, dig in the mud, sculpt things, pick something from a tree and eat it, crack coyol nuts
12:00pm lunch, Anders and I check in
12:30pm Anders heads back to playing with his friends, or perhaps he is bored with them and joins German for a few hours of chopping away the jungle or planting something. Anders has gotten quite skilled with a machete.
3:00pm the kids sit down and ask for their workbooks
4:00pm they swim
5:00pm we have dinner
5:30pm the kids play tag or hide and seek
6:00pm get ready for bed, read, cuddle, talk
8:00pm go to sleep
Anders's Average day attending camp in the city:
7:00am wake, rush through breakfast and dressing
7:30am leave the hotel, walk or drive to camp
8:00am-2:00pm Camp
2:00pm walk or drive home
2:30pm decompress with quiet, alone play
3:30pm do an errand, swim in hotel pool
4:30pm kumon
5:00pm dinner
6:00pm get ready for bed, read, cuddle, talk
8:00pm go to sleep
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