My Favorite Things + Children's Clothing Buying Guide

For those of you who need them, here are some gift ideas - my very favorite things (I update this list whenever I find a really amazing product):


KIDS CLOTHES

Robeez Fisherman Shoes for Babies and Young Toddlers

Soft soles and beautiful!

Splay Kids Shoes for Older Toddlers and Kids

Shoes that don't harm developing feet and look good too

Hanna Anderson Moccasins for kids 2-4
Slippers that don't harm developing feet

Vivo Barefoot Shoes for kids over 5

Shoes that don't harm developing feet - the downside is they are kind of ugly

Dress Up Shoes for Boys

Geox Fast Boy 1 Moccasin

Rain Boots
Western Chief Firechief 2 Rain Pull-On Boot

City Threads Boys' and Girls' 100% Pants in Super Soft Cotton Jersey
Children should never wear clothing that would hinder their body's natural movement. Many of today's jeans prevent proper bending and sitting and encourage slouching! For 

Primary.com Jogger Pants for Boys and Girls

Primary has many other pants similar to the City Thread's one as well.

Primary.com Basic TShirts and Dresses

Sunday Afternoon Kids Sun Hat

EDUCATION

All the things I write about on this blog!

World History Time Line
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0721712002/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o05_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Evolution and Classification of Life Poster
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0987893653/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Art Classes
Because beauty is objective
http://www.fineartclasses.com

Movies
Nourishing Our Children
Our Daily Bread
The Future of Food
The Business of Being Born
Terry Jones documentaries
Babies (the documentary)
March of the Penguins
More Than Honey

BOOKS

Everything on my top 9 reading recommendations list
http://roslynross.blogspot.com/p/reading-recommendations.html

and all the five star books on my bibliography page
http://roslynross.blogspot.com/2016/03/my-bibliography-by-author-2010-2015.html

All the Books in Red on this List
http://roslynross.blogspot.com/2016/03/anderss-bibliography-reading.html

BODY

The Wedge that has helped to change how my body bends
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004A2EJPQ/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
and the book
https://www.amazon.com/Put-Your-Back-Ease-posture/dp/0615856365/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1480380215&sr=8-1&keywords=back+with+ease

Vivo Barefoot Shoes
I still love Vibram five fingers, but I like these better because they are easier to put on and I get to wear socks.

MSM Shampoo and Conditioner
Over the last five years I have switched natural shampoo and conditioner pretty much every other month, going through many brands searching for one that would meet my needs to soft, shiny, hair and toxin free ingredients. This is the first one I have tried that I would recommend to other people.

LoveStock Tallow Balm
We are animals, not plants. Why would we rub plant oils on our bodies when we need moisturizer? Best lotion/chapstick I have ever used, no contest.
http://www.radiantlifecatalog.com/product/lovestock-tallow-buzz/personal-care

BEAUTY

Blinc Mascara I tried over a dozen mascaras looking for one that would not leave shadows under my eyes. This is the only one I have ever found that does not.

The Wet Brush
A post-shower revolution!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00821ZHMK?keywords=the%20wet%20brush&qid=1448059680&ref_=sr_1_5&sr=8-5

Fashion Academy Personal Colour Consultant 
A handy little book about the size of a checkbook that has your best colors in it. (Beauty is objective. There are colors that maximize your attractiveness potential and colors that kill your attractiveness potential. The more attractive you are, the more likely you are to get what you want in any situation therefore maximizing your attractiveness potential is not a superficial thing to attend to!) I have one of these books for me, my husband, and my son. I keep them in my purse when I go clothes shopping.
Carolyn did our colors in seconds using pictures of us on Facebook. I sent her a check in the mail, and she mailed me our booklets.
clbendall@rittermail.com and send her a check
http://www.fashionacademy.biz/consultants-corner.html

Seven Dry Shampoo
I have tried a dozen dry shampoos at this point, trying to find one that doesn't leave my hair white and my scalp itchy. Seven's Dry Shampoo is expensive, but it is so much better than all the others I have tried it's in a league all by itself. 



KITCHEN

Williams-Sonoma Veggie Chopper
The kitchen tool I use more than any other, chop onions without killing your eyes!
http://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/vegetable-chop-and-measure/

Williams-Sonoma Nutmeg Grinder
Easy fresh-ground nutmeg
http://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/nutmeg-grinder/?pkey=e%7Cnutmeg%2Bgrinder%7C134%7Cbest%7C0%7C1%7C24%7C%7C1&cm_src=PRODUCTSEARCH

Pure Beeswax Candles
http://www.amazon.com/Bluecorn-Naturals-100%25-Beeswax-Lights/dp/B009ISANFW/ref=sr_1_2?s=furniture&ie=UTF8&qid=1447878137&sr=1-2&keywords=beeswax+candles

Ember Coffee Mug

Please don't drink coffee. It is so bad for you. But if you are going to drink it, this mug will make you really really really happy.



FOODS

Navarro Vineyards Pinot Noir Grape Juice

We drink this on full moons and make toasts to what we have achieved over the month.

Roederer Estate Rose Sparkling Wine and especially their L'Hermitage Rose
Sparkling wine does not get better than this!

Honey Patties

For stockings!
http://www.amazon.com/Heavenly-Organics-Honey-Patties-Chocolate/dp/B00C0YG65C/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1447877669&sr=8-1&keywords=honey+patties

Maple Candy

for stockings!
http://www.amazon.com/Mansfield-Vermont-Maple-Candies-Certified/dp/B003XXK0GK/ref=sr_1_1?s=grocery&ie=UTF8&qid=1447877697&sr=1-1&keywords=maple+candy

The Apple Farm's French Plum Chutney

I eat this with lamb. 

SeaSnax Organic Roasted Seaweed Snack Grab and Go, Toasty Onion

One Degree Organic Foods Organic Sprouted Spelt Flour

Any of the classes offered at Culture Club 101

Any of the classes offered at North House Folk School



BEDROOM

The Sunrise Alarm Clock
I loved this thing back in the days when I woke up by non-child alarm clock and lived in a city where I was deprived of the darkness and light that regulates my sleeping at our farm in Nicaragua.
http://www.amazon.com/BioBrite-Pearl-SunRise-Alarm-Sounds/dp/B00656Z4IG/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1447877278&sr=8-5&keywords=sunrise+alarm+clock



ADULT CLOTHES

Women's Pajamas
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00Y6R8R1M/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o08_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1




MOVIES

Idiocracy (We watch this every year on the 4th of July)

The Matrix

Into the Wild (Happiness is only real when shared)

The Incredibles

The Iron Giant

The Lego Movie

The Back to the Future Movies (teaches kids to not worry about being called a chicken!)

GAMES

Quelf
http://www.amazon.com/Spin-Master-Games-6024376-Quelf/dp/B00L85RJO6/ref=sr_1_1?s=grocery&ie=UTF8&qid=1447878024&sr=8-1&keywords=quelf

Ticket to Ride

Stock Exchange

Taboo

Scattegories

Cards Against Humanity

Poker

Memory 

ANYTHING THEY SELL AT

RadiantLifeCatalogue.com

AbundantEarth.com: I have never found any other company to be as knowledgable as these two about things like air and water purifiers, mattresses, and other home goods. A person answers the phone and will tell you the whys on all of their products. I highly value customer service like theirs!

TShirtHell.com (for those of you with a politically incorrect sense of humor)

Things I Got Right and Wrong: The First Five Years

Before I had Anders, I had worked with kids for over a decade and had read hundreds of books on raising children. I had developed many hypotheses that I didn't get to fully put into practice until I had my own family. (And perhaps, if you have read the same books I have read, you have similar expectations.)

Here are the things I got wrong and right in my little n=1 study.

As Henrik grows I will update this list. If it says x2 it means I had the same results the second time around as well.

PREGNANCY

-By eating a high fat, med protein, low sugar diet I won't get morning sickness: RIGHT x3. (But pregnancy was still horrible.)

-By having my baby at home, where my subconscious brain feels safe, I will have a complication-free birth: RIGHT x3

-By having my baby at home, I will have a peaceful birth: WRONG. Birth is horrific (in my opinion). It doesn't matter where you do it.

-A water birth will make birth suck a little less: WRONG. Birth is horrific on land or in water. 

-By having my baby at home, and by studying birth psychology (hynobirthing, reading Baby Catcher), I will have a fast birth: RIGHT (3.5 hours for Anders, 6 hours for Henrik (water slowed it down), 30 minutes from start to finish for Soren (walking sped it up)

BABY

-By not using artificial light in the first two weeks, I will have a newborn that effortlessly learns night and day. RIGHT x3

-By eating a WAPF + bland/nursing friendly diet I will have a baby that does not spit up. RIGHTx3

-By eating a WAPF diet and breastfeeding for two years, I will have a baby that never gets cradle cap, eye infections, or other illnesses. RIGHTx3

-I don't need to hire a lactation consultant as breast feeding is natural and easy. WRONG (I had actually always planned on having a lactation consultant as everything I had read told me that if I wanted to be successful at breastfeeding, that was the way to go, but then my mother put in her two cents and, well, I took her advice. Terrible mistake. Anders didn't get enough food for his first week. With Henrik I had a lactation consultant come to make sure we were doing it right. We weren't. I was trying to do lay-down nursing before Henrik was developmentally ready. With Soren I did not need one.)

-By following Dr. Mendelsohn's advice in How to Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of Your Doctor, I will avoid needless (all) trips to the doctor and the emergency room. RIGHT (after his well-baby, Anders went to the doctor only twice before he was five, once to retrieve something he put up his nose and once for diagnosis of impetigo rash. Henrik went to the doctor once for a bad cold he had at nine months. Soren has never been.)

-By following Baby-Led Weaning I will have a baby that does not choke on food. RIGHTx3 (Though ... most babies don't choke on food so....) 

-By putting my baby in cloth diapers, I will have a baby that never gets diaper rash. RIGHT, however, I used disposable diapers for Henrik and Soren. Henrik got a diaper rash once while we were traveling and I used an unnatural brand. Soren never had diaper rash.

-By following RIE techniques I will have a self-confident baby. RIGHTx3

-By following RIE techniques my baby will develop good communication and cooperation skills at a very young age. RIGHTx3

-By not buying entertaining toys (only passive toys) my baby will be able to entertain himself for long periods of time. RIGHTx3

-I don't need to be "consistent;" babies are smart enough to understand that we do things this way one time and that way the next time. Explaining these things to babies makes them better decision makers. RIGHTx3 *Now that I have three kids, I find routines and consistency to be life-savers in terms of the chaos of parenting.

TODDLER

-By feeding my child whatever I am eating, I will have a child with an expansive palate, who enjoys flavorful food, including fish, sushi, and spicy foods. INCONCLUSIVE All three of my kids are annoyingly picky. But all three also love things other kids don't. Anders and Henrik love liver. Soren won't eat it. Henrik and Soren love caviar. Anders doesn't. All three eat fish. Only Anders eats shellfish. All three love sushi. Anders loves spicy food. All three hate (most) Nicaraguan food. 

-By never having an opinion about whether or what my son eats when meals are presented to him, I will raise a "good eater." WRONG (Soren is a good eater. The other two don't eat enough in my opinion.)

-By raising my son with RIE techniques he will be a safe climber and never get a hard hit to his head or break a bone. RIGHTx3 (Due to failing to follow RIE techniques for a while when Henrik was young, he actually became super dangerous from 10-12 months before I realized what we were doing wrong.)

-By raising my child in reality--and therefore never giving him floaties or help that will give him an artificial relationship with the water--he will teach himself to swim at a young age, and be safe around pools and other bodies of water RIGHTx2 (this means I sat in a chair near the pool while he crawled over and explored the water, not that I let him play near the pool while I went and made dinner. I spent a lot of time on the steps with my toddlers. They did get overexcited and throw themselves into the water once or twice, but I let them go under for just a second before fishing them out and they don't do that again. By 18 months they have been safe around pools. Both Anders and Henrik taught themselves to swim at 3.

-By inviting my son into the bathroom with me, discussing what is interesting about poop and pee, and allowing my son to spend time naked, I will have a child that is a) not afraid of toilets b) not afraid of pooping c) potty trains himself with ease. RIGHTx3 (At the age of 18 months Henrik started showing interest in using the toilet. I bought him a little toddler potty and five minutes after I set it down in the bathroom and took off his clothes he pooped in it. However, a child cannot be potty independent until they can pull their own pants down and back up. This happens around 2 1/2 to 3, so I make zero effort to do any real potty training before then, as in, it's all just for fun until then. But once they are ready, I have been blown away three times by how easy and relaxed it has been.)

-There is no super-defiant "no" phase for respectfully raise children. RIGHTx3 

-Because I don't chase after him or control him, because it is "our" goal to not lose one another, I will have a toddler that never runs away in stores or parks or other places. RIGHTx3

-By giving him information about safety around cars but not being controlling about it, my toddler will make safe choices in parking lots and around cars. RIGHTx3 

-If I use NVC, the woods good and bad will never be necessary. WRONG (concepts exist because we experience them, not because the words create them. It's important to be cognizant of what we are trying to express, but good and bad are fine, useful concepts.)

-If I create a respectful relationship with my son, he will give to me when I ask, for example, we will not struggle over him getting into his carseat. RIGHTx3 (Anders was forced into his carseat against his will only once in his life. Neither Henrik nor Soren have ever been forced into their carseats. *I think another key to my success in this area is giving the kids ample time to play in the car.

-By raising my child respectfully, he will not throw tantrums. RIGHTx3

-By never hitting my son, I will have a child that never hits. WRONG

-By focusing on creating a secure attachment and respecting his needs, I will have a child who never protests when I drop him off somewhere or have a sitter come. RIGHTx3 (I never once dropped either of my babies off and let them cry, or hired a baby sitter and let him cry. It it always their choice ... and yet they always choose to give me time off if I ask for it.)

-By inviting my son to life with me, I will have a child quite advanced for his age in the study of real life. RIGHTx3 (Note this is where RIE and I part ways. RIE does not invite children to life with their parent, but rather puts them into daycare.) Note what Anders could do when he was two: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uenJsBFd5wU.

PRESCHOOL

-By eating a WAPF diet, we won't get colds. WRONG. (Though none of them have been serious.  None my kids have ever been on antibiotics.)

-By eating gourmet, adult food from a young age, I will have a child that does not like the classic kid foods like pasta, pizza, hot dogs, and french fries. WRONG 

-By eating adult food from a young age and having absolute authority about what goes in and what does not go in to his mouth, I will have a child who is an "adventurous eater," willing to try new things. RIGHT MOSTLY (If Soren is full he will not taste the desert.)

-Children allowed to freely choose will choose to wipe their noses. WRONG I am fully onboard with coercive nose-wiping now.

-Children allowed to freely choose, will choose to bathe. MOSTLY RIGHT x3 (I do suggest they bathe. The idea doesn't occur to them on their own.)

-Children allowed to freely choose, will choose to wash their hair with shampoo. WRONG I still don't know how I feel about shampoo.

-Children allowed to freely choose will choose to clothe themselves around the age of 5. RIGHT x3

-By making him largely responsible for his own safe choices, my son will make safe choices. RIGHT x3

-If I use NVC with my son, his pretend games will have NVC. WRONG (Ish, he uses more non-NVC communication in his games than he does NVC, but he does use a little NVC.)

-If I am not violent and threatening, my son won't play games in which he uses threats and pretend violence. WRONG

-By focusing on creating a secure attachment, my child will not exhibit the nervousness, eye-twitches, and stuttering that are common at this age. RIGHT x3

-By teaching my son that his needs matter, and taking them seriously, I will have a child that does not whine--not because he is told not to whine, but because it would never occur to him to whine. RIGHT x3

-By treating my son with respect and empowering him to make his own choices, I will raise a child who is not obsessed with power (like dinosaurs, police, anything that represents being big and powerful to a child). WRONG (My conclusion here is that small, powerless people know they are small and powerless, even if you treat them otherwise.)

-If I raise my child in reality, my child will not get nightmares. INCONCLUSIVE Anders and Soren never got nightmares. Henrik is a sleep walker plagued by nightmares. Henrik has also gravitated towards fiction in a way that Anders and Soren never did.

-If I raise my child in reality (no night lights) and spend time with him looking at the stars, my child will not be afraid of the dark. RIGHT x3

-Because we don't watch other types of television, my son will enjoy documentaries. RIGHT x3

-If I homeschool my child, he will confidently converse with and make friends with people older and younger than he is, including teenagers and adults as well. RIGHT x3

-If I homeschool my child and we are television free, he will happily play with girls in addition to boys. RIGHT x3

-If I homeschool my child and we are television free, he will not care about the current popular toys or clothes. RIGHT x3

-By opting out of preschool and bringing my son to life with me, I will get along with him better, have more in common with him, and like him more than other parents with children the same age. RIGHT x3 (This is completely subjective of course.) 

-By not entertaining Anders from the beginning, I will have a child that is able to entertain himself. RIGHT x3 

-By never dropping Anders off anywhere against his will or hiring a babysitter and leaving him against his will, I will have a child who is not clingy, happy to go to camps and have babysitters, and who is an excellent judge of those caring for him. RIGHT x3 

OVERALL

-It is not necessary to read to a child before he is three years old in order to have a child who loves to read and can read at a young age. RIGHT x2

-Raised with information and freedom, young children will choose to eat healthy foods in addition to unhealthy foods. RIGHT x3

-Raised to see their bodies as their responsibility young children will take good care of their bodies. WRONG Teeth-brushing and health eating must be strongly encouraged or required.

-Children can be exposed to reality (including death and violence shown documentaries) and it will not make them anxious if they have competent parents and a secure attachment. RIGHT x2

-Children raised in reality are focused on their futures from a young age. RIGHT x2

-If brought to life with their parents rather than put in a room with other people their age, young children will act more mature than their peers. RIGHT (Though the most noticeable difference is in how they speak.)

-By doing the above, parenting will be easier, less stressful, and more fun. WRONG. Despite the success of most of my hypotheses, parenting in this way is not easy and is completely exhausting. And being so different from the mainstream is stressful.

-By doing the above, parenting will be easier, less stressful, and more fun if I live on a farm. RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT SOOOOOOO RIGHT

-By doing the above, parenting will be easier, less stressful, and more fun if I live in an office complex like the one I describe here: http://roslynross.blogspot.com/2013/01/my-ideal-unschool-community-here-and-now.html I WAS NOT ABLE TO TEST THIS ONE

OTHER THINGS I LEARNED

-Diet makes a big difference. When Anders has a lot of junk food, he can become quite emotional and obnoxious.

-Cavities that don't hurt don't (usually) don't need to be filled. Honest dentists do exist.

-Topical medications can cure impetigo if you are dedicated; internal antibiotics are not necessary despite the doctor dramatically insisting.

-Despite efforts to not prop Anders and other efforts to encourage core development, he still did not retain his ability to squat nor does he bend from the hips. I am currently unclear on why this is.

-Four-year-olds are competent to follow a complicated route to a store a mile away from home without help (if they have traveled it before).

-Four-year-olds are competent to purchase items on their own.

-Even the youngest of children are competent with sharp knives, provided they are supervised (at first) and taught proper chopping techniques.

-Homeschooled children can be quite advanced academically compared to their pre-schooled peers, despite spending very little time each day doing school work.

-I am also surprised by just how influential I am, how many instances Anders simply defers to whatever I think is best. It's hard to explain because Anders is a very opinionated and strong willed little guy, yet ... he's also very compromising and reasonable and easy to get along with.


THINGS I DON'T KNOW YET

-By eating a WAPF diet and having him take cod liver oil every day, I will have a child who has a broader palate than he would have had otherwise i.e. a child who does not need braces despite the fact that both his parents wore them. (This wont be entirely conclusive with Anders as I did not start eating the WAPF diet until right after he was born. WAPF says you have to eat their diet for two years prior to conceiving to have a child who does not need braces.)

*I am sure there will be a lot more surprises! I just don't know what they are yet...

Anders's Homeschool Curriculum age 5

At  5

Reading

We stopped doing the 100 Easy Lessons program at lesson 90 (so close to the end!) because when we went to the Kumon center (for math) in June, Anders insisted on starting their reading program and doing two different reading programs proved to be more work than he wanted to do every day.

Though we don't do 100 Easy Lessons anymore, Anders still insists that it is his favorite program. I continue to be unimpressed by the Kumon reading program. Their math program is great, but their reading program is more interested in kids memorizing words than in kids learning to sound things out. And they also have a social agenda going on that I don't appreciate. But Anders wants to do it, so for now, that's what we are doing.

We have not had a lot of time to read before bed lately. Anders has so much he wants to do outside during the day that he races out in the morning and only comes in at dark, passing out in seconds. Despite this, we did recently finish Little Men, Escape the Rat Race: Learn How Money Works and Become a Rich Kid, and we are half way through Beowulf, which Anders really likes.

Note: I don't buy the dumbed-down, children's versions of classic books. A big reason I read classic literature to Anders is to expose him to vocabulary to which he wouldn't otherwise be exposed. The dumbed down versions of classic books, the "kids versions," don't add anything to Anders's vocabulary.

Moreover, the kids versions all sound the same. Reading different authors and time periods requires listening to very different voices and ways of communicating; it's like learning to speak different languages. Anders is at a crucial age in which he can absorb these voices and languages without resistance. With enough exposure, his brain will remain open to them and later he won't find books by Dickens or Shakespeare overly foreign or intimidating. (Or at least, that is my hypothesis.)

Math

On his most recent visit to the Kumon center, Anders worked for an hour and fifteen minutes without stopping, doing over 100 pages of work. He made it to level 3A in Kumon math. 3A is adding 1, 2, and 3. It is the hardest level for young kids and generally takes six months to a year to pass. (Kumon doesn't pass a kid to the next level until they are flawless and fast at their current level.)

I am a big fan of the Kumon math program, but also the Montessori math program (Kumon for the repetition and required excellence, Montessori for concretizing mathematical concepts). This is why I looked into Montessori summer programs and found one in Santa Barbara that Anders was excited to attended. He stayed after the camp for an hour three times a week for a private math lesson. He liked these lessons so much that he requested to do them every day! His Montessori teacher reported to me that when she got him he was very advanced in math, right on par with her students who are about a year ahead of public school students. By the end of her six weeks with him, she said he had done the entire upcoming school year and was now two years ahead of public school students.

In one hour, three times a week for six weeks, a kid can do the work of  an entire school year. I think this is the most surprising thing to me about homeschooling: It takes so little time.

Anders's favorite games these days are: the Montessori Pythagorus Board, the Montessori Stamp Game, and Memory. But we have not been playing games all that much as Anders has been so busy working on the farm.

Anders's Work

What is Anders so busy doing on the farm all day? Well... it all started when the kids dug the hole for the fountain one week. I was so blown away by their work, that I offered them more work, but Anders declined. He didn't want to work on my projects anymore, he wanted to work on his own, he said.

Anders negotiated with me and Tom for land. Despite his initial attempt to use the argument, "You guys have so much land, and I don't have any, so it's fair," we eventually reached an agreement, and about 1/8 of an acre--from the jocote tree to his treehouse--was deemed his.

So, Anders and his friends (whom he was referring to as his workers) spent weeks digging holes underneath and around the tree house. Then off to the nursery they went and took three dozen plants. The gardener, German, went with them to make sure everything was planted properly and now near his tree house Anders has "a farm" that includes many flower plants, an aloe vera, and some young teak and mahogany trees.

Next Anders, German, and the local kids spent a few days digging a trench that extended from the jocote tree to Anders's tree house. They put rocks in their trench and Anders announced, "This is the fence to my property." For a while he had everyone asking permission before they set foot on his land. Several of the children tired of this game and stopped coming over every day. 

When there was nothing more to plant, Anders and German worked hard cutting down shrubby guacimo trees to allow in enough light for the young rainforest trees they planted to flourish. Anders is now really good with a machete: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LEfDg40sxA&list=PLD5CYaUtWd6SjTovWryZtPz7pSTwdMj5K&index=206

I am not sure when Anders will tired of this game. For now, he says it is very important to get his current acre successful, so that he can have a second acre of land.

Social Skills

Anders continues to be confident, outgoing, authoritative, and bossy. He is often compassionate. He is a ridiculously good negotiator.

Anders is very interested in girls right now as he wants to find a partner/wife. He often makes art projects and saves them "to give to his partner" when he finds her.

Anders continued to lie about his age until about a month ago. He stopped telling people he was 13 or 19 around July as he found no one believed him. He started telling people he was 6. This confused a great many people. After September the excitement about his birthday took over, and he started telling people he would be 5 on October 20.

Anders values being a person who sticks to his deals, but he is currently not quite truly capable. Which is, developmentally speaking, totally fine. He has incredible perseverance to accomplish his goals--as long as they are intrinsically motivated.

Anders tells a lot of tall tales. Often they are benign lies that are things he wishes were true. "No it wasn't me that did that, it was Moises." I might say, "I think you wish that was the truth." Often he agrees that he wishes that were the truth. Other times he becomes offended and says he is not lying. Again, developmentally speaking, lying is not a big deal at this age. I want him to understand the concept of truth, but I don't want to make it a moral thing. I tell him truth is helpful, and truthful information enables us to make better decisions, but I don't make a big deal out of it. Though I never laugh, it is extremely difficult as his tall tales are immensely entertaining.

Anders's changing phone skills: When he was younger and he was done with a call, he would just hang up. Then, as he learned the social customs associated with telephones, he would interrupt whatever the person was saying, and say, "Bye!" and hang up. In the last year he began allowing people to finish their sentences before saying, "Okay bye!" and hanging up. Recently he has started waiting until they finish their sentence sand saying, "Well, I'm done talking now. Are you done?"

Eating

Anders's favorite food these days is jocote leaves. They taste like spinach, and the kids like to climb the tree and snack on them. I am having a hard time convincing them that they need to be washed first.

Anders commented to me the other day that the men who work at our farm chew with their mouths open. Though we read the book Manly Manners, it's not like I have ever told him to close his mouth while he eats (though, come to think of it, he does).

Personal Care

Anders showers every night before bed as always. He currently takes great care in washing his body, shampooing his hair, brushing his own teeth and water-picking. His motivation for this self-care evolution is that his future partner will want a man who is nice and clean.

Interests

Anders's main interest at the moment is dinosaurs, space, and airplanes.

He loves building with his legos. Currently he builds airplanes and methane factories. 

He loves all arts and crafts projects, and especially loves my pens and markers. He does not like his much larger collection of Crayola markers, colored pencils, and crayons. He says my markers (sharpies, nice art markers, painting-pens) make much richer colors. He also prefers the thick, nice paper that I like to use to the standard printer paper that I buy him. 

Anders has watched almost no documentaries lately. He is just too busy all day. Tom brought three new Families of the World DVD's from the library in LA for us to watch, and we had to really make time to watch them.

Notes

About six weeks ago, Anders got so busy with his farm project that he stopped doing his Kumon entirely for about ten days, after which we had a conversation something like this:

Me: Anders, I notice that you haven't done your Kumon work in over a week! Do you want to keep doing the program or should we stop doing it?

Anders: I want to do it, I just don't have time right now.

Me: That's fine. Maybe we can do it again later. It's just important for me to know because it costs money every month, and if you are not going to do it, I need to cancel it, so that we are not spending $260 a month on a program you are not doing.

Anders: No! Don't cancel it! I want to do it!

Me: You may want to do it, but you are not doing it. How about I wait until the end of the month to cancel it? If you start doing it again, I won't cancel it, but if you still aren't doing it, then I can cancel it. Is that good?

Anders: It's great! But I'm going to do it!

Me: Okay. (Totally non-committed, not having an opinion one way or the other.)

But the next day he did four days worth of pages (which I did not suggest, that was all him) and the following day he did two days worth of pages, and after that he has stuck to doing his daily pages.

Average day in Santa Barbara:

7am wake, dress, eat
730am walk to camp
8:00am camp
2:30pm math tutor
3:00pm swim in hotel pool, play 
5:00pm dinner and Kumon
6:30pm get ready for bed, read
6:45pm I start reading, and by the end of the first page Anders is asleep.

Average day at the farm:

5:30am wake, get dressed, rush outside to work with German
7:00am breakfast
7:10am back to work with German
11:30am lunch, Anders runs to the dining room when the lunch bell is rung; we talk about what we are up to; he eats very fast and rushes back out
11:45am back to work with German 
2:00pm swimming
3:00pm Legos
4:00pm dinner and Kumon
5:00pm get ready for bed
6:00pm Anders gets into bed with paper and a pen and plans his day for the next day
6:30pm I start reading and by the end of the first page Anders is asleep.

Anders's Homeschool Curriculum age 4 2/3

At  4 2/3

Reading

We stopped doing the Hooked on Phonics program (somewhere in the second half of first grade) and now we do solely the 100 Easy Lessons program. We have made it to lesson 80. Each lesson includes practicing a series of words and then reading a story that has those words in it. After lesson 70 or so, Anders started reading the story first. That way he would know which words he didn't know and needed to practice. Then we would go back and do the lesson, practicing just those words that he didn't know in the story and skipping the rest that he (rightly) found to be needless repetition. I continue to be impressed with his ability to direct his own learning and make whatever program we are doing work for him.

Though we no longer do any of the Hooked on Phonics lessons, Anders still likes to read the little books to himself.

In the last few months, we have read a lot of fairy tales. I am quite disturbed by them. Almost all of them seem to teach a "poor person" philosophy: Success in life is based on luck and magic; good people are people who do what they are told and never try to better their lives or are altruistic to a masochistic degree; good people are rewarded for their goodness by some benevolent, magical power. The only other path to success in life presented in Grimm's Complete Fairy Tales, is to be cunning, and trick other people out of their money. No one in these stories finds success in life because of consistent, dedicated hard work and moral behavior toward others.

I cannot recommend these stories for anyone's children.

A little research, of course, revealed that fairy tales ARE poor people stories! According to Ken Mondschein, Phd, who wrote the long introduction at the front of my 652 page Grimm's Complete Fairy Tales:

"Fairy tales are, after all, a form of folk tale. They were works of low culture – very unlike the stories of valiant knights and holy saints that the rich paid poets to compose in the Middle Ages.... For centuries, fairy tales were usually considered outside the bounds of refined taste. ... The Grimms intended their work to be the psychic bricks and mortar of a new Germany. This was a product of their time. ... The Grimms portrayed themselves as recording the authentic German spirit and culture, which they believed was not in the hands of the literary and sophisticated elites, but was instead unconsciously manifested through the words and deeds of the common people."

Despite my dislike of the values taught in fairy tales, they are part of our "cultural knowledge." References are made constantly to the them, especially in children's games, so knowing the stories is important. I would rather Anders's references to the fairy tales be the stories than the Disney movies based on the stories that teach the same terrible life philosophy but in a far more manipulative way.

So, I did decide to read the fairy tales to Anders, but with a lot of care and conversation, as if I were reading him statist propaganda. We talked about what values each story was selling, and what the hero would have done if he thought like a successful person.

After the fairy tales we read a book of Norse myths, which I liked a lot more. The gods in the Norse myths are very proactive at achieving their goals. I also enjoyed using the picture of Yggdrasil to start talking to Anders about how our brains work. (Yggdrasil is the best concretized picture of human consciousness I have come across.)

After the Norse myths we read a book of Greek myths that included a kids version of The Odyssey. It is insane to me that today an intellectual education includes having read The Odyssey. Like the fairy tales, this is not a work of high literature. This is the trashy super hero comic of its day. In ancient Greece, the intellectual class considered the Iliad and Odyssey stories for common people. Uncommon people read philosophy to their children.

Math

Anders is still very into his Kumon program. When we were in LA, he stopped by the Kumon center and took tests and did work for 45 minutes straight. He has made it to level 4A in the Kumon math program. This means he is still counting to 100, and not yet doing addition--though he can definitely add. We have a Montessori adding game that we play, and Anders can add 1, 2, and 3 to even big numbers pretty effortlessly. (Big numbers mean numbers like 55 or 117, numbers less than 120.)

Anders loves the games Go Fish, Monopoly Junior, and Set Junior. All of these I think help with math. He still shows very little interest in doing puzzles.

Social Skills

Anders continues to impress me with his social skills. At his spring break camps you would have had no idea that this kid was being homeschooled on a farm in the jungle. He made friends easily with everyone and shocked me with his ability to line up and follow orders.

He still has no problem playing with girls. He chooses his next reading book based on whether the plot sounds interesting, not the gender of the main character. This is interesting to me as four-year-old boys I was a nanny for would never have let me read them things like Anne of Green Gables or The Secret Garden.

According to his camp counselor, Anders introduced himself to the other campers as Tree Thomas Anders Ragnar Wolf Balto Garrett. He also told them he is 13 and from Europe.

One behavioral change I noticed after Anders attended camp for four weeks was that he began to constantly report, throughout the day, on whether he was a good boy or a bad boy and on whether I was a good mom or a bad mom.

Anders likes to walk into restaurants with which he is familiar all by himself. He tells me I can come in five minutes. He gets the table and asks for waters. Sometimes he even orders. Only then am I welcome to show up. He likes playing "ladies and gentleman" at the restaurant, and putting his napkin on his lap, but thinks ladies should pull out chairs for gentleman and not the other way around.

When Anders has a babysitter come he opens the door and tells the babysitter what the plan is for the day. He sees himself as the boss in that relationship. If he does not enjoy being with a babysitter, he tells me when I get home, and I never hire her again. Interestingly, though I always tell him he can call me if there are any issues, he never has. He just waits until I get home and tells me he didn't really like the sitter. When I asked him why he did this, he told me that he wanted me to have my time off.

The most common form of play in Nicaragua involves some scenario in which the kids run around shooting each other. If they ever pretend to shoot an adult, the adult generally pretends to die a very dramatic death. So before we went to the US for spring break, I warned him people in the US are obsessed with kids not pretending to shoot at them. He experimented with pretty much the first adult with whom he came into contact in the US. He pretended to shoot her; she got very upset. Having discovered that what I had warned him about was, in fact, true, Anders didn't attempt to shoot anyone again the entire time we were in LA. The minute we got back to Nicaragua he started shooting people right and left. I always thought the "consistency!" parenting myth was bunk, and now I am sure it is. Children are fully capable of learning all the different if-then situations adults are.

Another example of this: Anders knows if someone in the US pats his head or pinches his cheek, he can tell them not to touch him, and they will apologize immediately. He knows this does not work in Nicaragua and asking adults not to touch him will make them laugh and touch him more. Likewise, when you get hurt in LA, everyone comforts you. In Nicaragua if you get hurt, the other kids laugh at you.

Anders asked me why this was, and I explained that I am not sure, but I believe that the people we hang out with in Nicaragua (the workers on our farm and other farmers and their children) are lower class and the people we hang out with in LA are middle class and upper class. My understanding is that lower class people are toughened up. Pain is something you laugh at. Upper class kids are trained to be sensitive and empathetic. I always tell him it is good to know both ways, so when in Rome, you know what the custom is. Then I asked him what he wants the custom to be in his family, and he said that he likes to be comforted.

One final example of children's ability to compartmentalize correct social behaviors for varying situations is with "bad" words. I use the words: ass, shit, damnit, fuck, asshole, and jerk. And though I make an effort not to swear around people who are bothered by it, I don't give a damn the rest of the time because I don't really buy into the idea that some words are "bad." Anders knows these swear words, and though he rarely uses them, when he does, he uses the them correctly.

Before our recent trip to Los Angeles, I explained to Anders that some people think of certain words as "bad" and will get upset with him for using them. I told him what the bad words were and just like that he stopped using them for the entire trip to LA. Unlike the shooting example, he did not feel the need to test my veracity.

Because bad words are not "bad" to Anders, when he wants to say something really mean to someone, he calls them silly, or a silly bunny, or a foo foo. When he says these words, he has such a sneer on his face, it is clear he is trying to be mean. Insults are so much more about tone and the expression than the actual word!

One last note: "Ass" is frequently used in the book The Wind and the Willows and "cock" is used in all books before the 1900's. These are relatively new "bad" words.

Fantasy

Anders spends a lot of time pretending that he is writing a book.

He also plays with Legos a lot. One time I overhead him playing a game with his Legos in which bad guys knocked down fences and stole cows.

He never plays games in which he has magical powers or is a superhero. When he wants to pretend he is very powerful, he pretends he is very rich or "the government" or a really good fighter.

Eating

Anders continues to be very easy to feed. He went on a mustard kick for a while, putting mustard on everything at every meal for about two months. About once a week he requests "something junky" which is generally juice, chips, or cookies.

We continue to talk about nutrition and health whenever it comes up. Anders enjoys the story I tell him about his body fighting a war on his teeth and how eating sugar gives weapons to the bacteria trying to attack his teeth and make holes in them, whereas eating kefir arms the good bacteria and eating sardines and milk make his teeth stronger and harder to attack.

Personal Care Skills

There is no bath at the farm, so Anders showers. Sometimes he stays in the shower for thirty minutes, sometimes thirty seconds. Either way he showers every night before bed. Sometimes I ask him to shower (so that he smells good when we cuddle!) but everyone who says children raised without coercion won't bathe is just ... afraid of all the wrong things.

Interests

Anders became very interested in whales, dolphins, and orcas recently and has watched about six documentaries on them. He knows more about them than I do and uses words like "archeoplast" that I have to Google in order to understand what he is talking about.

He is also very interested in rich people and poor people, bosses and employees, Nicaraguans and Americans, farms and construction, and cars and advertising. Which is to say, he is interested in the world to which he has been exposed.

His favorite activity (in my opinion) is going through my stuff. He goes through item by item and wants to know what everything is for, and then he plays a game with it.

He loves to pretend to cook and makes a lot of "meals" out of things he picks from all over the farm.

He has completely taken over paying the workers. I hand him a stack of envelopes with eighteen different names written on them, and he takes it from there.

Anders still enjoys Ted Ed videos, especially those about the human body. He also likes animal and space documentaries, and any show about construction. His full moon fiction movies have included: Sleeping Beauty, Winnie-the-Pooh, Zootopia, Ratatouille, and Anne of Green Gables.

Other Notes

Anders knows all the days of the week, and in the right order. No idea how he learned this.

When he grows up, Anders plans to take over his father's company, Garrett Associates. He is quite firm in this. He was interested in being a writer like me, a fireman, and a rock scientist until he found out how much money his father made comparatively.

It fascinates me how he seems to design his own preschool program--painting, drawing, mazes, gluing, cutting, sculpting. He finds something interesting while going through my stuff (scissors!) and develops an obsession with them for a month or so. Recently it has been cutting and glueing. Before that it was painting and mazes. Before that it was sculpting things out of this clay-like mud he found. I never said, "Let's sculpt things out of clay!" or "Let's cut and paste!" He just finds these things and starts doing them.

Anders's Average day at the farm:

7:00am wake, cuddle, talk about our day, get dressed
7:30am have breakfast, say "hi" to workers, give instructions
8:00am-12:00pm Yesnir and Jesslyn come over; they all watch the workers and check out progress on the building. They build toys out of scrap wood, run around, swim, play in tree house, dig in the mud, sculpt things, pick something from a tree and eat it, crack coyol nuts
12:00pm lunch, Anders and I check in
12:30pm Anders heads back to playing with his friends, or perhaps he is bored with them and joins German for a few hours of chopping away the jungle or planting something. Anders has gotten quite skilled with a machete.
3:00pm the kids sit down and ask for their workbooks
4:00pm they swim
5:00pm we have dinner
5:30pm the kids play tag or hide and seek
6:00pm get ready for bed, read, cuddle, talk
8:00pm go to sleep

Anders's Average day attending camp in the city:

7:00am wake, rush through breakfast and dressing
7:30am leave the hotel, walk or drive to camp
8:00am-2:00pm Camp
2:00pm walk or drive home
2:30pm decompress with quiet, alone play
3:30pm do an errand, swim in hotel pool
4:30pm kumon
5:00pm dinner
6:00pm get ready for bed, read, cuddle, talk
8:00pm go to sleep

Only Kings and Queens Can Found Kingdoms: A Story About Successful Marraiges

This is a messy blog post. It is an idea I want to share because, though it may not be The One Truth, it's a story that has been helpful to me.

My husband and I have a great relationship now, but we didn't always. We had horrific childhood attachment issues to overcome in addition to terrible relationship models coming from our two sets of divorced parents. There was a key moment in our relationship right after we got engaged. We got into a terrible fight (of course I cannot remember what it was about). I called my mom, and she said, "Yeah, relationships end. Sounds like yours has run its course." He called his mom, and she said something similar.

When we made up from that fight we realized we could never call our parents to help us through our marriage struggles (if our goal was to stay married). Similarly, I couldn't turn to the advice offered by Ayn Rand or Nathaniel Branden on the subject of marriage and relationships as neither of them had marriages I would want to emulate. I started my search for new relationship role-models.

A few years later Tom and I were married, and I was pregnant. Tom's single friends at the time were Tindering it up, and his married friends (and him) were all feeling a little jealous and trapped. I had this realization then, that changed how we saw the situation.

Joseph Campbell wrote about the "human story." He saw a woman's life story as having three main arcs: Maiden then Mother then Crone. For a man was: Squire then Warrior then King. I don't think those work well for today, so I updated them to: Maiden then Warrior Queen Mother then Wise Woman and, for a man, Squire then Warrior King Father then Wise Man.

"The problem," I said to my husband, "is that your friends think they are still squires. They are like the 40-year-old married women running around in short skirts. They're living the wrong story. I'm not a maiden anymore. It's hard to let that story go. Flirting with squires was fun. But now I will live the Warrior Queen Mother story, and I will try to make that story as glorious as my Maiden story was.

As a Warrior Queen Mother, I don't want to wear skimpy dresses and flirt with boys. I want to fight for the survival of my kingdom (e.g. my children). Your married friends would feel a lot better if they stopped seeing themselves as squires who are supposed to be chasing maiden-tail. They are kings now, and they have kingdoms to fight for. They can be heroes. Or they can be playboy princes that destroy their kingdoms."

This story rings even more true now. I was at a department store the other day trying on dresses for a cocktail party. The saleswoman was trying to get me to buy something extremely short and "sexy." "You've got such a great body; you should flaunt it!" she kept telling me. I was totally uninterested and tried to explain to her that I am in my mid-thirties not my mid-twenties, that I am married, that I an not trying to attract anyone, etc. She found it sad that I didn't think I "could" wear sexy stuff anymore.

I became interested in this exchange. Hollywood loves the maiden/squire story and has fed us a ton of one-liners to keep us pursuing our mates rather than building kingdoms. It is rare, on television, to see loyalty between partners. There is so much back-stabbing. And yet it is partnership and commitment that leads to riches, the kingdom we create that leads to a better life.

Squires and maidens tend to spend money in their efforts to show off and attract a mate. Smart kings and queens are more likely to save money because security and ensuring the survival of their offspring is what motivates them. Maidens and squires, whether they have children or not, are largely focused on attracting a mate, not kingdom building.

Maybe it's because we give away our children to be raised by others – there is no kingdom to fight for anymore. Maybe it's because of all the subterfuge involved in today's battle for survival. On the subject of nutrition alone – how many wealthy dynasties have failed because of inability to produce viable heirs due to nutritional depletion of genetic stock across generations? Many wealthy and middle class people think they are successfully "surviving," but they are not, not if you take a long-term (three or more generations) view of it.

I find this reflected in my parent-friends who, rather than be focused on the battle for the survival of their children, are focused on their careers. "Your family is your job!" I want to say. The point of a flashy career is to attract the best possible mate. A married person overly focused on career is a person looking to get divorced (and "trade up" in mates). A king or queen would only be interested in their career to the extent that it could benefit their kingdom, perhaps by making family alliances so that their children can find the best mates possible. But in a very deep way, Kings and Queen know it's not about them anymore, and that's wonderful!

I am all about selfishness, but for me, the battle for the survival of my children is what I want right now. Every time I hear my parent-friends talk about their search for sexual fulfillment, I can't help but think – you are stuck in your old story. By all means, if you are so wealthy that your children are eating farm fresh organic Weston A Price food, if you and they have straight teeth with no braces and no cavities and no other signs of physical degeneration, if you have fantastic communication skills with your partner and your children and you are raising them and not having them raised by others, then perhaps you have so much free time that you could be focused on "sexual fulfillment." Otherwise: You are falling for what seems to me like a media sales gimmick.

When a twenty-year-old tells me about her wild sex life, it's entertaining. When a forty-year-old does so, there is something unattractive about it. And I think it's this: The social cues you are giving me with your focus on sex or your career is that you are not focused on your kingdom.

Having been born into poverty and having been studying successful families since the minute I understood what I wanted, and knowing that most people who make it into the top 1% will stay there less than two years and 80% will stay there less than ten years, and knowing that while I worked my butt off and rose in wealth throughout my life, I have watched most of my friends (who were raised in wealth) fall. Why? Why is it so hard for a family to keep its wealth once it has acquired it?

One conclusions I have made is that wealthy people equate their wealth only to money. This is a fatal mistake in the creation of a dynasty. Ask any of the failed dynasties why they failed: Inability to produce heirs (decline in genetic stock), poor parent-child relationships (which the parents will pass off as unmotivated kids), fighting among heirs (failure of family to share values).

It became clear to me while I worked for unhealthy 1%ers that you cannot lose focus on health and healthy relationships. My husband and I talk about this as we build our wealth. We will build our wealth more slowly than we can, but we will do it right. The foundation of physical health for our bodies and our children's bodies is our highest priority. We can always make money. But money cannot buy good health that has been lost.

Same with relationships. Divorce destroys kingdoms. Children who hate their parents destroy kingdoms. So though my husband and I could be moving toward our financial dreams twice as fast if we put Anders into school and I joined the paid workforce, that is sacrificing the future for the present. And it would likely destroy our kingdom, if not in our lifetime, in our children's lifetime. And why? My husband and I are taken; we don't need flashy amounts of money or success to attract mates. We only need enough money for our own enjoyment and to maximize the quality of our offspring.

Money will only serve the mind that can match it. It is far more important that we focus on giving our son a mind that can match and grow our current level of wealth, than that we keep growing it.

The battle for survival that my husband and I fight is glorious. We must be quite high earners just to feed our family properly. Tom has to earn twice as much as husbands whose wives work so that I can raise our son. But we have a dream of a family like one we have yet to see in our lives. There is nothing more bonding, nothing sexier, than going to war in this way with my husband. It's exhausting of course, but it's a beautiful, fun, and interesting exhausting because it is meaningful for us.

Something else I noticed recently: Battle scars are tragic and hideous on maidens and squires. On kings and queens they are hot, proof of our strength, our prowess. And thank goodness, because I don't think anyone makes it to old age without them.

The belief that we are warriors now, not innocent, happy young folk, also helps us on to the next phase of our life story – old age and accepting death. When you are a maiden or a squire death is tragic. When you are exhausted from battle, scarred, used, death is rest, something that you can be happy about (just a little bit).

This is a subconscious experience for us, an emotional story. But you better believe I am out there making friends who are living this story. Most parents I meet are still maidens and squires. They are not kingdom building and alliances with them are becoming more and more unfulfilling. They are married and have children, but seem to have bought into the advertising media pitch that their life purpose should be ... sex. I like sex as much as the next person, but as your meaning in life?

I was having lunch with a friend of mine the other day who is getting her PhD in sexual health. She was telling me how important sexual fulfillment is, and when I told her it wasn't a priority to Tom and me, she became worried. But upon further questioning it turned out that we have a "healthy" amount of sex. Yet we don't make sex dates or have a date night as is recommend for couples with children. Just the fact that we like each other is enough to get us into bed. I am not holding our relationship out there as a Model For Everyone To Follow, but I think that we are still attracted to each other because of how we see each other. Like I said above, there something bonding and super sexy about seeing each other as warriors fighting a battle together.

Here are some more metaphors: I think many wives subconsciously do their best to stay maidens because they think that is how they will keep their husbands. But it's actually the opposite. If you stay a maiden and keep your husband in squire-mode, eventually you will break up. Why? Because a mother cannot compete with the maidens. A forty year old woman cannot out maiden real maidens. Even if she isn't older than they are, her focus is divided, her story is wrong, and there is always something unattractive subconsciously about people living the wrong story. Rather, the woman who wants to keep her husband should specifically try to not be a maiden or compete with maidens. She should focus on being the most incredible queen any king could wish for. No maiden can compete with a true warrior queen. And no king is attracted to maidens - they are pretty, silly things, not useful to him in battle.

What does it mean when a married woman and mother dresses in a way to attract men? Does it mean she is confident about her body? I don't think so. Something about it is unattractive. (And that is interesting to me.) This is what I think: What it says to me is she is not happy in her relationship, that she may cheat on her husband, that she may wish she were still a maiden, in other words: I should not trust and form alliances with her kingdom as she is alerting me to its instability or lack of success. Perhaps she genuinely thinks she is just showing the world that she doesn't care what it thinks – but that's just out of touch with reality. And I don't think it's attractive to be out of touch with reality. The fact that you will be judged by how you present yourself is unavoidable. To dress as if that is not a fact just makes you in denial and likely to fail.

I think about the things we used to think (as a society) were "bad." Dressing slutty. Divorce. We don't want to stigmatize the people who do these things. But at the same time, in some ways, they signify someone's success or failure to grow up.

I went to a conference over the summer where I was hit on rather a lot. It was flattering, but it occurred to me that it's boring to me now. What's interesting to me is my son and my husband, our growth, our finances, the creation of the best life possible for our family, the dream of building something that could last generations. Several times I was hit on by people who have open marriages who wondered if I have the same. And I ... don't see that in my future. Because it's boring. Seduction and being seduced was once the most fascinating and marvelous thing to me in the world. I read books on it! But now it simply doesn't serve me. It doesn't serve my kingdom.

I can't help but wonder about the people who are married and have children, but are still pursing mating. I wonder how their kingdoms will do (long term) with their energies so distracted.

Likewise the high percentage of women who abandon their children and return to the workforce. This is a subconscious signal to me that they don't trust their relationship. Their relationship is on such shaky ground that the woman cannot afford to specialize in the children, she has to be prepared for the coming divorce. She has to have "her own" money. If you haven't even figured out how to make a committed alliance to your own husband, how can I trust any alliance you make with me?

Not to mention your children. I am looking for the best mates for my own well-raised children. If your children are going to be raised by servants, middle class teachers, and the television, they are not good mates for mine.

Some women think that staying in the workforce is sexier to their husbands. These women are completely out of touch with reality. Every father I know wants his wife to "do whatever makes her happy." But every last one of them hopes that caring for his children (and him) is what will make her happy. I have never seen a man jump for joy when his queen announces that she, actually, would not enjoy caring for his children. What man can forgive that betrayal? Of course they smile and pretend they are modern, but I think that when their wife shows she cares so little for the children, he starts to detach from them as well.

A man cannot become a king without a queen. A woman in the workforce is not a queen. Queens are focused on their kingdoms, on their children. Likewise men pursuing outlying career success are not kings. Kings are focused on their kingdoms. That is what the money is for.

Both partners must choose to mature. If the man stays a squire he will be obsessed with maidens, and since his wife cannot be one anymore, he will end up leaving her for one. And with his new wife he will start a kingdom a second time. And then he will leave her for a third maiden. Never will his kingdoms progress or grow in glory. He will have wasted decades of valuable kingdom building time reliving the same old story rather than committing to the new one.

I maintain that kingdoms can be built at any social status. It is a way of life, not a social status. Some people will argue that their family "cannot afford" to have one partner at home, but according to Ann Crittenden in The Price of Motherhood, if the wife isn't making over 50k (possibly 65k in today's dollars), it doesn't actually pencil for the woman to be working. What does "cannot afford" mean? Money is all about choices. We choose what we value. For a kingdom builder, nothing is more valuable than the children.

For the record, I don't agree with women being stuck in the house with the kids. Please see: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/1185171129?type=review#rating_109775433. But I also don't think there is any other option today for the woman that values the health of her children and future of her kingdom.

When my children are ready, I will give up my throne and become a wise woman. This is one of the hardest and most important things a king or queen must do. The failure of many parents to "give up the throne" destroys relationships, and especially the children. It is this awareness of my future obsoleteness that enables me to give Anders my very best happily. Nothing like being a warrior for a few decades to make you feel excited about resting!

I had lunch with one of my favorite girlfriends the other day. Unlike me she grew up in a wealthy family, and she has happily married parents. She said, "Many girls marry rich men because they want to be a princess. But to be a princess you must make your husband your servant. If you make your husband your servant, he will soon be poor. Instead you must seek to be a queen at his side, and make your husband your king. If you treat your husband like a king, he will soon be more rich."

I love this story too. Princess-wives are another example of a way people can fail to change stories.

I apologize for any of this sounding judge-y. Like I said above, this is not The One Truth. There are many glorious stories to live, this one has been mine.

UPDATE

Frank pointed out below that it might be easiest for people to move on to their next story when they have lived their current story to the fullest. As in: squires and maidens who milked every last drop of their squire and maiden experience might be happier to settle into the warrior kingdom mode. Likewise, those who accept the warrior kingdom and live it to its fullest might be the happiest to let that go and become the wise "letting go" generation.

In my studies of death it occurred to me that Buddhism is a disturbing religion for the young. Nor is it helpful for the kingdom builders. But man is it the perfect religion for the old! It's about acceptance and letting go. The entire Tibetan Book of Living and Dying has one main thing to teach: how to die with grace and dignity. Buddhism is the religion for our final stage. I would say Christianity and Judaism (war-making religions) are quite fantastic religions for kingdom building. And for maidens and squires? Well, they should be Pagens. Again, not saying this as Fact. Using these ideas as metaphors to describe the human experience and how we can best facilitate one another to live our stage to the fullest.

A Reader Says, "My Son Has a Negative Relationship With Naps"

A reader recently emailed me and asked what he could go about his 18-month-old's negative relationship to sleep. Here is what I know:

Children who don't want to go to bed may--

1: Lack correct information about sleep

2: Have a controlling relationship with the parent in regards to sleep

3: Not live in reality

4: Have an insecure attachment to their caregiver

Solution 1: Correct Information

Always assume your child will make great choices for himself if given great information.

I gave my son a lot of information when he was younger (and I still do) about his body and the care of his body. I told him how important sleep was for him and for me, how our bodies heal while we sleep, and how his grows. I helped him make the connection between how he felt at certain times and the amount of rest he had gotten. "You didn't sleep very long last night, you may be crabby today." And then later, "I'm noticing how emotional you are today. You are crying a lot--which is fine, crying is good for you, but, I think part of the reason you are so sad is because you didn't get enough sleep last night."

I talked about how I felt on days when I didn't get enough sleep. "Anders! I just realized why I am in such a bad mood! I didn't sleep enough last night!" One of my favorite things that I do as a parent is make my internal dialogue available to my son. I talk about feeling tired and feeling exhausted. I talked about how happy I am to go to bed and rest my body and how good it feels. I cuddle up in my sheets and say, "Ahhhhh. Thank goodness I finally get to sleeeeeep!" I took naps when I needed to--sometimes while he played nearby. I talked a lot about energy, "I need more energy, so I am going to go to sleep." "I feel sooooo good now, I had suuuuuch a good night's sleep."

So of course, these are all the things I heard back from him as he got older (and still do). 

I also talked about the process of getting more and more tired:

"You might notice your eyes are dry and you start to rub them a lot, that means they have been open for too long and you should probably take a nap."

"You might notice you are yawning. That is also your body telling you it's time to think about a nap."

"You might notice that you feel sad and crabby and kind of like crying. That means you ignored your body's first signs and now you better get to bed right now or you're going to freak out."

Notice that I am not telling him to take a nap. His body is telling him that he needs to take a nap. I am just noticing and newscasting reality for him. "You're rubbing your eyes. I think your body may be telling you it needs rest." "You're yawning, do you want to get some sleep?" "You're feeling very emotional right now. I think you missed your window. This is going to be hard."

Solution 2: Freedom, Respect, Responsibility

I gave my son information and helped him see the connections. It was then his responsibility to take care of himself. He certainly let himself get overtired at times, and then I would say, "You feel this way because you didn't listen to your body and go to sleep when you needed to! Now, you may be too tired to go to sleep on your own, and I may have to help you. I know you like to be in charge of your sleeping, but going to sleep when you are too tired is really hard. Your body becomes full of stress hormones because being too tired is so stressful. Your body needs to release those hormones--usually by crying. Do you think you need to cry? Or do you think you have time to go to bed right now and then you wont have to cry?"

I offer other ways I can help, "Can I take you for a walk in the stroller to help you?" "Would you like me to cuddle up with you to help you? Sometimes being able to hear someone's heartbeat can help you go to sleep." "I'm working right now, so I can't help you too much, but you are welcome to come curl up on my lap."

I was there to help, but his sleep was never my job.

Anders saw going to sleep as his responsibility. He saw himself as capable of caring for his body. "It's your body, you get to decide." I always tell him. As soon as he could scoot, he scooted himself to his floor bed and passed out. He put himself to bed often before he was 18 months. He rarely needed my help. Around 18 months we moved, so he wanted to be closer to me when he went to sleep. At nap time I would get in my bed and read a book, and he would curl up next to me and pass out. Sometimes I would read whatever I was reading out loud to him--if he asked. Sometimes he didn't take a nap and would end up super crabby, and I would support him as best I could and remind him to not miss his nap tomorrow, so he didn't feel this way. Then he got used to the new house and went back to sleeping on his own.

But it was always very fluid. He slept on his own for a few months, then with me for a few months. I loved both arrangements, so I always left that up to him.

At some point when he was 2 he often wanted to stay up later than I did, so he would kiss me good night and go to his bed. Or I would say, "Goodnight, I'm going to bed!" and go to bed. He generally only stayed up five to ten minutes later than I did, but it was his thing at that age. It didn't last long. Now he if I say I am going to bed he gets ready for bed super fast because he does not want to stay up later than I do.

I would say every six months or so he would try something new in regards to his sleep. When he was 3, he had a playhouse outside that he liked to sleep in. I couldn't let him stay in it all night as he would get bitten by too many bugs, but he would put himself to bed it in it and pass out, and I would carry him to his bed. (I of course got his permission to do this while he was awake, "Anders, it's fine if you want to go to sleep in there, but after you are sleeping can I carry you to your bed so the bugs don't bite you?")

Here is a video of that time--

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGN2NOz48m0

Note that he is telling me he needs to go to bed to get some more energy. 

If the parent sees it as his job to "get their kid to go to sleep," his goal is to control the behavior of his child. When we seek to control another person, that person is our enemy and our relationship with that person becomes a war--Who will win?! 

If the parent sees it as his job to "get their kid to go to sleep," the child cannot be responsible for going to bed and getting enough sleep. It becomes the parent's job. That sounds so stressful! And for the kid, all he can do is be a good boy or a bad boy. How demeaning.

Anders's sleep was not my problem. It was his. You may think, "But when my tired toddler is having a meltdown, it becomes my problem!" I think, when my toddler has a made a poor choice, I will help him get through it. It is our poor choices that teach us how to make good choices. Better to make poor choices now than later! 

Your toddler will not choose to be an overtired, melting person very often. Every six months or so he will do an experiment to confirm that yes, not getting enough sleep is a terrible choice. And every three months or so he will just forget. But that is a heckuva lot less drama than a power struggle every day at nap time and every night at bed time.

Unless of course you are a supreme and benevolent dictator like I was when I was a nanny, training children that they had no option but to be automatons, and do what they were told. But even then, Anders is still easier to put to bed.

At 4 1/2 Anders still experiments. For example, right now Anders has camp in the morning and to be on time he needs to be awake by 7am. To wake up by 7am he needs to be in bed by 7:30pm. In the evenings, I let him know what time it is. He gets ready for bed, and then we read. He usually gets very involved in the story, and then I say, "It's 7:30!" and he rolls over and goes to sleep. Literally, it's that easy 90% of the time. He knows that 7:30 is the ideal time to go to sleep because one night he went to bed late--8:30. We were having too much fun, and we (mainly he) decided to do an experiment and see what happened. Well, he woke up at 8am the next morning and was 45 minutes late to his camp. He asked me why I didn't wake him up, and I told him that rest for his body is more important than being on time for camp, and that I would feel very uncomfortable waking him. He understood and was late for camp. He did not like being late.

When I picked him up, he asked if I would wake him up at 7am if he ever overslept again and made it quite clear that he never wanted to be late again. I said, "I know you want to be on time to camp, and I want to support you in that goal, but preventing your growing body from getting the rest it needs is not how I want to support you. I would rather we just go to bed by 7:30." We talked about this for a while, and in the end I did agree to wake him if he ever slept past 7, but he agreed to try really hard to be asleep by 7:30. It has been 6 weeks of camp now, and he has always been asleep on time.

Even if I am not there to put him to bed. He goes to bed at 7:30 because that is HIS goal. For example, one night I was exhausted and went to bed at 6:30pm. I showed Anders the clock and told him that when it said 7:30, he should turn out his light and go to sleep. I got in bed, and Tom called. We talked for a while, and then I saw Anders's light go out in the other room. I looked at the time. It was 7:03. When I went to check on him ten minutes later, he was fast asleep.

I do think any kid can do this. Anders has been putting himself to bed for years. Even when he was just a year old, I trusted that he was capable of this task. Actually, even when he was an infant it was his job. I never rocked him to sleep or carried him or swaddled him. I stayed with him while he was sad, curled up next to him or with my hand on his chest so he knew he was not alone. But carrying or rocking or swaddling--these are all distractions. To feel my emotions and feel okay feeling my emotions, the support I need when I am crying is not words or movement, but just the presence of someone who cares. Note that this way of being with infants is taught in RIE parenting books like Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect.

But back to how Anders learned to go to bed at 7:30pm. As much as it kind of sucked to rearrange my morning that one time, I am so happy that Anders got a chance to make a solid connection between what time you go to bed, what time you wake up, and "being on time." Better to learn this lesson at four by being late for summer camp than learn this lesson later by being late to something much more consequential.

Solution 3: Reality

Besides freedom and information, there are other reasons why Anders may have a positive relationship with sleep. He has been raised in reality--there are no monsters, no witches, no villains with magical powers, no dragons. He has never had nightmares except for one in which someone took his cookie.

The kids I cared for had nightmares often, almost every night, usually about fantasy creatures they had seen in movies. They were scared of under their beds and their closets. They were scared of shadows and the dark. Raising Anders in reality has made him not scared of fantasy at all. Older boys will sometimes try to be mean, and say things like, "If you do that, Santa Claus won't give you any presents!" He laughs and tells them, "You know Santa Claus is not real, right?" 

Solution 4: Secure Attachment

I am not a supporter of "attachment parenting," but I am a big supporter of healthy attachment.

I am pretty sure Anders feels very secure in our relationship, but he does like to hear that I will be there when he wakes up, that I will not leave him. It almost offends me that he likes to hear these things! But he does, so I tell him. 

I have another blog post about sleep here--

http://roslynross.blogspot.com/2015/05/a-reader-asks-should-i-put-my-foot-down.html

How Often Did You Touch Your Son's Body / Invade His Sovereignty Without His Permission?

A reader emailed me this question, here is my answer, done in a hurry, but still possibly useful to those of you with young children!

I rarely had to move or touch my son's body without his permission. I would always request first that he be in control of his body. "That's my necklace, and I need you to give it back. Can you put it in my hand?" usually worked. If not, "That's mine, so if you can't put it in my hand, I am going to help you... Oh I see, you can do on your own!" My son always chose to do it on his own rather than be "helped." (And when I say always here I mean it--every single time he chose to give me back whatever object it was.) It should also be noted that he was proud of himself when he was able to do this, like it was hard to let it go but he DID IT and would say, "See! I did it!"

Another example would be, "I need you to get out of the street. I realize there are no cars right now, you know it, and I know it, but it's just stressing me out. Can you come back onto the sidewalk? ... Thank you." Again, he always complied, if not the first time, then the second or third time I asked. I would just keep asking in different ways, assuming that he wanted to meet my needs but didn't understand what I needed or why. So maybe if he didn't get out of the street the first time I would say, "Anders, the stress in my body is so intense. My heart is beating so fast, and I am just freaking out, like I want to cry. I really need you to help me by getting out of the street." (Note he was in the gutter, and not technically the street during these conversations, but he learned at about 11 months old that he needed to stay on the sidewalk--and he always did. I always made him in charge of moving his body onto the sidewalk, not me.)

For asking him not to play with something or even not allowing it, I would get between my son and say, the printer. And I would just repeat, "I'm not going to let you touch this... yes, you want to touch it and learn about it, but I won't let you... when you are 4, I will show you how it works, but not right now...." I would not let his hands touch the printer, but otherwise I would not touch his body, I would just keep moving his hands away and then let him be in control of his hands again. He would start crying and then I would just be with him while he experienced his disappointment. He would cry and I would say, "You feel disappointed. Can I hold you while you are sad?" At the younger ages offering something else was generally helpful as well, "I won't let you touch the printer, but you may type on my computer for a little bit if you're gentle."

There were times of course when I was upset or needed something to happen quickly and at those times I got-er-done, and if that meant moving Anders's body without checking first I did. This got harder as he got older--he would get very offended and then I would have to apologize. Sometimes he would bring it up at night or the next day. "I didn't like it when you did that!" he would tell me. And I would model how one owns up to her poor behavior and how to apologize and make amends. This didn't happen often, but it did happen, I don't want to pretend like it didn't!