Things I Got Right and Wrong: The First Five Years

Before I had Anders, I had worked with kids for over a decade and had read hundreds of books on raising children. I had developed many hypotheses that I didn't get to fully put into practice until I had my own family. (And perhaps, if you have read the same books I have read, you have similar expectations.)

Here are the things I got wrong and right in my little n=1 study.

As Henrik grows I will update this list. If it says x2 it means I had the same results the second time around as well.

PREGNANCY

-By eating a high fat, med protein, low sugar diet I won't get morning sickness: RIGHT x3. (But pregnancy was still horrible.)

-By having my baby at home, where my subconscious brain feels safe, I will have a complication-free birth: RIGHT x3

-By having my baby at home, I will have a peaceful birth: WRONG. Birth is horrific (in my opinion). It doesn't matter where you do it.

-A water birth will make birth suck a little less: WRONG. Birth is horrific on land or in water. 

-By having my baby at home, and by studying birth psychology (hynobirthing, reading Baby Catcher), I will have a fast birth: RIGHT (3.5 hours for Anders, 6 hours for Henrik (water slowed it down), 30 minutes from start to finish for Soren (walking sped it up)

BABY

-By not using artificial light in the first two weeks, I will have a newborn that effortlessly learns night and day. RIGHT x3

-By eating a WAPF + bland/nursing friendly diet I will have a baby that does not spit up. RIGHTx3

-By eating a WAPF diet and breastfeeding for two years, I will have a baby that never gets cradle cap, eye infections, or other illnesses. RIGHTx3

-I don't need to hire a lactation consultant as breast feeding is natural and easy. WRONG (I had actually always planned on having a lactation consultant as everything I had read told me that if I wanted to be successful at breastfeeding, that was the way to go, but then my mother put in her two cents and, well, I took her advice. Terrible mistake. Anders didn't get enough food for his first week. With Henrik I had a lactation consultant come to make sure we were doing it right. We weren't. I was trying to do lay-down nursing before Henrik was developmentally ready. With Soren I did not need one.)

-By following Dr. Mendelsohn's advice in How to Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of Your Doctor, I will avoid needless (all) trips to the doctor and the emergency room. RIGHT (after his well-baby, Anders went to the doctor only twice before he was five, once to retrieve something he put up his nose and once for diagnosis of impetigo rash. Henrik went to the doctor once for a bad cold he had at nine months. Soren has never been.)

-By following Baby-Led Weaning I will have a baby that does not choke on food. RIGHTx3 (Though ... most babies don't choke on food so....) 

-By putting my baby in cloth diapers, I will have a baby that never gets diaper rash. RIGHT, however, I used disposable diapers for Henrik and Soren. Henrik got a diaper rash once while we were traveling and I used an unnatural brand. Soren never had diaper rash.

-By following RIE techniques I will have a self-confident baby. RIGHTx3

-By following RIE techniques my baby will develop good communication and cooperation skills at a very young age. RIGHTx3

-By not buying entertaining toys (only passive toys) my baby will be able to entertain himself for long periods of time. RIGHTx3

-I don't need to be "consistent;" babies are smart enough to understand that we do things this way one time and that way the next time. Explaining these things to babies makes them better decision makers. RIGHTx3 *Now that I have three kids, I find routines and consistency to be life-savers in terms of the chaos of parenting.

TODDLER

-By feeding my child whatever I am eating, I will have a child with an expansive palate, who enjoys flavorful food, including fish, sushi, and spicy foods. INCONCLUSIVE All three of my kids are annoyingly picky. But all three also love things other kids don't. Anders and Henrik love liver. Soren won't eat it. Henrik and Soren love caviar. Anders doesn't. All three eat fish. Only Anders eats shellfish. All three love sushi. Anders loves spicy food. All three hate (most) Nicaraguan food. 

-By never having an opinion about whether or what my son eats when meals are presented to him, I will raise a "good eater." WRONG (Soren is a good eater. The other two don't eat enough in my opinion.)

-By raising my son with RIE techniques he will be a safe climber and never get a hard hit to his head or break a bone. RIGHTx3 (Due to failing to follow RIE techniques for a while when Henrik was young, he actually became super dangerous from 10-12 months before I realized what we were doing wrong.)

-By raising my child in reality--and therefore never giving him floaties or help that will give him an artificial relationship with the water--he will teach himself to swim at a young age, and be safe around pools and other bodies of water RIGHTx2 (this means I sat in a chair near the pool while he crawled over and explored the water, not that I let him play near the pool while I went and made dinner. I spent a lot of time on the steps with my toddlers. They did get overexcited and throw themselves into the water once or twice, but I let them go under for just a second before fishing them out and they don't do that again. By 18 months they have been safe around pools. Both Anders and Henrik taught themselves to swim at 3.

-By inviting my son into the bathroom with me, discussing what is interesting about poop and pee, and allowing my son to spend time naked, I will have a child that is a) not afraid of toilets b) not afraid of pooping c) potty trains himself with ease. RIGHTx3 (At the age of 18 months Henrik started showing interest in using the toilet. I bought him a little toddler potty and five minutes after I set it down in the bathroom and took off his clothes he pooped in it. However, a child cannot be potty independent until they can pull their own pants down and back up. This happens around 2 1/2 to 3, so I make zero effort to do any real potty training before then, as in, it's all just for fun until then. But once they are ready, I have been blown away three times by how easy and relaxed it has been.)

-There is no super-defiant "no" phase for respectfully raise children. RIGHTx3 

-Because I don't chase after him or control him, because it is "our" goal to not lose one another, I will have a toddler that never runs away in stores or parks or other places. RIGHTx3

-By giving him information about safety around cars but not being controlling about it, my toddler will make safe choices in parking lots and around cars. RIGHTx3 

-If I use NVC, the woods good and bad will never be necessary. WRONG (concepts exist because we experience them, not because the words create them. It's important to be cognizant of what we are trying to express, but good and bad are fine, useful concepts.)

-If I create a respectful relationship with my son, he will give to me when I ask, for example, we will not struggle over him getting into his carseat. RIGHTx3 (Anders was forced into his carseat against his will only once in his life. Neither Henrik nor Soren have ever been forced into their carseats. *I think another key to my success in this area is giving the kids ample time to play in the car.

-By raising my child respectfully, he will not throw tantrums. RIGHTx3

-By never hitting my son, I will have a child that never hits. WRONG

-By focusing on creating a secure attachment and respecting his needs, I will have a child who never protests when I drop him off somewhere or have a sitter come. RIGHTx3 (I never once dropped either of my babies off and let them cry, or hired a baby sitter and let him cry. It it always their choice ... and yet they always choose to give me time off if I ask for it.)

-By inviting my son to life with me, I will have a child quite advanced for his age in the study of real life. RIGHTx3 (Note this is where RIE and I part ways. RIE does not invite children to life with their parent, but rather puts them into daycare.) Note what Anders could do when he was two: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uenJsBFd5wU.

PRESCHOOL

-By eating a WAPF diet, we won't get colds. WRONG. (Though none of them have been serious.  None my kids have ever been on antibiotics.)

-By eating gourmet, adult food from a young age, I will have a child that does not like the classic kid foods like pasta, pizza, hot dogs, and french fries. WRONG 

-By eating adult food from a young age and having absolute authority about what goes in and what does not go in to his mouth, I will have a child who is an "adventurous eater," willing to try new things. RIGHT MOSTLY (If Soren is full he will not taste the desert.)

-Children allowed to freely choose will choose to wipe their noses. WRONG I am fully onboard with coercive nose-wiping now.

-Children allowed to freely choose, will choose to bathe. MOSTLY RIGHT x3 (I do suggest they bathe. The idea doesn't occur to them on their own.)

-Children allowed to freely choose, will choose to wash their hair with shampoo. WRONG I still don't know how I feel about shampoo.

-Children allowed to freely choose will choose to clothe themselves around the age of 5. RIGHT x3

-By making him largely responsible for his own safe choices, my son will make safe choices. RIGHT x3

-If I use NVC with my son, his pretend games will have NVC. WRONG (Ish, he uses more non-NVC communication in his games than he does NVC, but he does use a little NVC.)

-If I am not violent and threatening, my son won't play games in which he uses threats and pretend violence. WRONG

-By focusing on creating a secure attachment, my child will not exhibit the nervousness, eye-twitches, and stuttering that are common at this age. RIGHT x3

-By teaching my son that his needs matter, and taking them seriously, I will have a child that does not whine--not because he is told not to whine, but because it would never occur to him to whine. RIGHT x3

-By treating my son with respect and empowering him to make his own choices, I will raise a child who is not obsessed with power (like dinosaurs, police, anything that represents being big and powerful to a child). WRONG (My conclusion here is that small, powerless people know they are small and powerless, even if you treat them otherwise.)

-If I raise my child in reality, my child will not get nightmares. INCONCLUSIVE Anders and Soren never got nightmares. Henrik is a sleep walker plagued by nightmares. Henrik has also gravitated towards fiction in a way that Anders and Soren never did.

-If I raise my child in reality (no night lights) and spend time with him looking at the stars, my child will not be afraid of the dark. RIGHT x3

-Because we don't watch other types of television, my son will enjoy documentaries. RIGHT x3

-If I homeschool my child, he will confidently converse with and make friends with people older and younger than he is, including teenagers and adults as well. RIGHT x3

-If I homeschool my child and we are television free, he will happily play with girls in addition to boys. RIGHT x3

-If I homeschool my child and we are television free, he will not care about the current popular toys or clothes. RIGHT x3

-By opting out of preschool and bringing my son to life with me, I will get along with him better, have more in common with him, and like him more than other parents with children the same age. RIGHT x3 (This is completely subjective of course.) 

-By not entertaining Anders from the beginning, I will have a child that is able to entertain himself. RIGHT x3 

-By never dropping Anders off anywhere against his will or hiring a babysitter and leaving him against his will, I will have a child who is not clingy, happy to go to camps and have babysitters, and who is an excellent judge of those caring for him. RIGHT x3 

OVERALL

-It is not necessary to read to a child before he is three years old in order to have a child who loves to read and can read at a young age. RIGHT x2

-Raised with information and freedom, young children will choose to eat healthy foods in addition to unhealthy foods. RIGHT x3

-Raised to see their bodies as their responsibility young children will take good care of their bodies. WRONG Teeth-brushing and health eating must be strongly encouraged or required.

-Children can be exposed to reality (including death and violence shown documentaries) and it will not make them anxious if they have competent parents and a secure attachment. RIGHT x2

-Children raised in reality are focused on their futures from a young age. RIGHT x2

-If brought to life with their parents rather than put in a room with other people their age, young children will act more mature than their peers. RIGHT (Though the most noticeable difference is in how they speak.)

-By doing the above, parenting will be easier, less stressful, and more fun. WRONG. Despite the success of most of my hypotheses, parenting in this way is not easy and is completely exhausting. And being so different from the mainstream is stressful.

-By doing the above, parenting will be easier, less stressful, and more fun if I live on a farm. RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT SOOOOOOO RIGHT

-By doing the above, parenting will be easier, less stressful, and more fun if I live in an office complex like the one I describe here: http://roslynross.blogspot.com/2013/01/my-ideal-unschool-community-here-and-now.html I WAS NOT ABLE TO TEST THIS ONE

OTHER THINGS I LEARNED

-Diet makes a big difference. When Anders has a lot of junk food, he can become quite emotional and obnoxious.

-Cavities that don't hurt don't (usually) don't need to be filled. Honest dentists do exist.

-Topical medications can cure impetigo if you are dedicated; internal antibiotics are not necessary despite the doctor dramatically insisting.

-Despite efforts to not prop Anders and other efforts to encourage core development, he still did not retain his ability to squat nor does he bend from the hips. I am currently unclear on why this is.

-Four-year-olds are competent to follow a complicated route to a store a mile away from home without help (if they have traveled it before).

-Four-year-olds are competent to purchase items on their own.

-Even the youngest of children are competent with sharp knives, provided they are supervised (at first) and taught proper chopping techniques.

-Homeschooled children can be quite advanced academically compared to their pre-schooled peers, despite spending very little time each day doing school work.

-I am also surprised by just how influential I am, how many instances Anders simply defers to whatever I think is best. It's hard to explain because Anders is a very opinionated and strong willed little guy, yet ... he's also very compromising and reasonable and easy to get along with.


THINGS I DON'T KNOW YET

-By eating a WAPF diet and having him take cod liver oil every day, I will have a child who has a broader palate than he would have had otherwise i.e. a child who does not need braces despite the fact that both his parents wore them. (This wont be entirely conclusive with Anders as I did not start eating the WAPF diet until right after he was born. WAPF says you have to eat their diet for two years prior to conceiving to have a child who does not need braces.)

*I am sure there will be a lot more surprises! I just don't know what they are yet...